Reviews for Mercury Zero - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Mercury Zero - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Caecilia 2008-08-23 ch 24,	abusegasp Amazing chapter. I knew you weren't going to let her be taken in. Hm... Jaegar, that's not going to stop her from wanting to kill someone... Woah, amazing. Can't get over it. Excited for the next chapter~ Glad it's not a cliffhanger... too much. ~Caecilia
Caecilia 2008-08-22 ch 23,	abuse[has been taken from me] Should probably be 'had been...' Just to keep the tenses straight. Oh! Laelas got in trouble! I can't wait to see what happens. I want to know what's going on. Love the story, and I'm addicted. Excited to know when you update. ~Caecilia
Caecilia 2008-08-22 ch 20,	abuseOnly one thing caught my eye.[We drop down into a hanger and land on some boxes.] I think that it should be 'dropped' instead of 'drop'... Or maybe not. In some parts of this chapter you use a present tense, but then sometimes you used past tense. I'm a bit confused. Still liking the story, nice plot twist. Can't wait to read more. ~Caecilia
Comawhite13 2008-08-22 ch 1,	abuseThank you for the review, and while I am not very much a fan of anonymous reviews (I'd like to know who is critiquing my work, after all), I will take the time to mention a few things about my story. Just so everyone knows, the copy I publish on FP is not the final copy of the story, once I am finished with a story, I go back and edit it again, hence there are small typos here and there (most of these chapters were added before FP had a spell check service). Second of all, this is meant to be a stream of consciousness piece. I understand that in most regular stories setting up the setting, etc is very important, but I want it to be from her point of view, and it's not often I enter a room and go "the richly colored burgundy drapes gave the room an ominous aura" so she won't do it either. The story moves fast because what you percieve as "large" details now are actually a much smaller part of a big story. I am going to go back and re-visit the ideas I introduced in earlier chapters, I don't like explaining everything right off the bat. However, I thank you for taking the time to write your review, and of course I will take your suggestions under consideration.
Anonymous 2008-08-22 ch 10, anon.	abuseYou have a good idea for a story. I like the plot and I'm interested in what will happen to the main character. However there are some things you'll need to work on before this can truly be outstanding. First off, the character is not very well developed. She is right now, only a typecast of what the character could be. There is no life or blood within her yet. You should allow the reader to explore her thoughts a bit more. The pace of the story is very fast. You need to first set up the setting clearly and detailed in your mind. From there on, you can create this world. Within a few minutes of meeting our heroine, she is kidnapped and then meets a doctor, the commander of the ship and a man named Jaegar. The commander's story shouldn't be revealed so quickly. Make the reader curious: Who is Trixie? Why does he allow her to sleep in this woman's room? What is with the 19th century furniture? Also you should explain a bit more about the races and the fleet to provide a solid and staid foundation on which your story can stand. Stylistically and grammatically. It's mostly fine. You had a few grammar errors like in chapter 2, "he looked at my". In the first chapter, the partiular style is overused. You talk in very fragmented phrases, which stunts the story rather than develops it. You should use this sparingly, and intersperse it more with the narrator's voice, whoever is telling this story. However, this is a good story with good potential. Work on these things and I would love to see the result.
