Reviews for Rune's Children - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Rune's Children - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Reine Ayten 2008-07-28 ch 1,	abuseThe transitions weren't labeled clearly enough for me... I mean, yeah they were there, but maybe you should have left a bit more space inbetween them and the rest of the story, or made them bold... anyways, good plotline otherwise!
Prince91 2007-11-28 ch 9,	abuseGood job son this just might be my favortie chapter. I'm so excited to wirte and new chapter of Syracho Sword and premiere Whistler. Thanks! Now to the mistakes, not much but some were stupid. I'll call you and tell you them.
freeworld 2007-11-01 ch 8,	abuse"He toke a step" toke! :P "I toke note" "bring you well with range" within range and...whoa! huh? Hattori ninjas!? lol. "he observe the whirlpool" observed "and was looked back" looking? "over the young mans face" man's "He gapped in amazement" umm..gasped...or gaped? lol. i think either would work. i understand why it took you a month to do. i think that was actually one of your best written chapters. a little action, that was pretty clearly described, but also good general scene description as well. :) how goes the research as well? hope your next chapter is up and running soon. keep it up!
fanficfreak35 2007-09-29 ch 6,	abuseso i skimmed throughc the last couple chapters and they seem better the first. the dialogue got better and there was less cussing good. The problem that i still see is the lack of informatio on the world. Is it still eart? what tiem period is it any background informatio? Whos incharge or the sides what kind of technology is available, stuff like that. good luck.
fanficfreak35 2007-09-29 ch 3,	abuseYou emailed me to get a review here it is. Please read last paragraph if nothing else. Like i told your friend your courage and ability to write a story and the oublish it is something to be admired. I'll start with the prologue, it wasn't capturing enough. I assume you were trying to give enough information to draw people in but not enough to give away the polt/story.Well you need more, more detail more excitment something thats going to be like "What the " but in a good way. I red alot and i find that most authors start their prologues with chapters and excepts from further along in the book. They might use mild battle scenes or something similar. Though the suggestion is probably to mcuh as it would require a whole new rewrite so instead add more detail and make it clearer other then that it's decent enough. Chapter one, confusing i'm going to say the mystery and the sudden dive into the sstory is what you wanted, detail, so yes he s traveling whats the landscape is is dense forest with schrubbery or a hilly valley of tall grass? Whats he do, what does he look like,why was he in the town to begin with will it be covered later, even if its not important give a brief amount of detail but detail none the less. Your dialogue you have to make the author believe each character is different what they say goes a long way into making up their personality. A kings not going to talk like a 13 year old whos practicing being a king. A warrior while he might say some vulgar doesn't use a curse word in every sentence a true warrior is one trained in discipline. many fanfiction authors have tried for a badass dont give a talk like a wigger and have ruined a brillant story. By all means have him cuss but use in moderation and when the situation requires it. Your not yet good enough at writing (and i dont mean to sliht you at all) to leave out details surrounding the enviroment and the background for to long with out totally losing your reader. Obviously theirs a plot and its looks like it could be interesting but you need to grap that interest and it was minimal. One of the reasons i dont write is my inability to put the interest i feel in the story onto the paper and its something that you yourself need to find. If you feel strongly about your story and you relay that to your reader their going to enoy your story so much more. So detail,dialogue and comprhension are what need to be improved. So i said alot of some of it doesnt make sense some of it does i hope you can find what does. IMPORTANT Your a good author who just needs practice, this site should help you Theres a website/forum that i want you to go to and ask for the people to review your story and critique it. they are far more experienced and better at it then i am, plus their writes so they ahve more experience. the website is Its a harry potter fansite but as long as you mention that your whle your story isnt harry potter related you heard that they were a reliable source to come to in regards to reviewing stories you should be alright(flatter them a little) one of them is bound to read your story.
SirScott 2007-08-14 ch 9,	abuseI liked how Carillo dealt with the ninja, it reminded me of Sherlock Holmes. The ugly toke monkey made a couple of appearances in this chapter. Other than that it was very well written. ~SirScott
freeworld 2007-08-07 ch 7,	abuse"Can’t see to well?" too the passage about how Valeria killed the first soldier...well...it's a little, inconsistent. first she stabs him, then you say the incision. but an incision is a cut, not a stab. that and blood doesn't spray from a stab, at least not while the sword is still in them, the reason typically being suction. oh they'll bleed, but most likely, even in the case of hitting a really good artery, sprays don't usually happen because the wound is corked by whatever made the wound to begin with. "as his toke" he took "and pounced his sword came down at her quickly and heavily" run on sentence "at her hr speared aimed" also a run on, but also i think you meant to put his spear. "to promote us”" you need a period before the quotes. "against the wall stretched a bit" and stretched i'm not entirely against some forms of humor by any means. but, the Shiro section just didn't do it for me. it was a little childish to begin with, at least the arguing between the two guards who i would assume are two grown men. don't get me wrong, i know plenty of grown men who argue fairly dumbly...but, not even to that degree, which just felt off. and the bit about them being afraid and him acting heroic (which seemed pretty out of place anyways for him to be doing) was like something i'd expect out of...well...i'm not sure. something funimation, like Naruto or whatever. "and feel the warm liquid" felt "a brightly light and large hallway, many lanterns were hung up to ceiling" first, it should probably be lit. then, instead of a comma, it should probably be a period. and third, needs to have a "the" before ceiling. "showed of the luster" off "out into decorated corridor" the decorated "to far right" the far right "as the moved" they moved i think the only large piece of advice i can give you, is that you need to go over any instance you can think of that you mean "took", because you keep writing "toke", like taking a drag or something lol.
