Reviews for Bladedancer's Shadow

Reviews For: Bladedancer's Shadow

Disturbly 2007-08-28 ch 1,	Hello, then. I'm Disturbly. Let me start off by saying: I love your pen name. It is, in the vernacular, the "pwn". Anyway, I saw you on the favorite authors list of someone whose opinions I trust (won't drop names) and figured I should check this out. I wasn't disappointed; in a genre with a lot of ways to go wrong, you didn't. Not that you'll be able to tell, though; as I always do when I like a story, I'm going to pick this apart. Prepare yourself. First of all, I have to note: there was nothing in the text to infer the gender of your protagonist. Maybe there was something in the summary, but if someone, say, copied the first chapter of this to peruse at their leisure and neglected to memorize the synopsis (note: cough cough), there were no clues to know whether one should be picturing a hot cat-girl, or a cat-guy. This really threw me off as I read; if I wouldn't suggest you ammend that, I'd request it, as something of a personal favor. Not that I mean to impose. Moving on. "It began as I fell. It was like one of those falling dreams, where everything becomes so vivid as you plummet toward the earth." Good opener; you establish your perspective, use a lot of good imagery, and hook the reader. "I felt strange, my whole body plagued tingles and sparks that I wasn’t sure to enjoy or fear." Two typos there, I believe; should read "my whole body plagued [with] tingles and sparks that I wasn’t sure [whether] to enjoy or fear". Also, "plauged [by]" would have worked. "all just a dream and Freudian experiment" The phrase "Freudian experiment" threw me off; I had trouble getting my head around the concept. I know the definitions of both words, but put together? What exactly is a Freudian experiment? How do you use the scientific method to apply objective stantards to testing a hypothesis about something as subjective as dream interpretation? Of course, I'm open to the possibility that you meant to type "Freudian experience", but if you'll forgive me saying so, I think this is an instance of so called "clever author syndrome"; I think that metaphor does more to show off your fancy book learnin' than to enhance the story. It gave me trouble, and I'm not exactly a Special Olympic Bronze Medalist; for the general audience of fp. com? You may want to dumb it down. Just a thought. "I dusted myself off, finding I was wearing a plain outfit of black fabric, perhaps cotton, a tunic and pants." Ok, usually I'm not a big stickler for historical accuracy, but as I said, I mean to pick this to death. Cotton clothing is, by and large, a product of industrial society; it wasn't available for widespread use until after both the Americas had been colonized and the cotton gin invented. Granted, I realize electricity seems to exist in the world you're building (more on that later), but depending on what time period you're approximating, you may want to put some consideration into the relatively complex state of both the shipping and textile industries it takes to grow cotton in subtropical climates and send the cloth around the world for use. Let me be clear; I'm not suggesting you change it to linen or any other fabric. I'm only saying to consider relatively minor details like that and the effect they create. "musing that it was easier to move in than some modern-day outfits. " Ok, here's the character's first reference to our modern, contemporary culture (other than Freud, and I've already noted my major problem with that line). Yet later, you state that she has amnesia, unable to remember her name. This is something of a continuity error; if you have some kind of lovely explanation of how her specialized amnesia lets her remember what "modern" outfits look like, and still forget the essential details of her past, I would love to hear it. Note that that isn't sarcasm in any conceivable sense of the word; I'm curious, and always up to learning new things. However, the typical reader, say, "joeficpress"... you know, forget that, this cursed website seems to be dominated by female slash fans... lets call the typical reader "shojo-hime" instead. Anyway, when "shojo-hime" reads that, she'll simply see it as an error... Well, actually, it will likely never occur to her, as she'll be too busy posting an insipid review about how "totaly awesum !1!" this was in a vacuous bid for an ego gratifying review in return; she'll never notice it. But why am I venting in my review for your story, anyway? I digress; instead, I am going to point this out every time I see it. Continuing. "I felt it with my hands, feeling the strap that held to my chest, making my breasts a little more prominent. " Ok, what I said about the gender thing earlier? Disavow that. If I had any shred of responsibility, I would simply delete that comment. Of course, by the same token, I also would never have tried to combine soccer and bowling to make the ultimate sport if I were responsible, either. I still feel bad for the poor guy we made play goalie... Oh, Kevin, you poor, crippled bastard... Moving on. "It wasn’t until something bumped my back that I jumped and turned, ready to slice it in half... Tail!" Everything between those two phrases was freaking magic; I read that passage with a huge grin on my face. I dearly wish I could let it go at that, but I did swear on the name of Bruce Campbell to point out every instance of this (I did; scroll back up and look, and you'll