WE HAVE THE SAME VIEWS! LOL. i should add mine up here... wat would reichstein say? have two of her students post their essays on a web page...*thinks* can you say extra credit? lol. its rteally good. my sister wants me to ask you (she has to write a essay on cyber-bullying for her collage...) if she can... "borrow" *winks* this as a tool for "ideas"

You are indeed foremost.

You're very stupid. You should shoot yourself in the face.

That, my friend, is cyberbullying. Saying "boo you **" in IM is not cyberbullying, or everyone I know would be dead. And if you're being cyberbullied, the obvious answer is to block that mofo, or (if it gets out of hand) to block everyone but people you know. Or, better yet, to just get over yourself. Bullying is not as bad as Oprah would lead you to believe.

- Lola

Were you trying to persuade me that cyber-bullying is harrassment? Because you said it so much, it was more like you were pounding it into my head and using reasoning like "my dad said so". My dad said that the Bears were going to win the Superbowl, but we knew that wasn't going to happen, ha ha. And I have a feeling that there was more behind the reason why your friend was cutting herself. I've been threatened online -hell, the reason I left school was because I was being bullied- but it was never the sole reason that I decided to hurt myself. Yeah... I don't know what I'm getting at, but your essay wasn't very well written. Four paragraphs IN A ROW started with cyber-bullying. It's not attractive, ha ha. But yeah... I'm just going to wander off.

Ok. Your essay seems to be written from the heart, and with a fair (if not extreme) amount of feeling.

Not necessarily a good thing.

In the first place, your tone. It's highly informal, which is NOT GOOD for any serious essayist. Do NOT use the phrase, "as you can see" in any essay. It is best not to appeal to your audience, but rather state your points as FACT. You come off sounding much stronger and more intelligent. Also (as someone else mentioned) do not EVER quote your dad in another essay. EVER. Some of your better statistics, et cetera, you lack citations for, which is also informal and technically illegal.

Repetition is your next biggest problem. The phrases "as you can see" and "cyber-bullying is harassment" are repeated innumerable times. Honestly, you could pare this essay down to about two paragraphs if you took out everything that you restate various times.

Structurally, you're a little bit lacking; the essay sort of hopscotches around, repeating points and making tangent or unconnected points in some highly random places. Every paragraph in an essay should address a specific point, and then that point should not appear in more than a brief reference (except perhaps in your conclusion).

Finally, some of your sentences are just weak, partially so because of grammar. "Doing this would be justified because students will be able to focus better without the dreadful pressure on their shoulders" is not a good sentence. It just SOUNDS weak. You can read your essay aloud for a better sense of what makes a strong sentence.

It's not an ideal essay by any means. But you do seem to care about the issue (the fact that one of your friends was affected by it is an especially potent catalyst for any writer), and I think that with some good hard work you could make this a great piece.

Why is this in the humor category? I mean, 20% of the victims of cyber-bullying commit suicide. Are you saying suicide is funny? My dad says suicide is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly.

"2 out of 5 of the victims of cyber-bullying commit suicide for the biased judgment and negative peer pressure."

What? Where does this come from? If "cyber-bullied" constitutes everyone who's recieved a nasty comment from someone online then that's a lot of people committing suicide. You don't do a good job of defining just what cyberbulling is.

Call me callous, but I think that if something as trivial as a post from the internet (where the majority of everything people say is misunderstood and everyone appears to act like morons) drives you to suicide, then you've got other problems you need to work on.

Furthermore, how can one prohibit cyberbullying? Are you going to break into people's house while they're on the computer? It doesn't happen in a school, you can't just stop it. Also, maybe this is because I don't spend that much time on the net, if I were being "cyber-bullied" I would just stop IMing or talking to whomever's bothering me. The Internet is full of jackasses; the best policy is to ignore them.

"My dad agrees cyber-bullying should be prohibited."

Never use a line that starts with "My Dad" in an essay ever again.

This is a good, strong essay in most parts. Some things that weakened it however were the fact that at the end of each paragraph you said "As you can see..." instead of linking them to the paragraph to come. You repeated several things throughout, which took away from the actual point (in my opinion). In the thesis you state two reasons of why cyber-bullying should be stopped, however you have four paragraphs as the body. Three of them focus on different aspects of the same point. It would be wise to put them together. You also may not want to use your father as a reference.
Hope I don't sound too mean! I think this is a great thing to write an essay about.

Falcon

You badly need to define your terms and cite where you get your figures from.

It is an excellent essay, in the sense that you presented your argument clearly and strongly, and drove your point home. However, if you want to 'kick it up a notch,' there are some stylistic points that you might want to address.

Personally, I don't like the way you repeat each sentence of your thesis at the beginning of each new paragraph. Doing that is a good way to practice structure…for a student. Even though it makes things clear beyond a shadow of a doubt, it also becomes repetitive and tedious. There are sentences that actually show up word for word two or three times, and rather than reinforcing your point, the repetition weakens it. We heard you the first time.

My other criticism is where you quote your father's opinions on cyber-bullying. It's fine to use his words, because they certainly support your topic…but no argument could make your essay sound less mature than "my dad says so."

I don't want to sound nitpicky or bitchy, because other than those things you have a great essay. I liked the topic a lot; it is interesting and not something that I've really seen addressed in other essays. Good on you! Keep writing. :-)