SirScott 2007-08-05 ch 8,	abuseWell, over all your writing and story has improved greatly. I like the relationship between Shiro and Valeria. Nice way top end this chapter with a cliffhanger, you seem to have a way of doing that. Keep up the good work. ~SirScott
SirScott 2007-08-05 ch 6,	abuseI liked how you added the details of them watching the stars, it made your characters feel more human. I noticed one mistake that you keep making. You keep misspelling the word took the same way, toke. Well, keep up the good work. ~SirScott
SirScott 2007-08-05 ch 5,	abuseYour battle descriptions were wonderfully done and the cliffhanger was timed well. The large man rose up to about 5’11” I wanted to make a comment on this sentence. I know that some writers use exact measurements when describing their characters, but I don't think its always a good idea. For one thing, I'm 6'1" and 5'11" doesn't seem that large. I would have said something like: The large man rose to his full height. Let's the reader form what height in their head that they consider to be tall. ~SirScott
SirScott 2007-07-22 ch 3,	abuseIt was kind of funny reading about the head flying through the window. “Yes sir!” Her said following after her providing back up, leaving the young man behind. That sentence confused me. Was it Carillo speaking to Valeria or the other way around? I don't think I would be able to pick out the hidden elements to a video game even you told me the name of the game. I can tell that describing action and character's appearances are your strengths in your writing. ~SirScott
freeworld 2007-07-21 ch 6,	abusethe paragraph where Carillo is fighting, seems rushed. i only says this because you use "(subject, He/Carillo) began" on something like three or four sentences. they all started that way. you also lean heavily upon using "then", which if you asked most english teachers or other writers, will say that it has its place, but should be used sparingly in light of other alternatives. otherwise you run the risk of making sentences come out sounding like "and then he began to run up the stairs, and then he came out at the top, then he...etc." "was know for it" known "little hat was left" heat "toke care" took "looked at the it" lol, what? during the seven minutes later paragraph. you use he quite a bit. i understand there's really little other way to designate the main subject, other than Carillo, and descriptive ways for 'the man' but it just seems over used. probably the easiest remedy for this, is to combine simple sentences into longer more complex ones and eliminating the subject repetition. "ironically clear and sunny sky" why is it ironic? and for that matter, i thought the battle was at night. how is it already what seems like noon? "the days events" day's "analytically her hair" pause or a break after analytically "with so troops" no, right? "what victories all about" victory is, or victories are "his nature arm" nature arm? "Sure looked at" lol, think you meant Shiro “…” those are used for dialogue. you describe the silence, you don't quote an elipses to get the point across. "Shiro, when you go through that arched entranceway and head left" um, with the 'when' there, it sounds like she's going to instruct him further, which she doesn't do. though, you say they both go through the same archway, but part ways. in that sentence, she says they're both going left. "He could be on anyone" lol, anyone only works for describing people, so unless "he" is having lots of sex, then it should be any one. aside from that, it was actually a pretty good chapter. the dialogue was good. i think your scene changes would serve better as actual descriptive sentences rather than how you have it set up now. it's clear how you put it, but it also seems more comic book.
freeworld 2007-07-14 ch 5,	abuse"lowered his self" himself "stopped himself an inch above the ground before struggling to push himself up again" the thing about this sentence is that you use 'himself' needlessly. it's understood that he's doing the workout, and so saying he pushed himself after stopping himself isn't just a little redundant, but superfluous. when you wrote about Valeria coming onto the scene, i think you may have used her too much. i understand that it's one of those words that are incredibly hard to substitute for others in order to avoid repetition sometimes. but the thing is (and i'm not an expert on it) when you're doing character descriptions. you don't need to keep readressing the subject when it's only on one character. "Carrillo replied" period "but thing something’s" think "toke this town" took "The suns rays" possessive "calming sent of" scent "partner on the across the gate" so is he on, or across? lol "flag their waving" their is possessive, they're is indicative of action. "when say go" I? "Lives were lost by minute" umm...i know what you're getting at, just need the sentence to say it more clearly. "he toke out a row" took "remembering when he was" where "held his shoulder" not incorrect, i just wanted to suggest changing it to "wound" maybe, since it's already been established that he was shot in the shoulder in the prior sentence. i should say, sometimes Shiro annoys me. just his bravado, and his mannerisms in general at times seem rather childlike. i'm glad, even though it seemed a little awkward in some ways, that you introduced that side of him about killing. all in all i liked the chapter, especially the end. i always like the idea of ending a chapter on a cliff hanger, it's the best way to keep people interested i think. one thing about the battle though. why was everyone surprised that they knew the army was coming? they obviously hadn't been trying to hide themselves what with marching on the castle, with lights, and flying their banner. anyways, good chapter, keep it up :)
freeworld 2007-07-08 ch 4,	abuse"left palm, he pondered" period rather than comma "How did it happen." question mark you use "eyes" quite a bit in the beginning. it's good that you tried to mix it up a bit by saying her orbs rather than eyes, but i think it's still overused a bit. "that your as valuable" you're not your "equality…So" you don't capitalize the word following an elipses. "You reasons" your "to capture the sky. Shiro sat by" this is an instance where it could've and probably should've been a comma rather than a period. "toke out his" took so other than that, the thing you might want to keep an eye out for, is actually punctuating the ends of sentences. there were a few times, usually after dialogue i think, where the sentence ends, but you didn't put a period.
Prince91 2007-07-03 ch 8,	abusepretty good spel took correctly every time u write it itz spelled toke. And should Carillo and Valeria look up at the sky they might get shanked ~inside joke~

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