So far, Kelnianne (imagine that the little dashy thing is there...) Is a pretty fun character. She's naive, and sometimes seems a little young for her age, and she can be pretty annoying at times. Which is why I can't wait to see you torture her, break her soul, and reshape her into someone who is at the least interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next in the story, because it seems that Kel is up for some serious dissilusioning... I'm sure it will be wonderful. I hope your inspiration floods you again.

Great story so far. I love the characters and the way you give them a sense of purpose. I hope to see more of this story soon :)

~carm~

Harr.

You annoy me.

-First off, nothing new has *ever* been done with this plotline since the dawn of fiesty-GRL sad-stories. Already I can tell the general outline of the whole damn plot and while there might be one or two halfhearted "twists", all too often they never change the inevitable outcome.

-Remember that, however “enlightened” your characters are, they don’t need to match the audience in all the particulars. Again with the simple and obvious: Your character might live in a gender-equal society where women have no vote, because no one has a vote, since it’s not a democracy. Or there might be a society where premarital sex is fine as long as it’s homosexual or doesn’t result in children, but if you get pregnant or get someone else pregnant, you had better get married right away and fast, since children are believed to need their true birth parents. Or there might be an educational system in which children we would call “gifted” are never held back, but their “average” peers don’t get the education they need, because they’re left to keep up or fall by the wayside.

I think this is the best solution for not creating worlds that are full of main characters who appear to have been transplanted from New York City this month and let fall into the middle of a world full of minor characters who all grew up in England two centuries ago (or perhaps were culled from the author’s memories of high school bullies). Write someone who’s a believable racist or sexist? Might be impossible, might make your audience really freaking uncomfortable even if it is possible, at least if they’re supposed to cheer for these people. (At the same time, it’s often possible to write someone prejudiced in favor of smart or beautiful people, and this is, somehow, perfectly acceptable). Create people who might have beliefs on the same wavelength but are not clones of Western twenty-first-century humans? Perfectly possible.

Like I said, very simple. Very plain. Very easy to get lost in the morass when the author wants to make a society wrong except for the protagonist, who has conveniently escaped infection by all the “evil” around him or her. The poster child for this is probably Salvatore’s Drizzt Do’Urden, who grew up in a society of murderous, torturing, matriarchal dark elves, and yet emerged believing that both murder and torture were wrong and having no problem regarding himself as the equal of females. It’s hinted that his father and sister had similar beliefs at one point, but his father surrendered to the pressure of the society around them and his sister let them fade away completely. Drizzt just happens to be different, so he can be a hero.

Stop it, please. Know what the dominant attitudes are in your society, by all means, and make your protagonist an exception to them if you want to. But at least know the reasons he’s an exception. And a variation on those attitudes, rather than having him believe the complete opposite of them—especially when those completely opposite beliefs just happen to coincide with what the audience is likely to value—would require less suspension of disbelief, and would probably make a more interesting story.

Which is why I have problems with wom-heck, they don't even deserve to be called women- females ** and whining about how they don't want to get married/want to be a warrior/want to topple the Evil Patriarchal System/blah blah blah more crap when all their lives they've been raised to and surrounded by these expectations. Nope. They're just SPESHUL for no real reason, and annoying, which brings us to our next point:

-Kelnianne is shaping up to be a complete narcassistic brat. She only thinks of herself and her desires, hardly caring to spare a thought for the people around her. Well, who cares about the feelings of her father? Who cares about the feelings of the man who's expecting to take her as a wife? Who cares about what the hell happens to her family and what happens to them next? The father and prospective bridegroom are only Evil Patricarchal Idiots to fill up the roles set down by the author. The family, well, they're unimportant. All are but mere shells and satellites of the protagonist, with no live of their own.

"She was going to be a warrior, and she was going to battle, as she’d been dreaming of since she was small." Lovely, very romantic view of battles, hm? Hell, you don't even need to see the real thing-just go and see a re-enactment and shatter your rose-coloured glasses.

So, she's a selfish, impetuous brat who stupidly and blindly rushes headalong into things, not caring who she hurts, either physically or emotionally, and lusts for blood. Lovely way to endear her to me, dear.

-Ah, yes. Evidently, you've never ** picked up a sword before, let along know how they're normally displayed or even handled.

Sticking your weapon into the earth is dumb. Encourages corrosion, especially if it's boggy land which is more often than not acidic. Has no scabbard-how is she going to carry it around? She can't hold it in her hand or anything. No personal effects, no money, no food, no water, no whetstone and oil to maintain her weapon, no change of clothes, NOTHING AT ALL.

It's at times like this when the author behind the curtain pulling the little strings becomes so evident that all suspension of disbelief snaps clean away.

Hm... well, I love Kelni so far. The scenario seemed at first to be a cliche, but once I started reading I realized that it wasn't, it was just a classic. This story, so far, is compelling, richly written with plenty of character depth. The scene is set, I can see it clearly. I wish there was more to the chapter, though. You have spoiled me with 10k chapters... I can't wait for more! Kelni's character is well written, I care what happens to her! Congrats on another great story, Otara!