Reviews for When the Girl Smiles

Reviews For: When the Girl Smiles - Reviews: Page 1 of 4

SuperCUTEJensen 2008-02-24 ch 2,	abusegreat chapter update soon
Rochellebratz19 2007-12-15 ch 11,	abusekeep the story going. I think its good
Roselyn Flores 2007-11-30 ch 11,	abusehey I changed my mind I'd rather a short story with roxanne and Scott... I don't know I like 'em all! :) :)
Roselyn Flores 2007-11-30 ch 13,	abuseKari and Matt! :)
psychotic aiba lover 2007-09-02 ch 3,	abuseI think you need to put more emotions in how the characters talk. And more interaction between Kari and Matt! That’s the most important thing…for me. Hahah. And again, Kari actually agreed to go out with Matt! That’s a miracle! Hahah, sorry, after how she treated him all this time, I really don’t like her. Hmph. Hekhek. But oh well, I’ll probably get to like her later in the story. Yeah, please add more emotions especially in the part between Joe and Kari. Maybe you could add how Joe reacted to what Kari said and stuff. Like how there was shock on his face or something. :D Wait. I don’t get it. Kari worked at a bakery?? Or is she transferring jobs? Hmm…
psychotic aiba lover 2007-09-02 ch 2,	abuseAs he was looking for his shirt when the phone rang. – I think you should remove ‘as’. HAHAH! I find it funny that all that Matt says is ‘what’. :)) He’s so apathetic. So funny. Uh…I found quite a bit of grammatical errors in the first part but, I think you got them already? :D “I’ll follow you any where.” – o_O That sounded a bit stalker-ish. Hahah! I would have been surprised to if someone said that. xD Heheh. The whole showing the ropes thing was short. I thought more stuff would happen. But oh well, it’s nice to see that Kari’s not really interested in him yet. Hekhek. I’m loving it. :D Hahah. Finally, he knows. Hekhek. I don’t really like Kari. She seems a little bit too mean. :( Rude to Matt. Uh, you seem to be switching tenses from past to present then vice versa. But mostly everyone commits that mistake anyway. Heheh. I really don’t like Kari! D< She’s so rude to Matt! Argh…Well, maybe she has a reason to be but sometimes she’s sort of okay and friendly and then the next minute, she’s all cranky. SEE?! She’s talking to him again! But then, sometimes, she’s so off-limits! She’s a schizophrenic! Heheh, sorry for criticizing her personality, I just find her a bit mean and all. You’ve got some run on sentences there. happens to her at night, especially when her dad comes home drunk. – Holee. That thing about her dad is sad. Oh wait, sorry to ask but is Joe living with Matt? So Kari lives with her dad alone? Oh that’s really sad. Her dad beat her? That’s so cruel! ;(
psychotic aiba lover 2007-09-02 ch 1,	abuseHi! I’m from the Reviewer’s found. :D The girl at the cash register started to checkout his items when the friendly curly blonde hair boy, Matt said “Hey, how you doing?” – First of all, I think it’s check out? But I’m not really sure. Heheh, that’s just what I think. And second, hmm, maybe, you should still use he instead of using Matt first and then later, just let the readers know his name when he introduces himself. I was a bit confused at first as to whether a new character entered the story. Am I right? call from his friend Joe – I think there’s supposed to be a comma after friend. But oh no! I forgot how to spell comma…comma? Or coma? Is coma the thing related to the unconscious person in the hospital? Holy cow. I forgot. Hahah. But anyway, hahah, I loved how the girl was sarcastic and seemed uninterested towards the guy. :D Didn’t your dad said that he’ll pay for everything till you got out of college?” – say :D That pout always gotten Joe what he wanted… - that pout had/has always gotten. Sorry, I suck at tenses. Heheh. :) Joe feign looking hurt… - feigned. But I think you sort of know these mistakes already since you said you’re going to revise this. I think I’ll pass on the grammar errors. I’m sure you know them already. :D I’ve had a bad ice cream craving all day and I need some ice cream – Ice cream sounds sort of repetitive to me. Maybe you could use a pronoun. Oh yeah, but anyway, gasp Kari has a bruise. Beating? :( Before Matt left he said to her “Be more careful.” – Aww! Heheh, that’s nice. xD ! Joe’s Kari’s brother?! WOW. Hahah, and Matt never knew? gasp Hahah, this is a cool plot! YEAH! It’s a great chapter. Good work. Just scratch out the grammatical errors and there you go, perfect. :D
Yuki's Hachi 2007-07-30 ch 12,	abuseYOU HAVE TO KEEP WRITING! There is a few things that seam weird and need changed but that's just me this is just the first draft you can always go back and fix things here and there
