Reviews for The Phantom Lord - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: The Phantom Lord - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

The Syn of Man 2007-09-27 ch 7,	Ohh, I like the way things are turning out now. Mordekhai dead? That sounds intriging. and i spelt it wrong. lol
The Syn of Man 2007-07-18 ch 5,	hm, i found myself without anything to really say here, except for job well done. i wish i could ciritisize this, to give you something to improve on, but there really isnt anything. good job! ^_^
ohthevoices 2007-07-08 ch 5,	This chapter was a lot better. I'm glad you listened to the other reviewers, if that's what you did. And if not, that's cool too. Either way, keep it up. I particularly liked the descriptions of the magic at work, almost as if it were an intelligent being rather than something people throw around, as is common in fantasy. I hope you update soon! I'm adding this story to my alerts.
ohthevoices 2007-07-08 ch 4,	"The Cry of War was still belted about his waist—he felt odd, sort of vulnerable, when he was without it. He supposed that it was because he was so astoundingly powerful with the sword, and that he’d gotten used to such power."
ohthevoices 2007-07-08 ch 3,	This story seems to be a little lacking in character development, to me. So far, I see no real reason to cheer these characters on. Who is Mordekhai? I know what he is, but we don't really know anything about him as a person. Why should we support him? What is he - and his men, come to think of it - fighting for? So far, it feels like he's just there in the middle of all of the wonderfully described battle, and if he dies, I won't really care too much. However, in your defense, it did get better at the end in that bit with Ixis and Orion. I feel like I wouldn't want to turn my back on them.
BlueCrystal 2007-07-08 ch 1,	The description in this chapter is very good. It makes me sad...though I don't really know what they're fighting for, unless it's just what you mentioned in the summary...
Aislingeach 2007-07-07 ch 5,	Good story so far. Update soon!
ohthevoices 2007-07-07 ch 2,	Don't sugarcoat anything, do you? I loved how vivid everything was. Keep it up!
ohthevoices 2007-07-07 ch 1,	I thought the battle scene was wonderfully written. I can't wait to read more and see what comes.
The Syn of Man 2007-05-09 ch 4,	Yeah, a nice chapter, though I found the fighting to be a little lacking, but not in skill, but in the amount of it that was present. Also, you could go into detail about what these "feelers" are, such as how Mordekhai was able to create one, without us knowing anything about it. Another thing, why was the Order of Valor able to use magic to transport themselves, while Mordekhai couldn't do or have the same thing done for his soldiers? Don't tell me that it was because they couldn't find the place because of the many maps they used or because the Orthan troops held it, they could have used the magic to teleport and make a surprise attack.
OMG H4X 2007-05-09 ch 4,	Holy Jesus. What is that? What the fuck is that? What is that Private Pyle!?
The Syn of Man 2007-04-15 ch 3,	Oh, a very good job indeed. I see you have fixed the few mistakes that I had found before, very good work. You have taken my advice, and the advice of others quite well. As of right now, I can see nothing else that needs to be worked on. However, I just found it a little weird the way you named the three sons of the king. Two odd, foreign sounding ones, and then one more up to date sounding one. However, that's just a little quirk of mine.
OMG H4X 2007-04-04 ch 2,	rveiw spam wtf rated T?
The Syn of Man 2007-04-03 ch 2,	Yeah, I have to agree with the other commentors. How does he get such a higher rank so quickly? You are moving to quickly; while you detail the fighting very well, you leave other things to be desired. What the soldiers of Hadd look like, what power Mordekhai has to use, and why do the soldier's advance so quickly? It is more common for the attacking forces to wait and build up their numbers and teach them to fight in their enemies condtions better than the 2 days I believe it took them. However, you do a good job on the battle; you describe it very nicely, though it is lacking in length.
Charles 2007-04-03 ch 2,	A few things: - Be a bit more careful in describing certain things. A good way to tell if your description is proper is to act it out. Having the commander lovingly stroke the sword pommel and then wrapping a cape around his neck -- when performed literally -- comes across comical. I pictured an exaggerated stroking while choking himself with his cape. - Promoting a Lieutenant to the king's military commander is a stretch. Unless you show the political ramifications this will have -- as well as the potential for ripping apart the king's armies from jealousy -- you may want to elevate the Lieutenant's initial rank. I imagine the king has a great many knights who outranked this Lieutenant. None would be pleased to be passed over like this, simply because the guy happened to be standing near the old commander when he was killed. - Is Chapter 1 is meant to be a detailed outline of what Chapter 1 will eventually look like? If you intend this to actually be Chapter 1, then I must say, you are moving events too quickly. In one page you have the Lieutenant picking up the sword, defeating the invaders, being promoted, rearming the army, marching into enemy territory, defeating the enemy's mountain garrison, going through the mountain pass and then a 3rd battle begins in a desert. The events on this one page alone are enough, if properly flushed out, to make up the whole opening section of the novel. Overall, though, it is interesting. The sword and the superhuman powers it bestows upon its wielder spark my interest immediately. Just slow down and show us what happens instead of telling us.

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