Your grammar is WAY off. There are no paragraphs toward the middle of the story, and what few ACTUAL, four line paragraphs there are have no flow to them whatsoever. The story tries too hard to be funny and just ends up embarrassing itself, using generic humor that's been used a thousand times before and isn't really all that funny.

The characters in the story aren't realistic at all. It's like they have no emotion to them, no matter how many (censored) swearwords you put in their sentences, no matter how many ! you make them use, no matter how many '-chan's or '-kun's you put at the end of their (English sounding) names. They appear to be only your little toys that you can dress up. That was probably the most descriptive moment of the story, too...the clothes.

The 'getting dressed' part sounded like it was written by a ten year old. This isn't meant to insult you, the author, but to say that you are much too concerned WITH HOW THE CHARACTERS LOOK.

Why are you even going to make 'profiles' for them? I don't care how they look. I don't care what you want us to THINK about their personalities, which are nonexistant so far. I want to see people, who have likes and dislikes, who won't go OOC on me at every turn (you make your characters act how you WANT them to act, not how the WOULD act), who don't have to dress up in trendy clothes in order to be distinctive as the main characters in the story.

I would like to see some real effort on your part.

This story won't stand out unless you completely re-write it (and re-categorized--this belongs in Manga). I'm not asking you to, but just remember to break out of your comfort zones when you write things in the future.

1/10

Waylen and I: HOW DARE YOU CONTROL ME!! -gives each other strange looks amd backs away- O.o

Me: MUAHAHAHA I WIL SUCCEED AT WORLD DOMINATION!

Waylen: Why is the devil blonde? O.o

Me: -.- ' -grabs the collar of Waylen's shirt and shakes him- WORLD. DOMINATION!

Waylen: -tackles me to the ground- YOU SHALL NEVER CONTROL MEE!! (though world domination does sound tempting...)

Me: -gets Waylen in headlock- WORLD DOMINATION!!

Waylen: -tackles me to ground- YOU SHAL NEEVVERR CONTROL MEE! -sits on me-

Me: -.- '

LMFAO! That was so great! YAY!! I sharpie checkers on my shoes all the time! XD Hey, I have a studded belt and bracelets I wear alot. XD I also wear alot of black... Shush you and don't you dare say i am emo. -narrows eyes- MUAHAHA BATMAN SONG ROCKS!! I AM SUPERMAN!

Waylen: I liked that kiss just as much as you Hersheys. T.T BUT WOOT WOOT CONVERSES! WHY DON'T I GET WINGS? T.T

Me: HAHA SUCKER I GET WINGS, YOU DON'T!

Waylen: -glares at me and attacks me-

Me: NO!! -attacks him too-

-five minutes later-

Me: -straddles Waylen's waist while choking him-

Waylen: T.T

YAY! I LOVE THIS STORY! UPDATE SOON!