see it), so: "It was black and furry, reminding me an awful lot of my cat’s tail." So she remembers that she has a cat? That's some king-hell amnesia... And again: "piercings that had transferred from my human form. " She also recalls that she had piercings? Thank god she presumably wasn't wearing an ID bracelet before she transformed; otherwise, you would have lost a lot of the mystery you establish in this chapter. "Amid the mists and lightning show of my mind, the local resident appeared, hopped up on a synapse, and settled back. I looked back and forth down the beach, crossing my arms." As a means of exposition, I love these internal dialogues (the ones that come after the line I quoted, I mean), though I've never felt comfortable implementing them myself. No critique there; just saying I like it. I get to do that too. Who said I wouldn't? "something was in front of me, a black, gangly shape." The first appearance of the Wraiths. Were the gangly black monsters in Lovecraft's fiction called that as well, or do I simply forget the term he used? Either way, that's not a flaw; rather, allow me to thank you for not filling this with a huge lexicon of impossible to remember names, composed of a long line of random vowels and arbitrary apostrophes. I see that so often, and I hate it. Moving on: "The beast howled, splitting my skull as I tried to recover." Had to read this twice to figure out what you were describing; your use of the comma, if it doesn't denote a sequence of events outright, implies it. On my first read, I took it to mean that the beast split her skull after it howled. Technically, it's a mistake on my part, not yours, but might I humbly suggest revising that? "The beast's howling split my skull as I tried to recover" may get your point across better. The syntax is less fancy, yes, but it may be worth it for the extra degree of clarity. "Not wanting to go anywhere near the forest again, I sheathed my sword and began to walk along the beach." Let me point out what I liked about this; your protagonist didn't simply do the "correct" thing from the start, instead making a mistake. It's a trivial detail, but those are the kind that set a well crafted story from a mediocre one. Good work there. " it was founded in what appeared to be poured concrete. " Note that I won't bring up the amnesia point again, in that she remembers what poured concrete looks like; from my layman's knowledge of the condition, it allows for the afflicted to remember their knowledge and skills, just not the details of their personal lives. Actually, as I recall that detail, it negates most of the "amnesia" comments I've made till this point. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd go back and edit those out... Of course, by the same token, if I wasn't so lazy I would have actually combined soccer and bowling in an attempt to make the ultimate sport, instead of just making humorous references to it in reviews. Poor, crippled Kevin... but that was a different incident entirely... "After that thing in the woods, I was going to take every weapon I found. " Something about that sentence strikes me as... "ungood". I can't articulate what the error is, but I'm pretty sure it's there. You may want to write "After [meeting, seeing, fighting] that thing in the woods", or "After that thing in the woods [attacked me]." "“Well why would I?”" I like the rat's dialogue. Something about that passage strikes me as reminiscent of Douglas Adams. Can't quite say why; are you familiar with him, by any chance? "I had to get wet. Not wanting to get my outfit wet, " A bit redundant. Not a big problem, as you don't seem to repeat yourself often, but you may want to replace the second "wet" with the synonym "soaked"; it would change it up, and it carries more punch anyway. "He was right." Unless I'm mistaken (very likely) this is the first time you reveal the "little demon's" gender, and the fact that it's male has interesting implications for a reader versed in psychology. Might the protagonist's animus be playing the role of the other half of her internal conversations? It is a subtle detail indeed; I wouldn't have presumed it to be intentional on your part if the Freudian reference hadn't tipped me off earlier in the chapter. But it's the little details like that seperate the wheat from the chaff. I can't emphasize it enough; wonderful form. "Flawless Victory!" "watching them as my eyes drifted in focus. " -"out of focus", you mean. "I checked the sun, nodded, and proceeded southward, to my left further down the beach." Minor problem; wherever the character has found herself, it's different enough from our own planet that the sky and sun are different colors; this denotes a different atmospheric compostition, and presumably a different planet. Yet she knows how to judge compass directions from the sun's position in the sky? Even if the planet where this is set has the same axis of rotation as Earth, and moves around the sun in the same direction, remember: your character doesn't know which hemisphere she's in! Or... would that make a difference? I need sleep... but on the off chance it is a mistake, it's not a major one; you're not going for hard sci-fi, after all. Just pointing these out. "Check you teeth, sweetheart, and tell me you’re not a carnivore." Typo; check "your" teeth. "It surprised me to find that I could remember specific knowledge, but I still knew nothing about myself, nothing more than what I had found