|Reviews for Pages Of Nightmare|
| Small Wings Flying 9/16/12 . chapter 2
[them; A lowly goblin] - shouldn't be capital there. The capital, if not for a proper noun, should only come after fullstops, question marks and exclamation marks. Semicolons, colons, commas, ellipses and the variant forms of dashes are all within sentences as opposed to ending them. The dash and ellipses are a little unusual in that they can be used at the end of paragraphs in particular circumstances, however they do not effective "end" sentences. You don't always do it, but I've seen it quite frequently last chapter and this so I wasn't sure if the explanation is redundant or not. It persists though, so I won't point it out again.
[Even as the cold water hit him, and forced the obsidian dragonman into a vague sort of conciousness] - that first comma causes too much of a fragmentation.
I must say this is a very unusual scene to start with, but it’s a good one and I like it; normally, we see the banishment of drunkenness as a followup after things happen to the drunken state, and typically that a followup of whatever prompted the drinking in the first place. It’s attractive in the sense that it’s unusual, inviting readers to read on and see exactly /why/ it’s so unusual.
["You never learn; Do you?"] - that would be more commonly written as "You never learn, do you?" and to be honest, I see no reason whatsoever to differ from the conventional. While it's true you can use a semicolon in usual circumstances, keep in mind this is someone speaking and the semi-colon I think provides a tad too long a break between the two phrases/phrase fragments. As it is, I find myself not being particularly endeared to that entire paragraph; it's a little dense firstly, and also the way you've phrased things is a little...well, awkward. Your speaker tag reads as a direct continuation, implying a lower-case, but even then it's a little too long-winded to work as an effective speaker tag in that instance. The capital suggests it to be separate which is fine with the lenght, but as I said the sentence reads as a continuation as opposed to discretely. Thirdly is the fact you appear, at first glance, to be randomly throwing a character in. Little things you may want to watch out for.
There aer also a few other instances where you are using commas more than they are necessary, and that's a tad disruptive to the flow.
The other thing that stands out in this chapter is your dialogue varying between formal and informal again. "if I may be so bold" is commonly considered rather formal, so it's odd to find it in the middle of what sounded like a casual banter of sorts. Again, consistency.
[Good, bad. Just something new] - I think either use just commas for that or just fullstop. Both seems a little odd - disproportionates the statement in a sense.
I think I'll leave you with that, elsewise I'll just repeat myself and simply be a pain.
Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| Small Wings Flying 9/16/12 . chapter 1
This is a personal thing but I’d recommend against bolding an aspect of your actual chapter, particularly as you bold your authors notes and titles. It disconnects it a little too drastically; I think italics would be more appropriate, and it’s more appealing to the eyes as well. Bolding makes it appear you’re, to an extent, forcing that bit on us readers over the rest of your chapter. You should leave it up to us to decide where to pay more attention to. As a semi-intro, I think italics is more appealing.
[Two dragonman brothers, One with a grudge on the past, and another who is fearful of the future] – why the capital “two” and “one”? Also, since you’re expanding and essentially defining the dragonman brothers, I think you should replace that comma after “two dragonman brothers” with a colon.
I love the description you have in this; it’s well written and executed, painting a nice image to set up the scene. And the fact that you had that intro piece allows the setting to simmer a little, so you have your hook and then the gentle wave so to speak.
[Inside the church was not so different than the outside. – that’s a bit of an odd statement, especially since I wouldn’t exactly consider a church and a citadel synonymous as you seem to imply.
Stained glass windows huh. Nice attention to detail there.
[He let out a sigh of irritation before getting to his feet; a movement which caused his regal armour to lightly protest it] – I don’t think that’s a place for a semicolon, more so for a regular comma.
Speaking of, that particular paragraph reads a little oddly to me. It seems the name was just thrown in without any particular leadup, even though you showed the figure entering the scene beforehand. Perhap, since you brought him so far without naming him, it would be more appropiate to let his name be found out, ie. through dialogue or something, than simply telling is readers. It somewhat spoils the sense of mystery you had going there.
