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| Carmel March 2007-04-25 ch 1,  | abuseExcellent story. You have a refreshing and unique perspective, and the way you narrate is intriguing. The dialogue is set at a nice pace, very realistic, very smooth. Good job on this! ~carm~ |
| Kendal 2007-04-24 ch 1, anon. | abuseI actually meant the first sentence of the second paragraph... |
| Kendal 2007-04-24 ch 1, | abuseThis looks good so far. I do have some suggestions/comments. The first is that the first sentence of the first paragraph is fantastic. You might actually want to consider moving it to the beginning of the story and making it its own paragraph as an attention grabber. It's hard when the first few paragraphs are purely expository. Of course, many great authors have been known to start their works this way, but on you have to grab attention where you can. Another thing is that you might want to separate the first part and the second part -- what happens to the woman would make a good prologue, whereas Ivan's entrance would nicely start the actual story. Again, it's back to whetting people's curiosity. First get them hooked, then keep them there. :) The premise is interesting. I think it deserves to be continued. I would like to see more explanation -- obviously their world is very different from ours and some things can be inferred from this, but whether those assumptions are true or not remains to be seen. At any rate, nice job. :) I am a very big fan of the unusual vocab... You don't see that very often. |