“Oh please, Kraos, if the curtains are so bothersome, I will have the servants lift them for you at the next stop,” Iset said, smiling cheekily.

Love this line, very clever comeback. Do you speak Egyptian?

Wow, I love your wording and your descriptions; it was short but really well written. x

Wow. That is all I have to say. I love the way you described egypt. It was amazing. You are definitley one of my favorite authors on this site, and I am looking forward to seeing more of your works. Great job!

Goodness. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to reveiwing. I'd just moved into residence at university when you posted, and I've been so busy adjusting to everything here that it felt like I never had a spare second to read the chapter a second time to gather my thoughts. But I am here! And I initially read the chapter shortly after you posted, so know in the future that I am reading even if it takes me far longer to review than I want it to. =)

So much happens in this chapter! Hm, where to begin? Hamlima surprised me... I definitely was not counting her her to turn the tables on Iset! I am slightly worried for Iset, but I am hopeful that she'll find a way to put herself back on top. I do not want to see her playing second fiddle to Halima ... at least, not for very long. ;)

You did a beautiful job mirroring the conversation in which Halima throws Iset's words back at her -- during my first read through, once I realised what you were doing I opened up the original version in another window, so I definitely see how much work went into that exchange. Well done. I kind of hate Halima, by the way ... in the good way though. She's become a very good unexpected villain. Well, I guess everyone in this story is a bit villainous, but since I'm ultimately rooting for Iset here, I don't appreciate Halima getting all superior.

I must say, thouh, I'm completely in the dark about what Halima plans to do concerning what she just overheard between Iset and Sraemy... I can't imagine that she has much sway over Kraos, not more than Iset, anyway. I an't imagine that he loves her (unless something has really changed), especially since she started off as a royal joke. I hope that she dosn't turn Iset's plan all around and convince Kraos and Panya that Iset is inlove with Sraemy and have the two of THEM married. God, that would suck for Iset. I am excited for the possibilities, and cannot wait to be surprised.

Iset and Tor have a very interesting dynamic... he's very courtly, in his own way. Yes... I'm still holding out for an affair between the two of them. WE SHALL SEE. I thought that the discussion in the lounge was beautiful. The scene was really atmospheric, and even calming to read. Excellent job setting that up.

My only real criticism was that I noticed a couple awkward sentences, but I neglected to make note of them. Everything else is very strong, as usual.

See you next time!

Firstly apologies for taking so long to review this chapter and hopefully it won’t take me half as long to review the next chapter.

I love the description of the situation that Kraos finds himself in, I think it is amazing. It works so well for him personally and the possible state that Egypt is in or could be in. I also like the discussion/argument between Kraos and Panya about the best course of action for Kraos and Egypt to take.

Once again Kraos is attempting to assert his authority and power but once again he fails to take it the whole way and falls into his mothers grasp. I have a feeling that unless his new wife can make him strong, Kraos is always going to be a puppet whether it be to Panya, Iset, or one of his commanders. Then Kraos stands up to Tor as well, and actually manages to pull this off whilst at the same time attempting to, and at least being partly successful in reining them in.

Overall, as usual, your use of description in such an interesting way is astounding and I love it. Also your creation of an interesting set of political wrangling. The whole chapter like every other is terrific and I love it, can’t wait until I get a chance to read the next chapter.

I was so happy to see the alert for this in my inbox. I was beginning to worry that this story had gone the way of the dinosaurs. I'm so glad it hasn't! Perhaps now that it's summer updates will be more frequent? No pressure intended of course, I don't mind waiting for new chapters... although this wait was a bit long for my taste, although it was valid.

Which leads me to your research. I love how much dedication you put in making this story accurate; this chapter in particular really shows off your efforts. It's miserable that you had to switch sources, and I understand how hard it can be to regain your drive. I always go through a "depression" period when my computers lose bits of my work. It's hard to recover from sometimes. I was also wondering if you're familiar with this resource:

.il/ad/egypt

It's a huge index of almost anything you can imagine pertaining to ancient Egypt. I've used it for projects several times, and on pretty obscure topics too (Ancient Egyptian gardens for landscape design class in grade ten), as well as to satisfy personal interest and research for an abandoned historical epic I started in grade nine. It's always seemed legit to me, so hopefully it can be of use to you if you don't already know about it. And while we're on historical stuff, great use of the Roman virtues!

Proper review time. Once again, this was a chapter I wanted to read twice so I could absorb it all.