[right arm arched forth] - I think that sounds a little too graceful and gentle for a strike. It doesn't really give off the image of violence, even the sort that can be described as a "dance".
[No matter how much pride you hold; You have no choice.] - why a capital?
[obliderating ] - do you mean obliterating?
[You're only making yourself fall victim to the stereotype by becoming angry] - this part comes out informal in comparison to [Tell yourself that, for you seem to have forgotten] - perhaps, for the means of discussing diplomacy, still to the slightly more formal voice. I think it's more effective. That means avoiding more colloquial phrases like "becoming" and "can", eg. using "angering" instead of "becoming angry".
[artifacts... Whatever catches my eye] - "artifacts...whatever catches my eye.
[What is so important about this book you would have me kill for?" Shadorsis asked.] -that speaker tag is unnecessary.
Interesting ending. Conclusive, and yet inviting further reading as we expect the idea to be further explored in succeeding chapters.
I'll try not to be so long again. :) Normally not warrented.
Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| The Folk Extraction 11/29/11 . chapter 1
i didn't think there was too much of an info dump in this chapter at all, on the contrary I think it's important to paint a fairly detailed picture of what's going on at the start of a story, since it helps to put the scene into perspective. I love the imagery you present at the beginning, it's all very vivid and interesting. Yes, I think you have something good started here. Shadorsis already stands out as an interesting character, which is awesome to accomplish in the first chapter. Really great work on this.
| RedWheeler 6/24/08 . chapter 6
Well, I finished school today and Shawn is working nights so I figured I would get some readomg done. As of now, I don't know if I can get to Revolver tonight. But maybe I can, I guess we never know. Er... well you will if you get more than one email from me I guess.
Moving on, it only took a minute for me to realize where the last chapter had left off. So all is good, since I am rather forgetful as of late. Looks like things are picking up for the plotline, and the whole confrontation at the end I thought was the best part of the chapter. I especially liked how everyone's opinions clashed together instead of heading for one single thought, if you know what I mean.
I can tell that you're working on those punctual grammar errors though, I really only saw a single your/you're confusion. And it was... "... shut you're fucking mouth!" Which will be starred out most likely due to content. That's the kind of things I do, in an attempt to make them correct, I do the opposite. XP
Other than that... I saw like one time where the was repeated twice in a row. Oh and the phrase: "Looks a good sword," sounds a little weird to me personally. I think it sounds like it's missing a word, but I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not since it was dialogue.
Anyway, great addition to the story. Hope to see more soon!
| Andrew Wilton 6/5/08 . chapter 1
Another masterpiece. MAKE MORE CHAPTERS!
| RedWheeler 1/18/08 . chapter 5
Out of all your works, I believe, for me, this is the hardest to follow. I think it's mainly the detail though, it can be sometimes overwhelming, but helpful at the same time for me to grasp the concept. I'm a fish out of water in this genre, basically. But I'll try my best to stick with it, just pardon my absentness.
Anywho, I saw a few technical errors. Letters were sometimes missing, one sentence in particular caught my attention: "... and he was ready to die to make ure his son wet free." Everything else was peachy. Just a few minor errors like the one above.
Shadorsis still kind of creeps me out. Just his initial thoughts of how he could kill Croth really stuck out. It sort of reflects on his intellect though, knowing that rather popular thought that genius and insanity are fairly close. So, if Shadorsis is so brilliant, he may be a tad bit gone.
On a random note, Rahniliss seems like a cool character. I am rather fond of him. XD Don't know why though.
But yes, I'm rather pleased with your decision to write the chapter on these events rather than the goblin troops. It was probably better for the flow of the story, so it isn't so jumpy.
| RedWheeler 9/21/07 . chapter 4
Huh. Well... I can't say the elves didn't deserve some punishment, they were being quite racist towards Shadorsis. But there was a point when he was slicing them up - specifically the carving of the letters - that made me think that he was taking a bit too far. Hatred can do that though.