Caecilia 2008-08-21 ch 12,	abuseOne thing caught my eye- [we’re our a pilot anyhow] I think you mean 'out'. Love how Laelas greets her wake-up call. Yay! she's finally in action. Another great chapter. Normally something so short would bug me, but I like the way each chapter is. Good Job. ~Caecilia
Caecilia 2008-08-21 ch 11,	abuseI love your characters! Very interesting crew of the ship she's on. I really have no crit or any errors so really all I'm doing is gushing. Jaegar has cracked me up so far. I look forward to seeing if his intentions are true or if he's a 'bad guy'. Off to read the next chapter. ~Caecilia
Caecilia 2008-08-21 ch 6,	abuseOnly one error I caught. [though run through] 'thought' 't's are useful things... Really like Laelas's personality... What she has of it, at least. Grr... Victor Burke still annoys me. Other than that, good writing. ~Caecilia
Caecilia 2008-08-21 ch 3,	abuseSucks for what Laelas is going through, but I like her character. I'm intrigued by your story. It's sucked me in. Great chapter. Look forward to reading more. ~Caecilia
Caecilia 2008-08-17 ch 2,	abuseShort, but I think with what you have here, the length works for it. Something that caught my eye-- Slowly, it began to get closer, materialize out of the haze of space. I think it should be 'materializing' instead. I really like the style of writing in this. Instead of paragraphs, the line by line makes it seem like it's directly from Airman Laelas. Can't wait to see more~ off to chapter three. ~Caecilia
Caecilia 2008-08-17 ch 1,	abuseI think this first chapter has somewhat of a poetic quality in the beginning of it. I love what you have here so far. I'm intrigued by her lack of memories. No errors as far as I can see. Can't wait to read more ~Caecilia, down at the Roadhouse [off to read the second chapter]
Violent Messiah 2008-08-17 ch 4,	abuseHeh...the exchange between Laelas and Burke made me smile. I forgot to mention that in the last chapter, even with his few lines of dialog, I still found him to be a right insufferable bastard, so Laelas showing him up was great. So wait...there's a commander AND a captain? Unusual...I always thought it was one or the other...then again, I watch too much Battlestar Galactica, so nevermind me. No errors I could see, nice little exchange between characters...this tale is moving along at a pretty quick pace and I'm liking it. Good job. (This review was brought to you by The Anti Silence Squad at The Road House...Cheers!)
Violent Messiah 2008-08-17 ch 3,	abuseAh, we meet other characters in this chapter, which means dialog. Sweet. The dialog seemed to flow pretty well and sounded like something you'd expect to hear in a space opera med bay, so that was good. Didn't find anything wrong with this chapter, but I found something curious. The Commander of the ship and apparently fleet is also the security officer? Not a big deal, just odd as the security officer is usually a separate position. Although it is your universe so your rules, so disregard that. Another good chapter...go ahead, give yourself a "YaY me!". -=) (This review was brought to you by The Anti Silence Squad at The Road House...Cheers!)
Violent Messiah 2008-08-17 ch 2,	abuseO...short on length, but not on tension. Coolness. I could actually feel her hopes get up and then be dashed down. Nice description. A couple of minor things caught my attention... "Slowly, it began to get closer, materialize out of the haze of space." I think that should be 'materializing'... "I gritted my teeth in frustration and pound the screen with my fingers faster," Probably should be 'pounded' instead, to keep it all in the same tense, you know? Other then those two things, I thought it worked well. Off to the next chapter! (This review brought to you by The Anti Silence Squad at The Road House...Cheers!
Violent Messiah 2008-08-17 ch 1,	abuseI've been meaning to check this piece out as I haven't read much sci-fi lately, and since you requested someone to I figure now is as good a time as any. Love the title, BTW...it's made of pure win, but then again it has my IRL nickname in it (Zero), so how could it not be? -=) I gotta admit, the structure of the prologue? I honestly thought it was going to bug me, the way it's set up with the one or two sentences instead of paragraphs. However, as I read more, I felt it kind of fit the way the main character was speaking somehow. I actually grew to dig it, so that was cool. I get a little feeling for Airman Laelas, even with this small prologue. I get she's got a rather interesting complication in her life (her strangely selective memory) that almost makes her not quite human, almost machine like. A rather unusual character flaw, but one that makes her more intriguing, and makes me want to read more of her exploits. You've got some great lines in here, like: "We coexist, battling for those few shards of memory that slowly fade into oblivion" and... "Anything that would keep me human is mercilessly dragged from my skull, as I scream and beg for it to remain, to remember the shape of my lover’s face, to remember their voice. Anything." That's the kind of stuff that lets the reader feel something for a character, which always rocks. I like how she has a problem, a pretty severe problem on the personal level, yet doesn't angst about it, just finds something to help her get over i. HaGood thinking...have a cookie. I don't think I saw many if any errors (I have to remember you're Canadian sometimes when I think I see a misspell), so we're good on that front. Wildly different from 10 Years Of Darkness, but definitely good so far so you know I'll be following this one as well. BTW, love the Neo-Russian Revolution tid-bit. (This review was brought to you by The Anti Silence Squad at The Road House...Cheers!)

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