Just Breathing 2007-07-29 ch 2,	abuseOnce again, there needs to be some fluidity throughout your sentences. You end sentences where you shouldn't, and start sentences at a very awkward place. (Matt ran around his apartment looking for his white dress shirt. He couldn't find it. He was going to be late if he didn't find it soon. As he was looking for his shirt when the phone rang.) That whole paragraph needs to be connected. Also, there are several grammar mistakes that need to be weeded out of this chapter. I suggest beta-ing it once more. AND last thing, I swear... There needs to be more description in what you're writing. For example, the scene at the end with Kari and her father is really vague and the reader really can't sympathize with her because it's so vague. Anyway, I'm done with my nit-picking. Keep on working on your writing! Just Breathing AKA Steph from Reviewer's Found
spokenlies.writtentruths. 2007-07-26 ch 2,	abuseReview #2: The first scene no depth at all. The dialogue was robotic and unemotional, or realistic. People dont usually talk like that. And, your grammar is all over the place, I'm sorry to say. ["What? What happen?"] - should be: [What? What happened?] Okay, honestly I'm seriously going to stop nitpicking, since your beta was meant to do this FOR you! The punctual errors are seriously too noticable, and unfortunately the scenes are so bland and not-so-eye-catching material. Isabella.x
spokenlies.writtentruths. 2007-07-26 ch 1,	abuseHey, I'm from Reviewers_found Review #1: Okay, first of all, I'm going nitpick at things, so please dont take it the wrong way ^_^ The first scene with him meeting Kari was slightly unrealistic, and sentences were really choppy in most of the paragraphs. [He found his way to the supermarket. He didn’t want to be there, but he was hungry and he had ran out of food. He grabbed a cart and started down the aisle. He grabbed food he’d need like bread, lunchmeat, fruit, herbs, pasta, meat, and other things he thought he’d want.] - This didnt flow at all to me. You overuse the pronoun "he" a lot and this could have been your chance to describe his facial features. The ACTUAL part when he meets Kari, is so utterly random. He must have at least built the confidence to talk to her, unless he was especially arrogant and smug. This: [Matt took that answer as ‘I'm not interested.’ Once he put his bags into his cart and paid the girl, she said to him "By the way I'm Kari. Have a nice day."] - could have been worded way better. [On the rest of the ride home, Matt thought about that girl in the supermarket. When she smiled at him it didn’t reach her eyes. It was one of those picture smiles, when someone just comes up and says ‘smile’. It wasn’t a real smile. It was fake. The girl looked sad, even when she was smiling.] - Personally, I think you used the word 'smile' way too many times. The dialogue between Joe could have had more depth and some expressions, like: ["Duhh dum, dum." Joe taunted at his friend.] [The next day Matt went back down to the Hendrix center and applied for a job at the drug store and at the supermarket across the street.] - This is a run-on sentence. The scene with Kari And Matt again was fairly ... abrupt. Here: [He shouldn’t be surprised it takes a while to find jobs.] You changed from past tense to present tense in a few words. The whole "Brown haired girl" shinanigan (yes, I said that ^_^) is kind of off. The bland description sounds awkward and out of place. There needs to be some other distinction about her that sets Kari apart from others. [Is he in trouble?] - [Was he in trouble?] The whole thing with her manager and Joe... was way too rushed. There was barely any depth written in that scene. Well, that's it from me. Isabella.x
em 2007-07-26 ch 12, anon.	abuseplease keep writing this story, i perosnly really liek it and think its written pretty well, but if you really want to you should put the new story up...as long as this one is continued too
Just Breathing 2007-07-25 ch 1,	abuseNice first chapter. I'm just going to nit-pick one thing, and that's just connecting your sentences together. For example, your first paragraph was composed of mainly really short sentences... Instead of writing: He found his way to the supermarket. He didn't want to be there, but he was hungry and he had ran out of food. Try to connect it into one fluid sentence... I just found that that first sentence was like it was cut into the middle of a chapter or something of the sort. Anyway, onto the rest of the chapter. So far it's pretty good. Sneaky way to get him to talk to her some more by placing him at her work. Keep up the good work. Just Breathing AKA Steph from Reviewer's Found.
bitterdeath 2007-07-23 ch 12,	abuseI definitely thing that you should really keep this story going... i really liek it
ihrtbks 2007-07-23 ch 12,	abuseI'd like it if you continue. There are some parts where the plot seems a little... but it's not too bad. Please keep going!

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