This is so good! I could never do something like this!

An intriguing start. This looks like it could be interesting, even if it appears that you've already finished it. (Good for you!)

Hey, this sounds pretty cool! I love your pen name! Well, I encourage you to write more.

Golden collars, eh? Could they be two halves of a single soul? The good and the bad? Hm...

Nice chapter. Alexandria seems an interesting character. Could be a bit of the plucky, rebellious princess cliche, but I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. After all, I have only read the first chapter involving her...

Toodles,

~GryphonFledglingOfSilverWings

Thanks for posting-- I was really happy to see the updated chapter, although I'm sure there's still more to come.

I hope everything works out IRL, too. Don't worry about finishing until it's the right time. :)

I have to say, the first line was my favorite. It really makes you wonder what the story is going to be about, who the two characters are and what their relationship is. Great stuff... Kudos to you.

I liked this thus far... It was short, but powerful. The sentences were long, but they were beautiful. Often long sentences are pretty poorly linked together. But these conveyed a short of tranquility, but also with an underlying threat. Anger and action are often written in short, choppy sentences. This is so calm and yet eerie.

Am compelled to continue reading...

~GryphonFledglingOfSilverWings

Intriguing prologue. Good job on catching the reader's attention. That's a great skill to have.

~Twilight Starr~

Please continue posting your story-- it's really good. It reads as if I picked it up from the library and took it home to enjoy. Actually, I find this more interesting than some actual published books I've read, so kudos to you. :D

Hope you'll find time to update soon. ^_^

Wow...this is extremely well written. It always surprises me when I find works of fiction, especially online, that I enjoy reading or that even captivate me at all, but this, Aithril, is one of those lovely surprises. The last two lines leave me with questions, and of course the aching desire to just click on the next chapter before reviewing...a testament to your capability. So far, I love it.

~Cheers to a wonderful Prologue~

Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Hero...

I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic.

I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.

If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgement and remain to complete my training.

If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills.

I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if someone learns my secret identity.



Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to phrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.

Oh I have to say that Lucas is so cute in this chapter he's so modest, and the way gorges himself of Alexandira's pastries kept a smile on my face.

I'm really in love with this story, but I do have one suggestion for the rewrite. Maybe try to develop the setting and milieu more. Add a few more minor charaters like the ally bum. Tell me about all the kinds of people who live in Alexandira's world. I think this would greatly flesh out your story.

Much love from the Bug :)

--“Could you not let that last pastry lie?” [I would have smacked him.]

--Ack! Sebastian is sounding more and more like a Gary-Stu (male version of Mary-Sue, or the perfect character). I mean, he's pretty, he's smart, he's nice, he's strong... give him more than one fault, girl!

--Helki the Snake. Seems fitting. Although, I agree with that Llcorp person. It seems kind of forced that the antagonist is evil.

--Claudius sounds selfish, and like he would do anything to save his own skin. Oh, but don't worry. I love him :] It's realistic, to want to live, no matter the cost.

--Sebastian moves on from his father's death too quickly. He JUST found out. Yeah, he may not like the guy, but still. This is the man who raised him, mind you. There would be more grieving, even if he HATED the man.

--I also found that the death came quickly. Out of nowhere, Claudius brings up his father's death. He doesn't flinch, sound disheartened or anything upon the news, either. He may have known before, but... well, it's not even been 24 hours. Even if he manages to not cry (which I'd never be able to do in that situation), he would at least be... well, depressed.

--“And sometimes I think your beak would look handsomer if it were glued shut.” [Ahaa... lovely change of mood there. And... er... lovely comment XD

--Haha. Helki's a MOM XD

--I APPRECIATE THE TITLE OF THIS CHAPTER, AND WAS NOT TOLD TO SAY SO.

Harr.

-Lovely. Just becoming more and more lovely. Agitating the antagonist who currently has your charge more or less in his power is stupid. Just stupid. Ever heard news report of hostage situations? Notice how the police negotiators seem to get more and more worried the more ** off the terrorist becomes?

Killing an ordinary human like Alexendria really isn't that hard. It doesn't require grand, diabolical schemes (which are a very clear sign of a Stupid Villian, yet again. The whole business with the kidnapping last chapter? A complete farce.) Some arsenic or other poison into a spiced dish. A dagger in the back while she walks into the marketplace. A crossbow bolt from the window. There are a hundred billion subtle ways to kill someone- I read a little way ahead and the whole thing has me groaning.

-"Her eyes filled...happened to hers?"

Firstly, I cannot even begin to describe how horribly trite this is. Secondly, it shows my that Alexendria's a self-centered ** that couldn't care less for her country and the people inside it, so long as her own personal comfort comes first. A great quality to endear a character to your readers.

-"That was more his style than pure takeover. He was very much like a cat, taunting and torturing the poor vermin it had caught until the creature finally died."

You're trying to shoot down that ** character empathy again. Now I'm actually cheering for Byron out of sheer contrariness. Good on you.

Oh sabastian has a twin brother, more hot royalty to go around.(though he's kind of an **:)

Helki is Bryson' mother. Ha. He seriously fits the moma's boy role. Love it.

I really liked the description of the bum in the ally, bringing bystanded characters to such vivid life, in my opinion, really gives fiction a believably rich, element.

Like the Lucas/Guilino dynamic.

This is all getting so exciting, can't wait for the next chapter. Post soon! (Sanps off the leg of a chair with an intent to intimidate.):D

Wow... a great beginning! It brings up so many questions that are immediately hooking~ ^^ Like what she has done to deserve such a punishment and have her soul split, and who Daniel is, etc etc

I liked it a lot, I'll have to read the rest as soon as I find the time again! ^^