FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| CitizenOfZozo 2007-04-03 ch 1,   | My first impression is that your writing is way too passive. Your sentence structure is also very monotonous, which makes it difficult to read. Vary your sentence structure and how you describe your characters in the beginning. We don't need to know exactly how your characters' clothes are strange, you could just describe them as strange, or peculiar, or unusual, or strappy, if you so prefer. Also, telling us what colour their tails are tells us nothing. Why do these people have tails? Don't treat it as common as hair colour; put some emphasis into the fact that these people have tails. I'm seeing a lot of missing punctuation here. Remember, quotations always end with either a comma or a period. Also, there are a few non-quoted sentences which have no period. Avoid writing in all caps. It's difficult to read and there are more effective ways to convey yelling. The fact that you wrote, "shouted" makes that obvious. It's an interesting idea and could become an interesting story, but there are some technical aspects that need work. Good luck with the rest of the story. |