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| Adenil 2008-03-17 ch 1,   | M, you must have stepped out of your comfort zone with this one. I can tell you had a dab of trouble writing it This line though: Waiting for the waiting to cease. Great, very repetative and nicely constructed. I like it very much, thank you for writing it. |
| gnomesbeatfaeries 2007-07-02 ch 1, | Even though it should sound bitter, the fact that this poem is about a lullaby softens the hard, cynical edges to the point that you really have to pay attention to see that...wait, the persona is mad? Very, very good. michelle |
| Gerard and Edward 2007-06-25 ch 1, | Some of those lines are amazing! |
| Nemonus 2007-05-03 ch 1, | (For good poetry I suggest Emily Dickinson and Mary Oliver: they're my favorites.) Not bad. The rhythm falters, but around the end it comes together. I'd like to see a definite beat to this, almost so that it could be sung, because a lullaby about a lost lullaby is just cool... You have some good phrases: "My heart dancing/An ugly dance indeed,", "Waiting for the waiting to cease.". "An angel humming" sounded a little awkward, as did some others. Again, a definitive rhthm is necessary. |
| Midnight In Eden 2007-04-18 ch 1, | Oh dear lullaby, come back to me. Sweet sweet lullaby put my heart to sleep.(eh, heart, cliched) Coming from heaven, An angel humming My heart dancing, An ugly dance indeed. Never danced before, Never nights plead to sleep. (this doesn't make sense, should pop an "I've" before "never" and a "had" after never.) So come sweet lullaby, Put my heart to sleep. (try to describe another part of you to get to sleep) Night's been so long Waiting for the waiting to cease. (Not bad but the repetition is a touch grating. What about a different second verb?) Oh sweet lullaby God's whisper to my soul What's the use? The heart is deaf (Again, heart = cliched) Once used to see But a lullaby so sweet Made the sight flee. What's the use? My sweet lullaby isn’t here What's the use? It knows not of me! (ellipsis instead? Draws out the ending and you don't get an odd upbeat feeling) Okay. So I've added in some punctuation about the start and made a few comments. Overall, it's bland. That's your big problem, you're using cliched and tired imagery. Spice it up. Other than that, you've got a cohesive piece that works well. .:midnight:. |
| Not.So.Little 2007-04-06 ch 1, | Hm...This is good! I like the rhythm and the parallelism in it. This is something that a person can read and remember. |