I didn't really see any mistakes - nothing really stuck out to me. Except in the third paragraph, you wrote 'plood' instead of 'blood' by accident. Other than that, I can't recall anything.
Well, hope to see another chapter soon! Great job!
| RedWheeler 9/20/07 . chapter 3
Oh... cliffhanger! This pretty much took me an hour to read, there was a whole lot of detail into everything - which is really necessary for this particular genre of story.
I only really saw a few mistakes, a "your/you're" confusion once near the beginning. Other then that... I can't remember the error, so it wasn't important I suppose. But your vocab is impressive, far out ranks mine... I always tend to use the same words with the off chance it starts to piss me off. So, glad to see I'm not reading the same few adjectives and adverbs every other paragraph.
Rahniliss seemed like a pretty sweet character. I have a fondness of him; and Dragaurza was cool too. Although I think I like his brother better. Heh. Interesting names throughout the story - I'd like to know how you come up with them.
Anyway, keep up the great work.
| Amei666 4/9/07 . chapter 2
No, this chapter wasn't slow or pointless, really. As for grammar, I can't help you on that at all, not that grammar actually matters when there're great plots, but whatever floats your boat... So, I don't know what else to say really except what I've said before so... yeah...
| Amei666 4/9/07 . chapter 1
Hey, sorry for not reviewing sooner. Easter weekend's busy... Anywya, this has improved since last time (not that it wasn't good before) and I'm glad you've restarted it. Although you went into detail at the beginning, I think it fit in well. Well, I'm not good at ending reviews so...
| RedWheeler 4/5/07 . chapter 2
Well, I'll get the minor mistakes I found out of the way first. The first thing I saw was a "your" and "you're" confusion. The line was "Your just lucky-" when it should really be "your" as in "you are just lucky". The second is so minor, I don't know if you would count it or not. But you ended a bracket with a period when that is un-necessary I believe: (The only reason he had kept his athletic build.), I'm almost positive you don't need ending punctuation. And lastly you forgot ending quotation marks when Seri was speaking once: "... I probably wouldn't have needed you to lose control on them." But that's all I found.
Anywho, I'm running out of time on the computer, so I'll make this as brief as possible. I think Drazura BlackGate is an amusing character, my favourite so far. You can tell by how this is written that all the characters were crafted carefully to make the unique. The detail, again, is amazing. And I can't wait to see more from you.
| RedWheeler 4/3/07 . chapter 1
Your efforts with this story, I realized, are very evident when I was reading this. You can see the time and thought spent with every detail: what was spoken, the characters, the scenery. I don't think I ever read the original, but I think there were probably expansions containing details that helped portray the overall appeal of the prologue - I'm saying it was well written in case I messed it up somehow. Heh.
The only minor problem I found was at the very beginning when it lists characters vaguely and states something about them, to break the confusion you probably should've used semi-colons to express that you're talking about another individual now.
But other than that, extremely well written. Great job!
| KaizenYokoshima 4/1/07 . chapter 1
You and me both, that review that you're talking about, harsh but true, just what we needed, eh?
Monsters that deny the laws of physics and such and make our incredibly limited perception of normality obsolete and taboo? I like. Looking forward to the rest.
Dude, gotta watch the grammer conflicts (Remember what I told you before about you're/your) Other than that, your setting description which was so blatantly indignified by reviews last time works well enough as not to distract, fits the situation right and then some.
Was wondering when I'd get the chance to read this again, just hope that your breaks between updates don't rival mine!
| Reject Code 4/1/07 . chapter 1
OOh very good bro. This Shadorsis fellow has a short temper. What a kwijibo XD wait...he's not a big,dumb,balding,north american ape...with no chin...and a short temper. XD So yeah..I still say you should just finish Tainted before you continue with this one...but anyhoo, great job and I'll talk to you in a couple of seconds...wait, right now. Later.