hey i really like this plz keep writing it i am enjoying it!!

This is a good start!
That sucks that Zack was so mean to Chrissie after those boys teased him, but hey, it's primary school. Maybe when they move in together he won't be as bad!
There were a couple of grammar mistakes, but nothing a quick read-through won't catch.
Update soon!

i luv it! sounds really good so far, please update soon!

oh wow O.O interesting story =D!

I didn't read the old version but except for a few little grammar mistakes this version seems really good. You got me interested to see what happens next when she sees Zack again:)

'ello! Okay my personal opinion I think Crissie may be acting a little to high strung. Like the end was kind of justified with the possible girfriend but at the beginning he didn't really do anything too bad. Also, with the beginning if they all moved in together to save money how do they have that cool of a house? Lol not that the house is a bad thing it's just if they were doing it to save money shouldn't they be living in a not too lavish home? Just a small critique. But on good notes I really liked how you conveyed how unsure and confused she was at the end. And you talked about their actions well with the whole show not tell thing. And yeah :) good job

hey you, I'm finally reviewing the second part :)
Okay so I still like the idea but I think you might have some plot holes. For example if the parents were that intent on setting the two of them up why didn't they talk at all for like five years then? Also, the other critique I have is I think it might be a little overdoing it for parents to be that obsessed on getting their children together, so much so that she didn't even want her daughter to play and meet other friends when she was younger. However, the jacket scene was cute, I liked that the parents toned it down at the end. Also it made you interested why he never really smiled when you mentioned that casually in his room. Anyways good job again and hope this helped!

There's a problem for your little chatting-with-the-mind thingy. It's excellent that you bold and italicise your sentences, but you did not put a punctuation at the end. So all your sentences are hanging in mid-air, like:
I cannot believe I just did that
instead of
I cannot believe I just did that.

And remember the part with the mini-skirt? I don't think it's appropriate that Zach should flash a "cheesy" grin at Chrissie after saying that she'll look hot in it. Shouldn't he flash her a mischievous smile instead? Because cheesy smiles are for like after he goes, "I declare undying love for you," or something mushy to that extent. But in this case, he's sort of flirting with her, so mischief would be a better description of that smile.

Okay, it's quite an interesting plot you've got here. But you've got a few problems with your dialogue. You've been writing:
1) "Daddy, it's ok we can play again I've got my ball." She said lightly grabbing onto her fathers hand.
This one has a major problem with its punctuation. You had no commas in your dialogue, making the character seem as though she's rambling on and on. (Or maybe, that's how you wanted it to sound like, I don't know.) Also, because the hand she's grabbing "belongs" to her father, you have to add an apostrophe before the 's'.
2)"Don't get too happy, let's wait till I see the inside" I said smirking.
For this one, you didn't have a comma after the word inside.
3)I sighed before saying "It's been six years Zach. What did you expect?"
And for THIS one, you didn't have a comma before the dialogue starts. And there's also the rambling problem.

The above three examples are supposed to be written this way:
1) "Daddy, it's ok, we can play again, I've got my ball," she said lightly, grabbing onto her father's hand.
2) "Don't get too happy, let's wait till I see the inside," I said, smirking.
3) I sighed before saying, "It's been six years, Zach. What did you expect?"

Notice the commas before the close inverted commas for each example. It has to be that way, because your sentence is not yet finished even though the speech of the character is done. If your character is shouting, it is alright to end your character's speech with an exclamation mark, but it is never alright to end the speech with a full stop. So:

a) "Hey! Give that back!" she yelled.

is correct, but:

b) "Help me with this thing." she whined.

is wrong.

And at the closing of a speech, the he/she/they do not have to have a capital letter at the beginning.

However, if the speech is not going to end with "so-and-so said", and an action instead, the speech can end with a full stop. For instance, the sentence below:

"Help me with this thing." She pulled fruitlessly at the box.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I'm just trying to help (and I really hope that I've done that.)

Okay, that'll be all for now.

~mavis (RF)

AW SHE 5AD BUT LIKEING THE STORY IS CUTE AND I THINK THE GIRL IN THE PIC WAS HER SLEF

Please update soon so nice love it!

She did kinda jump the gun didn't she?

heyy...i agree with some people when they said the title didn't seem you know...i use to write in Quizilla, but decided to stop.

The title of your story is exactly like the ones you see in Quizilla.

I suggest you change it, dear! Sorry, if my reviews seem to harsh. I'm just trying to help, and trust me, I know how you feel! I've been attacked pretty badly before! :p

Good luck always!!

A few grammatical errors here and there but those can be fixed.

Also...at one point you capitalized the word beautiful just to show excitement. There is no need to capitalize, instead you use exclamation marks. :)

Nice start, and I like the idea of the guy and the girl living under one room. Stories with that kind of plot make the readers more intertested. Glad you came up with that. ;p

I noticed this story is much longer than your newest one, so yeah, that's something nice. :) And...i hope you could add a description of Zach...you just introduced a character w/o telling us how he looks or how he acts (specifically).

When Chrissie said she wanted a pice of Zach you could have told us in what way did she want him. WHat made her say that? Was he hot or what?

Anyway, awesome start! Please continue! :)

That was pretty good for the first two chapters. It really kept me interested too. The only thing that I think would help would be to add a little more discription like what does Zach and Chrissie look like. You may want to play into Zach's personality a little bit more. Hope I helped. Love Always-Meghan