Reviews for Tsubasa Radical - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Tsubasa Radical

snowystarshine 2007-08-19 ch 1,	Wow, I haven't been on here in a long time. This is a great and intricate story like the other Tsubasa stories. Keep it up. Oh yeah, and Witch Robot Hisaki is probably going to be updated again this month! I'll be watching for the second chapter of this. ~SD
Chunice 2007-06-03 ch 1,	wow so interesting
Maranwe Telrunya 2007-05-01 ch 1,	Hey! Sorry it's been so long! I've been lazy. The first paragraph has a lot of info jammed into it, and the sentences are very, very long. It's rather confusing. The second sentence didn't really make too much sense to me... it didn't seem to have a direction in which it was going and I wasn't sure what was "revolutionized with the power to control and manipulate matter at will." the civilization, or there had been fourteen centuries of this going on? It's very confusing. And the third sentence didn't relate- the first half didn't seem to relate to the ending. "I have no family. I have no love. I have no future." Very nice, but it is a little cliche. Warrior has nothing but his queen to follow, etc... fights on in rememberance of his past. Still, the rest of the story isn't cliched, so it's okay. So, the first part has a lot of background stuffed into very little space. It was a tad bit boring and very confusing, but there were a few things that caught and held my attention. Lots of long sentences, Diamond. Too many! ;) It gets better as it goes on, though. So I don't think I'd worry about it further than that first paragraph. "I chose to keep to myself. I had no return to that, nor would I refute it." -- what? "I had no return to that" doesn't make sense. Return to what? Livan is a pretty name. "...I could see them with their entire face masked with strange headgear..." Faces. (there is more than one. Or you would say "I could see them, each with his entire face masked with strange headgear..." "We fell silent, hoping that there would still be hope." That sounds very redundant- though it does make sense. But you might want to use a different word for one of the "hope" words. "...looking every bit the dignified ruler that she was after the untimely death of her husband against the Sindtharese army..."-- that makes it sound like she hadn't been a dignified ruler (or person) before her husband died. "And knowing all those banners I was glad, for indeed we were home." You started the sentence before this with "And". Repetitive. Delete. ;) (I sound like a computer.) "...nude except for the fires that burned on her private parts." -- That just sounds very awkward. (private parts) But I don't know what else you could say that wouldn't be vulgar. Maybe "the fires that covered her modesty"? Or "the fires that flamed over her breasts and pelvic region". I dunno. Otherwise, it's a beautiful description. I love the word feral... don't know why... it's just very... powerful and fearsome. "Some said felt they have to avenge their fallen friends; ..." Some said they felt they had to avenge... "...we would die where our queen wants us to die—" Wanted. "...to fight any foe she deems..." Deemed. "We dared to defied the divine." Defy "Do not be so presumptuous, that because..." no comma "...the famed knights of Felgarde mounted on their barded warhorses were..." Felgarde (comma) mounted on their barded warhouse (comma) were..." "...a human, and a god." No comma. And shouldn't the Eye be called a goddess, since it's a female? "...and stabbed Queen Livan both on the abdomen, doubling her over." Both stabbed, not stabbed her both. ;) It creates a little, tiny bit of confusion, makes it sound like Livian is two people. lol. Stunning end to the battle of the two sisters. "And in front of us swarmed the..." You keep starting your sentences with "and". It sounds rather redundant or... I don't know. You might want to find the few sentences that start with And and delete the "And". Well. It begs to be continued, yet it works as just what it is. I think there is a little too little direction- there isn't enough point to what the story's purpose is. There needs to be more... something. I'm not sure. I know that it is about mastering the radical within, but there wasn't enough about that to latch it securely to a point. Know what I mean? I can't explain myself clearly... It was very action packed and rather stunning as a whole, the ending was powerful, the dialogue admirable as usual, the description has improved. It just needs a little more direction. It wasn't as... thick(meaning I didn't have to force my attention to stay) in the action parts and description as your stories have been before. Overall, I'd say it's one of your best. Your wordiness is improving. Well done. Hope to hear from you soon! ~Hex
