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| Denizen 2007-06-06 ch 4,   | First: “Most of us did.” Bruce said with a snicker. “None of us really like her, but are too afraid to tell her off. Since you’ve came in, Cindy hasn’t caused anyone trouble.” “Oh ho!” I said with a smile. “Her name is Alexa. She’s been asking about you frequently.” You sort of say her name is cindy then Alexa. Second: Put a little more flow into the dialogue. It seems like its sort of rapid fire bang bang bang lines sort of thing, awkward or something. Dont know the word for it. Other than that, loving the story so far and cant wait to find out what happens next. Just watch the grammar. |
| Demolition Lovers 2007-05-27 ch 1, | interesting. |
| AluminumMuse 2007-05-05 ch 14, | Yay! Chapter 12 and 13 are titled incorrectly, so it looks asthough 13 comes first. |
| AluminumMuse 2007-05-05 ch 12, | Actually, in space, there is a constant feeling of free fall, so you wouldn't suddenly feel that sensation only after entering the atmosphere/starting the decent. Otherwise quite good. I wonder who Alexa is a clone of? |
| AluminumMuse 2007-05-05 ch 11, | Yar har, quite interesting, but not very clear. I don't really understand the purpose of the thing in his neck... |
| AluminumMuse 2007-05-05 ch 5, | *he. -winces- Sorry, Colin, please do not beat me with your super hard skin! |
| AluminumMuse 2007-05-05 ch 4, | Very well done, actually. the first chapter is a little dull, I'm wondering if you could work that into the rest of the story? Other than that, I like it. You have set the peronality very well, aswell as using the character's reactions about things (waking up in a room with no teeth and no nails) to show the general ideas of the era. Where I would be freaking out, she takes it all in stride. |
| Cthulhu Is An Awesome God 2007-05-02 ch 10, | I do like where this story is going, and I like the idea of the evil corporation genetically engineering super soldiers to battle psycho-zombie mutants on earth. But this still needs some work. The main character seems to be an erratic cardboard cut-out. One moment he's joking and cracking wise like Bruce Campbell in The Evil Dead, the next he's crying about his parents like Harry Potter. If he's going to be a big chinned cocky action hero, that's cool, but make him one all the way. Also, give me some more reason to hate Lifefield. Perhaps have the hero eavesdrop on some evil conversation between the C.E.O. where they casually refer to children as 'replacable' or 'tasty' or something like that. That'll make me hate them. Otherwise, I can't wait to see the zombies and the heros go toe-to-toe. |
| searchlight 2007-04-15 ch 4, | If it gets worse, we'll amputate? Uh, wow. I guess the itching wasn't in his mind. One thing-did you mean to call Bruce's wife Broke or is it supposed to be Brooke? This story has a very Resident Evil in space feel, which is good. At least, from my perspective. ~searchlight |
| searchlight 2007-04-14 ch 3, | Oh...you best be writing chapter three as we speak. Or have it in your pocket or something. This story is addicting! ~searchlight |
| AluminumMuse 2007-04-09 ch 1, | Interesting. Some grammatical or foolish errors, but otherwise quite engaging. Lacks emotion, but that may just be the style of introduction. I will return to this later and review the other chapters, as I must eat dinner right now. |
| searchlight 2007-04-09 ch 1, | Very interesting so far...so on I shall read! |
| theinvisiblewarrior 2007-04-05 ch 2, | i'm hooked to this story already.. keep writing! and i'll keep reading.. |