Reviews for Moment of Silence

Reviews For: Moment of Silence

TheUnknownMarauder 2007-04-25 ch 1,	abuseThere are some very beautiful phrases in this poem. Your use of alliteration in the phrase 'forever's fading fast' is very powerful, and undoubtedly one of the best moments in the poem. I also liked the repeated 'please' in lines 1, 6, 11 and 23, which connects the entire piece together. However, there are just a few points I would like to address: 1. Your use of punctuation and line breaks is abdominable. The full stop at the end of line two is quite unwarranted. Try to keep your lines all roughly the same length, unless you make a line longer and shorter for emphasis. This makes it flow smoother, and also has more effect if you change the length of a line. For example: Line 5 could easily be split onto two roughly uniform ones: "So as to give me five more years/with the most beautiful person in the world." Don't be afraid of using enjambment. And please, please, PLEASE put apostrophes in where they are needed. 2. Your ideas are often very disjointed and vague. Lines 1-4 claim to be somehow connected to Line 5, and yet it is not a connection that the mind makes easily. Keep in mind that 'floaty' and 'disconnected with the rest of the world' does not necessarily mean 'vague.' 3. Colloquial language (like the word 'pal' in line 4) mixed with an attempt at drama and angst is very hard to handle. It is nearly impossible to handle correctly. If it is not, it merely comes out as being melodramatic and - well - over the top. Personifying 'forever' is all very well and good, but here it seems rather heavy-handed and clumsy. The second 'please' in line 23 is too repetitive. 4. Sadness. It seems to me that this is the primary emotion you wish this poem to show, along with bitterness and regret. However, it's gotten lost in cyberspace, somewhere between your screen and mine, because it's not showing up here. I fault the first two lines. I fault the opening. The opening should set up the mood for the rest of the piece, but starting out with badly punctuated grovelling is hardly going to make the reader empathise. 5. Remember, repeated references to death because of a severed friendship or relationship makes the entire thing a bit over the top. 6. The thing about a poem, miraculously, is that it's supposed to be POETIC. Fragmented sentences can be put to very good use here, if they're used properly. Using verse, rhyme, and meter will also help. If you're looking for a work of mine to flame, I don't believe I've posted anything under this account. Of course, if you really want, I can give you something of mine to read. I would dearly love to have someone point out where I've gone wrong. (Falling-Sakura doesn't count, she'll give anyone constructive criticism besides me.) Yours cordially, ~TheUnknownMarauder
deadrosepetals 2007-04-24 ch 1,	abuseAw, I think you do your best work when you are kinda sad and depressed.
je suis une pomme du terre. 2007-04-24 ch 1,	abuseUwahh T.T Dammit :( I like the poem but its message is sad and makes me wanna cry!! Oh, oh, but I gots something for chu ^.^ holds out big bag of blue m&ms I know they're no substitute but they'll get the endorphins up and running! :P Oh and yeah I like the alliteration with forevers fading fast just like that other girly said ^.^ Keep up the good work!
life on rewind 2007-04-24 ch 1,	abuseWell, this is certainly a poem that gets across how you feel, however, I have a few little points for you. Vive la critique: 1. Sorry if you wish to kill me, but nothing in this poem really strikes me as being very poetic. You do not use meter, rhyme or enjambment. While you do get the idea across, it is not done very eloquently and you could experiment with use of bold, italics, punctuation, meter and rhyme. 2. You seem to intend this poem to be very angsty and sad, however, I do not get a feeling of sadness throughout the poem. The use of similies and metaphors could be added, or the use of punctuation - not every line has to end with a comma or a full stop. 3.Your use of wording is often vague and doesn't explain or make us feel how you wish us to. 4. *we're - don't forget the apostrophe =) 5. I loved your use of alliteration in the phrase "forever's fading fast" - you could consider more alliteration throughout the piece. Thank you for posting this poem, and I'm sure you will get your desired 750 reviews. If you're offended by this, remember that while it might not be pleasant, concrit is a necessary step towards improving your writing and I have your best interests at heart. I'm also a fourteen year old, so what do I know? Sakura

Return to Top