I enjoy your atmosphere, but I can't really get into the plot. I think it's partially personal preference - I'm not into stories that rely heavily on real people.

Livi

Review Revolution

Cute and all, but what happened to Chuck?

hm... i kind of wonder where you're going with this. obviously wentworth and zenha have a lot of history that you alluded to... but i wonder where you'll go from here...?

there were a few awkward sentences here and there: "trying to block out the pain just standing brought" - i know what you want to say, but it was a little awkward sounding... i don't know how you would re-word it, but just to point it out...

although i can see that the past is rather important (thus the title and the whole chapter dedicated to it) i would like a bit more of a vivid scene... perhaps you could have "flashed back" to college? maybe not.

i liked the ocean of self pity part... great description there. :)

anyway, good job so far, though the plot hasn't advanced very much. i'm sure you'll get to that soon... :) keep writing!

-Lefty

“The day your father died, I had gone home. I hadn’t planned on going home" That sounds a little repetitive. You could just say "I hadn't planned on it," or something like that.

Honestly, I don't really like how Wentworth talks very much. “I decided to stay the night as it had gotten late and I was tired." As? Maybe it's just a character quirk, in which case, that's fine, but most people would just say "night, it" or "night, because it" or "night, since it." He also uses the words 'myriad' and 'seethed' in normal conversation.

"I called everyday" Shouldn't you have a space there? I'm no expert, but I think it should be "every day."

Overall, though, I do like it. Zenha's doubts about what her future would have been like if she'd made different choices are perfectly portrayed. I feel sorry for Wentworth, and how Zenha wouldn't listen to him, or let him explain.

It's a great story. I would like it if you explained who Gillian and Leigh are in the text.

Other than that, I really like it. I might not have time to read the rest today, but I do want to finish.

i know you want people to review later chapters, but i wanted to review this one first... (since it's the first chapter and all.)

i have mixed feelings.

i want to tell you that you didn't advance the plot at all, but for some reason, i really like this first chapter. i feel like it's fitting, and so i'll say... good job! :)

there were a number of sentences where you missed a few commas; it's not that big of a deal, but if you ever decide to re-read some of the chapters, look out for sentences that are hard to understand at first.

also, in the third sentence, you have her thinking something without putting the thought in quotes or italics - it made the sentence a bit confusing.

although i like how you push the chapter along with lots of things happening quickly (ie... when she's running) i would suggest breaking up the massive paragraph in the middle because... well, mainly because it's hard for a reader to focus on a lengthy paragraph on a computer screen. :)

as a first chapter, it definitely catches the interest, even though barely anything has happened. i already like wentworth and zenha, even though i barely know anything about them. good job so far!

-Lefty

Hehehe. Thanks muchas for the little acknowledgement at the top (even though it probably fed my over-large ego a bit more than is good for me).

Zenha-- I like that name.

Well, I hope you like constructive critisism, because sometimes I can't really help myself. Sorry, if you don't like it! Just ignore everything except for probably the last paragraph.

'...a cool rain would wash away her sins.' What sins? Later, she thinks that she didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps 'worries' or 'memories' or 'a cool rain would refresh her from all things past' (if that sentence even makes sense).

'Work had finally come to a head and she had been fired and her only solace had left her.' This is a good sentence, but it doesn't really HIT you like it could. Like, maybe 'Work had finally come to a head, she'd been fired, and THEN, just to top it all off, her only solace had left her.'

The part with the spiderweb sent little shivers down my back. Also, really good job with the panic scene when the 'unknown thing' grabs hold of her. Even though I knew from the other one that it was a man, I still felt her panic. I'm wondering now whether Wentworth (fun name) was he old boyfriend or an old friend, or what? Nicely written, Wenty seems like a good guy.

is this the one i'm supposed to read?

i smell drama!

It's good, dear. I really like it and I can't wait to read more.