So, I finally got a chance to read it (I know, I'm a slacker, shoot me). You've got something good going here, it's an impressive start. I could really use some more background on Cinderflame and Stock, how they became friends and why they're so close, stuff like that. I'd also like to see how Cinderflame found that back room in the first place and his thoughts on it, instead of just Stock's. And the accident, I want to see the accident.

The third chapter was really confusing, but I think that's because it was different sections, and fictionpress is rather terrible at dividing those. There's a line in quick editor, next to the bold, underline and italic things that can be used to divide it. I think that would make that chapter a lot less confusing.

All in all, a good start, you just need to elaborate on a few things.