A couple of times you switched tenses in the middle of sentences/paragraphs. It almost seemed to me like you were looking off notes or an outline written in present tense as your were writing in the past tense, if that makes any sense. Here:

"He waits for her to move out of his way. Normally, he would have side-stepped and moved around her."

See what I mean? It happens twice more. One sentence is "Tor bowed" around the place Nari is discussed. And the last one begins "he will", and occurs once council is dismissed as Livius and Tor are leaving. It's less obvious than the others, but I think "He would" would be a better fit. Hopefully that's helpful. ;)

Oh Kraos. It was a good effort. I find myself very drawn to the human side of him, the part that is vulnerable, wanting to be independent and free-thinking, but at the same time overwhelmed by his responsibilities. I find him to be arrogant and even a bit spoiled outwardly, so his insecurities really "make him" for me, in a sense. I did, though, love his reflections on the symbols of his power, the leopard robe, and his breastplate -- those were brilliantly done, especially the latter, which came full circle at the end of the chapter. And, yes, I even loved the way he confronted his Mother, even though my (modern) feminine sensibilities were outraged by how he treated her.

I must say, Panya is slick. Of course, she anticipated how council would go and positioned herself in a way that she could drag her son back under her influence. I feel a bit of sympathy for Kraos, since he himself has seemed to consent to this, and it's sad to see him so thoroughly defeated but really, I have no objection to a puppet king at all. (I think you could do almost anything with this story short of having a meteor fall and crush the palace, and I'd be okay with it.)

As always the imagery is top notch, some of my favourites are Kraos fantasizing about killing Tor and Livius' arm being thick as a normal man's thigh. That second line was great at putting his stature into perspective for me. I also loved Tor's face being "blank and emotionless as a sword" and the execution/prisoner/sword metaphor.

All right, that's it from me and my post-it note comments. I wish you all the best until next time. =)

(lol I just copied this into Word in case fp loses it. It's over a page of review, so I hope you enjoy!)

Still loving this. I am so sorry for taking so long to review! Just know that I haven't forgotten your story :)

Hope to read more soon!

~Carm~

That. Is the sound of my heart breaking.

You handled this chapter beautifully, and I admire that you have stuck ot your original plans for Nari, and didn't just pair her with Sraemy because that what the readers seem to want. It takes strength and confidence both as a person and a writer to do that, and I commend you for it. So even though I am sad now, I am equally excited for the possibilities this will open up. Well done.

You are, as always, the queen of metaphors. I was jotting notes down on post-its as I read, and I don't know how many metaphors I marked down and drew hearts beside. Let's see, the bird cage ... and for some reason that was all, but I definitely oohed and awwed over most of them as they went by. The other thing you did a really good job on was the box falling with a crack on the salve woman's head. It was so vivid - I winced!

Nari... poor girl. A comment Rashidi made about desperation stuck with me: I think we will start to see Nari act desperately and unlike herself. And I think she will be formidable, because she won't be predictable. I have a theory: Halima will be assassinated, people are not pleased with her, that has been stated, and variations on "to die for" were used a lot around her. Foreshadowing, methinks. This will give Nari a second chance at the throne. And then very interesting things will begin to happen. I do like Halima though, she's silly and fun, but at this point I don't see her developing into a strong enough person to match Iset or Panya. Which is not to say that I don't think she's a strong character. I do like her.

Sraemy, I just can't hate him, even though he just destroyed my OTP for this story. He's adorable with his romantic notions. As a disgruntled romantic myself, I hope I haven't just found another literary crush.

I really loved Iset as the fashion police. I don't know if you're familiar with What Not to Wear, but I'm a devoted fan of the show, and she reminded me so much of Stacy London I just had to smile.

A couple awkward things:

"to see her disturber" disturber sounds very strange to my ear. Perhaps another word?

"wasting his time to train the ugly chick into a hawk" The wording of this part of the sentence really threw me off. I think I would swap out "train" for "turn"...

But really, just nitpicks. I like to be a bit more constructive than just providing my theories and excitement over new developments, but I do love every moment. I read it twice to ensure a thoughtful review (which is why this took so long, I had trouble finding time to reread, Sorry!). Have you considered trying to publish this at some point? I'd certainly buy it!

How could you do that to Nari, I feel so sorry for her, she now has nothing to live for. The man she loves doesn't love her. In saying that however I wonder if it means that she is going to become more of a political player, maybe in an attempt to destroy Iset. I'm unndecided about whether Halima is going to become a strong character or whether she is going to be a pawn to Iset's plans. You do that well, playing the various characters off each other very well. All in all another great chapter and I can't wait for the next one.

