This looks like it could be shaping up into a fairly interesting story. =) I like the idea, and I think you've got a good idea of where you're heading, so that's a start.

Just a little suggestion: a few of the sentences are quite long, and it might pay to use full stops instead of commas in some places. Other than that I like it; the sentences are snappy and to the point, which help with setting the mood.

I look forward to reading more!