already." Funny, that. No, as I noted, it's my understanding that it would make sense she would remember skills; otherwise all amnesiacs would be helpless infants. It's the specific stuff, like how she had a cat and piercings, that throws this off. "Casper had left." Like the scenes with Casper; you get a lot of exposition done in a sort of quirky way. Although, the encounter does remind me of the practice mode of a number of fighting games. Not saying that hurt it, though. "There was only one thing to do now, and that was walk." There's only one thing to do now, and that's bring this review to a close. What did I like? Pretty much everything where I didn't specify otherwise. Your pacing is good, your imagery is good, no huge spelling errors... yeah. More importantly, I'm intrigued by your chracter, and the story is starting to draw me in; I'll definitely be reading further. You seem to be building a good mythos, and you throw a lot of subtle little cookies in here for the attentative reader. Overall? One of the... meh, twenty best stories I've seen on this site. The best, if I limit myself to fantasy. What I dislike? The amnesia angle. I can excuse the cliche, because it's a vital component of your story, and there are no other tried and failed conventions to go along with it. But just like with your strong points, the devil is in the details. Some of the actual specifics of her "amnesia" put me off. I should also profess, the general technological level of your story is, to date, something of a mystery to me. Electricity and chemical matches exist, but humans can't simply blow the Wraiths away with shotguns (or blunderbusses?), and have to fabricate chimeras to fight their battles for them? Keep in mind, the Chinese came up with gunpowder long before Tesla came up with alternating current. I'll say it again, I don't presume you're writing hard sci-fi, but... Hell, maybe guns are floating around your universe. I will read and find out. Anything else? This isn't either a like or dislike, but I wonder: Have you considered all the ramifications of a human/panther hybrid's physiology and habits? This is only an educated guess, but I was under the impression that panthers were nocturnal; shouldn't there be some effect on your protagonist's circadian rythyms? And more importantly- is she going to go into heat? How is that more important, you ask? ...It isn't. Who said it was? I don't spend all my time on the interweb looking for Aisha wallpapers from Outlaw Star! Just what are you implying, anyway? -Disturbly. Post-script: Hey, I just went to submit this review- and there's no more story! Dude, what the hell? What happens next to cat-girl? Don't cut me off, man!
Casey Drake 2007-04-12 ch 1,	sweet!! this is cool. :) CD
Solemn Coyote 2007-04-05 ch 1,	1) Okay...so, obviously you didn't like the idea that other people had used the title 'dreamfall'. Even if it was genre-appropriate. Please, do me a favor, though. Run this title by Jen. 2)"I felt strange, my whole body plagued tingles and sparks that I wasn’t sure to enjoy or fear." The comma could probably be a colon, and there should probably be a 'with' after 'plagued'. 3)"It was all just a dream and Freudian experiment until I opened my eyes." Er, how about 'it was all a dream--a Freudian experiment--until I opened my eyes.' 4) The girl reacts a little too quickly/enthusiastically to the sword, I think. It's good to move the plot along, I mean, but it doesn't feel terribly characteristic of her. Although, I suppose it could be. I don't know too much about her character yet. 5)"I noticed that I had rings set through the bottom edge on either side, piercings that had transferred from my human form." Twilight Princess invades your writing, too. 6)"looking like a cross between a vine and Aztec scrolls." 'an Aztec scroll' 7)"There was a simplistic wreath of triangles and curves around a ten-point star and a sword glinting atop it." 'simplistic' is better for talking down at something. It's more of a 'how simple.' 8) Good character detail with the tatoos. 9) There's a distinctively Midna/Link dynamic between her and her mind. Just sayin'. 10)"The beast howled, splitting my skull as I tried to recover." The way that's phrased makes it sound a bit like her head was cleaved by the thing. 11)"I exhausted and laid my head on my hand, sighing." 'exhausted, I laid my head on my hand and sighed' 12) Nice world building with the rat. I think I'm gonna point WyrdWolf towards your story. 13)"I remembered how hungry I was myself." scratch the 'myself' 14) I like that the rat is becoming a travelling partner, 15) "Maybe that wasn’t one of the real animals." Pretty darn convenient. No one likes to think of their food as alive. 16)"It surprised me to find that I could remember specific knowledge, but I still knew nothing about myself," Good detail. I think that's how amnesia usually works. 17)"It was quite interesting and beautiful. The helm struck me the most interesting." scratch the first 'interesting' 18) Just a brief note, as far as a fighting style for your main character goes, you might want to do a little research on iaijutsu. 19) General Casper is pretty darn cool. 20) Ghost-training-battle-sequence? 21)"You are using the Kindred Bladedancer style." That is one seriously anime line. 22)“Man this place is messed up.” should be a comma after 'man' 23) I have to say, despite my better judgement, I'm enjoying reading this. Keep writing.

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