My God, this is absolutely amazing! Please update more! BTW, what timeframe in actual world ancient history does this story take place? Is this a fictional approximation of the Egyptian/ Roman transition period?

The only reason I visit fictionpress is to see if you've updated and you have!! Please continue, I'm completely hooked.

Don't worry about how long it took to post, I know it's taking me forever to post anything. Although I can't wait until you post another chapter.

Another great chapter. I'm loving the fighting, subtle and not so much going on between Iset and Panya. It finally came to a head in this chapter but I hope that it continues it your further chapters.

It seems that Kraos may not have as much influence over his own decisions as he believes that he does, and I still wonder how much power he is eventually going to eend up weilding.

I'll be interested to see if with her training Halima will become THE Queen or if she will become a puppet for either Iset or Panya.

Anyway I think that is enough from me, as always I will be waiting for the next chapter.

Very interesting. I was not ex[ecting a new player to be thrown into the mix. I can't wait to see how Hamila works out. I wonder if she may end up becoming more than Panya and Iset bargained for.

Kraos is so oblivious sometimes, but I thought that there was definitely some new facets of his personality evident in this chapter, which is interesting. I never picked up on his bullying before (or I may forget. It would probably be wise for me to reread this story at some point. Well, it is Christmas Break afterall.) In any case, you've done a brilliant job at creating multi-dimensional characters.

Iset is interesting. She can be very human especially in her treatment of Nari, and I believe she truly cares for Kraos too, on some level, but at the same time she can be a raging terror! I definitely enjoyed the dry humour she brought to the chapter, though. I wonder how much she knows about Sraemy's affections. It's already been established that she loves Nari, so I suspect that she wouldn't attempt to set her up with a man that she knew didn't truly have feelings for her sister. But then again... Really, is this marriage even going to be valid? Nari is princess, yes, but Panya will have a fit! (Can't wait.)

It was very nice to get more of Panya's background in this chapter.

A couple minor things (I really only nitpick these because I have nothing big to complain about):

"that does not mean he will not just choose any wife to get the whole thing over and done with" is a double negative and slightly confusing.

And at one point you wrote "out guests" which I think should have been "our", but Heaven knows that I won\t be able to find it again...

Otherwise the chapter was quite good. I thought that it dragged a little bit with the interviews, but it was still and enjoyable read. Can't wait to see more. Best of luck!

I was so excited when I saw the alert for chapter 14 in my inbox today, but then I remembered that I had taken a few days to think this chapter over, and then had forgotten to review! My bad.

One small error: at one point you wrote "He grounded his teeth in frustration" and the 'ed' on 'ground' isn't necessary.

I love Panya. She is not to be trusted at all. I totally wouldn't put it past her to pick a wife for Kraos based on whether or not the girl in question would be weaker/stronger than her. Her bit of dialogue at the end of the chapter is perfect, and I love that Kraos hasn't entirely caught on to her yet; he knows that she's a manipulator, but he doesn't see the extent to which she's using him as a pawn.

Speaking of Kraos. He's very interesting. There's some important development going on here. I feel that he's kind of in limbo right now between being a prince with little power and being pharaoh. It's obvious that he wants to behave as Pharaoh, but there are some growing pains going on. It will be interesting to see how soon (or if he ever does) come into himself. First thing he needs to learn, I think, is that he needs to trust his gut feeling where his mother is concerned. Love it!

And Sraemy ... he's so lovably awkward. His alliteration was priceless. I was actually enjoying him as he was on the surface; an sweet guy with feelings for Nari. I was kind of heartbroken to find that he's truly in love with Iset (gasp!). I genuinely like Nari and want her to be happy. That said, I love the layer that the revelation adds to Sraemy's character. It's going to cause a lot of drama, intrigue and broken hearts (both Nari's and Sraemy's, I suspect) down the line, and I am all for that. Anything that will add to the suspense and intrigue is delicious! More power to you for throwing us a curve ball.

This is still one of my favourite stories, and the wait between chapters is always worth it. I'm sorry it took me, literally, months to review. I'm off to read the new chapter now, and I will review for it tonight, promise.

I guess the big questions are
Will Nari tell Sraemy?
Will the marriage pull through even if she does?
What is Panya's scheme? I have a feeling she and Iset will be vying for manipulative control.
And what is the future queen's plan? That will be most interesting to see.

A lot of vicious humor in this chapter--well done. I especially liked how you replaced hell with afterlife, most amusing.

I look forward to the next chapter.