Let's say that this poem isn't necessarily one of your best. It may be a good one but it lacked something in it. I kinda liked Yca's version better. Sorry...

I actually sort of like this one better. Your style is fine, even though you stopped rhyming, it sounded fine. Your transitions were good and I think that this...would also sound great as a short story. You have the ability to use your poems to write stories, more so than I've seen.
Most people, like myself, would screw up the poem or the story if we tried to lengthen it to a short story or shorten it to a poem. But you can do that fantastically, which is one of your stronger points.

i can relate to this poem so much, great job!