Reviews for Dark Bloodline - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Dark Bloodline

Kyllorac 2008-03-19 ch 2,	abuseReview Game "It was commonly known amongst the bandits that Nielus would sooner walk around naked then be caught in puffed up pantaloons." - The mental image of Nielus walking around in a pair of puffed up pantaloons is priceless. XD "the last thing he needed was a group of reckless ten year olds running around in a highly flammable mystical forest waving around explosive balls of flame" XD Bits and pieces of this chapter made me smile, especially the image of a bunch of ten-year-olds pyromaniacs set loose. XD Again, you seem to have problems with commas, otherwise, the writing was decent.
Kyllorac 2008-03-19 ch 1,	abuseReview Game "The few who knew how to deal with his powers were his enemies now. Nielus’ betrayal had made him an enemy of clan Unseen, and one of the few people who could stand as his equal in combat. It was of his greatest regrets, losing Meytaal. The Phantom-Alchemist was so similar to him, they understood each other’s inner working intimately." This particular section was quite confusing. Who is his equal in combat? Also, you just suddenly mention Meytaal witoout giving a reason why. I liked the nightmare sequence at the end, although the fight scene was a bit tiresome to read since it was just a single block of text. That nightmare does have me wondering just what the nature of Nielus's powers are. There are a number of missing commas, and the wording is a tad awkward in places. You might want to find a beta to help look things over (I'm available, if you'd like). This chapter does do a good job of introducing us to the main character (who I quite like, so far) as well as capturing and keeping interest. Overall, a decent start. :D
Harmonic Discord 2008-03-17 ch 1,	abuseHe stood at the waterfall focusing, preparing(.) (H)e knew they would come, but when, and more importantly why? -- I think you need two separate sentences here, instead of independent clauses separated by a comma. He needed to use an exact amount otherwise it would be a failed test. -- Again, 2 independent clauses; consider adding a semicolon or making them into 2 sentences. Other than that, I really like your beginning. It instantly raises questions, throws readers into the action, and establishes interest. Well done. The water ceased to fall, frozen, the orange glint of dusk reflecting off the glistening surface laced with powdery feather(-)like cracks and flaws. He looked ever so slightly effeminate, but those brave enough to say so discovered he had a very masculine wrath. -- This made me chuckle - nice turn of phrase. His features, while vaguely handsome(,) were always overlooked because of his eyes. I think the description drags on for just a little too long in parts of this chapter. The description of Neilus, for example, is a little drawn out. Not to say that all of it is dull or anything; I really like certain aspects of it, such as the description of his eyes as "looking into an abyss, and seeing something stare back through the gloom." You paint some beautiful pictures. Just remember, sometimes less is more. “You’re getting a lot better Nielus(,)” (s)houted someone from atop the waterfall, -- The quote is part of the sentence, not a separate sentence; use commas with quotes. Nielus(') voice was that of a young adult, but it didn’t seem to fit with his age exactly. The pout swapped fluidly to an innocent smirk showing pearly teeth, and bright mischief danced behind his eyes, for which he was known amongst the bandits for. -- no "for" after "bandits" The barrier around his memories apparently had a temper and a sword, he would always wake up after hitting the wall coughing up blood, burning with a near fatal fever, slashed by a sword in the same place every time; across his chest too close to his heart. -- Wow, that's dramatic. At first I thought you were being figurative about the sword bit. Nielus growled very slightly(,) drawing his gums back to expose the wrong teeth. He shaped it into the spell, focussing on the image of their safe home. -- "focusing" Overall, liked this chapter - just watch out for run-on sentences... or paragraphs. The third paragraph before the end, for example, is a little hard on the eyes - maybe you could break it down a little?
thx4allthefish 2007-10-28 ch 14,	abuseNice story... I like it a lot. I'm only confused a little bit... mostly on the historical stuff (the Ascension). I like how you made the three main competing branches' leaders related... how's that for a family reunion?
kimono3kitty 2007-09-30 ch 12,	abuseI'm very intrigued by the last two chapters. Keep up the good work! ~K3k
Stotty Thunder 2007-09-22 ch 1,	abuseA nice addition to the fantasy genre, good job! This is one of the most in depth and riveting books I have ever read. Keep up the good work! (^^)
kimono3kitty 2007-09-08 ch 8,	abuseThe chapter wasn't that bad, you're traveling scenes are charming. Two questions today: 1.Is alcohol illegal? 2.Why did they throw up the pineapple. The corpse in the alcohol description was rather entertaining. ~K3k
DreamWeaver010 2007-08-28 ch 4,	abuseI’m getting there, slowly but surely. I am sorry I can’t R&R faster. One question at this point: is Nue infatuated with Nielus?
DreamWeaver010 2007-08-26 ch 3,	abuseI got a little confused in the first few paragraphs, where you were giving historical information. The talk about the “decline” was just added background info for Evan and Rah came from, right? You mentioned in one of the earlier chapters that the bandits were rather nomadic, and here they are settling into the abandoned castle. Is this something they do every year, like for winter? I like how Nielus’s conscious is starting to get at him for having spread his curse inadvertently. I think he should feel guilty where Nue and Lytre are concerned, though, since they are closest to him. It’s neat and intriguing that Nielus was reading the Evanian language without even noticing it. The fight scene was confusing…There were shadow creatures, demons and the sorcerer…who was being killed…? I agree that it’s defiantly a teaser chapter, and I love the cliffhanger. It does seem a little jumpy, though. I would suggest going slower and filling in more of the details on how Nielus goes from point A to point B to point C. That should make it easier to read. Overall, though, the story is shaping up!
kimono3kitty 2007-08-16 ch 6,	abuseI'm sorry about the Nue-Xena haunting, but she really did remind me of Xena. Well, at least the Warrior Princess part. The differences between the Beast people and the wraiths are very interesting. Relationships between the two groups must be quite entertaining to watch. The pictures are lovely. ~K3k
DreamWeaver010 2007-08-15 ch 2,	abuseI like how Nielus’s mind drifts back in time…it fills in holes. I want to know why Livion left, though, right after Nielus taught him about magic. Why did Lytre have to wake Nielus up just as he found Adrian in his dreams!? Grr… Also, the way the magics seem to work…I’m jealous. I could use that on occasion!
DreamWeaver010 2007-08-15 ch 1,	abuseThe beginning is good—starts off with a mystery. Why is he freezing the waterfall? If I were you, I would add sensory details in the first couple of paragraphs, to give the sense of steady and usual except what Nielus is doing. I wouldn’t have thought Lytre a child. I more assumed he was Nielus’s age. I like the way you described the camp…“alive”. It seems to both provide constant threat and shelter. The only piece of advice I can give for this chapter is to revise. I found numerous grammar mistakes—missing commas and apostrophes and such. Revision will help prevent the readers from snagging and let them flow over the story. Also, Damius, I think you misled me. You said the first chapter is boring and I must disagree. I find it fascinating to no end.
kimono3kitty 2007-07-29 ch 5,	abuseI liked Nielus's room; it sounded very cozy. Nue's very cool but, for some reason, I think of her as a variation on Xena Warrior Princess.
kimono3kitty 2007-07-12 ch 4,	abuseI go on vacation and when I get back, two wonderful chapters are waiting for me. :) I love how Nielus states/thinks his opinions of everything instead of just holding back. And I am envious of you fight scenes! I can't write them very well... Keep up the good work! ~K3k
kimono3kitty 2007-06-07 ch 2,	abuseI like your writing style. It is very descriptive and has a nice flow to it. I will look forward to the next installment. (First review! ^^) ~K3k

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