iamthedave 2007-04-08 ch 1,	This is a very, very good story, let down only by a couple of major logic holes in the last thousand words. It would work better if it was legend, but because this guy lived through it these holes stick out quite intensely. Other than that this is one of the best stories I've ever read on Fictionpress. Below, a few more specific observations that might help you. -We had started with our hearts on our mouths with the fierce Sindtharese Zealots pursuing us, yet they too had been silenced by the eternal icy desert that bordered our Empire and their Kingdom. Subtle, but powerful imagery. Not much of it, but enough to do the legwork. Good start. -It was followed by sporadic yet quiet mutterings around the formation. Our captain noticed this and bellowed an order to keep their mouths shut, which we did promptly. Hm. The way you write this suggests the point-character isn't one of the ones muttering, so I think you can probably lose the last part of the sentence. -Light SNOWfall was our constant companion; the shrill sound of the frigid wind keening, the haggard breaths of my comrades, the SNOW-laden pines unloading their burden of SNOW on the ice-covered ground. Three uses of snow in one sentence is bad. If you can find some other words to use this would be good, but even so you are describing something very different after the first part. After all, light snowfall and frigid wind aren't the same thing. Maybe split it up? -“Jerral, quit your yapping,” scolded one. “How should we know, you piece of dung?” Not very good. The second part feels unnatural. -Queen Livan raised her head and looked at her elder sister, her body glowing like molten gold, nude except for the fires that burned on her private parts. Mmkay. Interesting. -“Livan,” she began, “Sindthar is our ally.” Oh dear. Nice twist. -“And I hope you will rue your decision to trade your humanity for more power, Temair.” Logic hole: How is this statement appropriate? She clearly isn't Human anyway, given that she's been described constantly as divine, her skin is golden fire and she's NAKED in the middle of a freezing ice waste? -“It is not too late to repent and kneel, Livan,” said the Empress. “I shall not slay that of my blood.” Just a note, excellent war scene, and you very well characterize the struggle that's going on. This is a very good story. -As I stood others became aware of what was happening; on both sides soldiers stopped their concerns of butchery to see what would become of two siblings, bound by blood and yet set apart by belief. We Luminarians saw nothing but our queen, the eagle, reaching out to catch the sun in its deadly talons. This is... overly cliched. It doesn't ring true. When adrenaline is pumping and there's blood all over the place and you've already been fighting and killing... you aren't just going to stop. The Empress' men have insurgents to kill, after all. -The scenes of a rout were well under way. How can they route? They've charged right into the center of the enemy formation. They've got nowhere to go. -But the carnage still went on unchecked—and I went on watching. Then why isn't he dead? If someone is standing gawping on a battlefield, they'll get stabbed up, and stabbed up FAST. You told a brilliantly realised war scene just a few hundred words ago, now you're killing that believability here. -She took a glowing red orb from a hidden pouch inside her cloak. You specifically state that she is being held by the arms and don't say that the Empress has released her, so how can she do this? As always, my usual sign-off: Please R & R my stories if you have the time
JJSLAM2129 2007-04-05 ch 1,	Well, it's not Tsubasa Reverse, but I can live with it... just kidding. When I first heard the phrase "Man is a wolf to himself", I was suddenly reminded of Steppenwolf. I digress... For some reason I wasn't surprised to find that Temair had formed an alliance with the Sindtharese. I guess that's what happens when you become God-like; you get powerhungry and do whatever it takes. A common literary theme, but it was presented nicely. The only thing I'm not completely enthralled about it that Livan had to be the one in the right all the time. Again, even with that, you handled it well. A few minor typos [corrections made in the brackets]: - “Then why [are they] still pursuing us if they know we’re allies?” -"...Did not ou[r] father sa[y], ‘To slay a wolf, first you must become a wolf yourself’?”" Otherwise, a wonderful story with a powerful message. Now update Tsubasa Reverse already! ( :: )
anti-climax 2007-04-05 ch 1,	nice. i'm too lazy right now to offer anything that resembles CC so yea...

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