Another great chapter. I like how you've made Han this angsty, ungrateful, frustrated teenager-type (I'm assuming he's a teenager, although I don't believe you actually give away his age in this chap), but even still, he's likeable--dry sense of humor and all. He's very authentic, down to his off-handed comment that he wouldn't mind catching his death.

There was one part of this chapter that I found kind of strange, and that's the scene where Han meets Zoff and John the monkey. This scene was interesting and humorous: "How lucky could it have been? The poor thing’s dead!" However, while Zoff is looking for another trinket to impress Han, Han just leaves and there's no more mention of Zoff. Will this scene have some importance later on? As it is, it just seemed bizarre that you would take so much time to describe this strange occurance, and then han just walks away . . .


I absolutely loved this passage:
"The threatening skies began to relieve themselves of their burden, and the last of the vessels were beginning to wash ashore, straying on the beaches below. In a sudden, brutal thrust, an enormous wave crashed against the seawall, pitching a fishing vessel onto the street where half-drowned villagers were screaming and running in all directions like a colony of ants."

Deliciously descriptive.

This is a fabulous start! You dive right into the story with action and peril, introduing these girls from inside the frying pan and following them as they go directly the fire! The opening paragraph is a great attention grabber, and you maintain a wonderful pace throughout the entire chapter.

You've got a great writing style that feels unique and authentic. You have your own style and you stick to it. Really nice. One thing in particular that I think you did a great job with was keeping track of so many nameless characters, like "spider-man" and "Man-number-one" when the girls are on the boat with the kidnappers.

I think in general, your writing is very strong, however, I do think that you have a tendency to make things too "passive" every now and again. I have a few very minor suggestions that I think could help streamline some of the passages.

"Throat sore from screaming (possibly also from the amount of seawater that had flown in as a consequence), the younger of the two rasped [...]"

Great description and wording, however, I think it would be stronger if you leave out the "possibly". Just say her throat was sore from screaming and seawater. You're the writer, you can make that decision. I would edit the sentence to something like: "Throat sore from screaming and the seawater that had flown in as a consequence, the younger of the two rasped [...]"

And this passage: "While that sort of thing was not too terribly unthinkable as far as war goes [...]". VERY passive. This makes you, as the writer, sound kind of wishy-washy, like you're unsure of what you're trying to say. Just say "that sort of thing was not unthinkable".

This passage: "was not the way to go about peaceful… relations." I would leave out the elipses. I pass on this peice of advice as it was given to me (appently I have a tendency to overuse them). Pretty much, I think the pause is unnessary in the sentence, and that it's a solid sentence with out.

One last comment: "Their father, whom they both feared among the slain, had led a fleet of soldiers into battle". Again, GREAT wording, BUT I think this sentence is missing a word. I think it needs to read: "Their father, whom they both feared WAS among the slain [...]". When you say "their father, whom they both feared among the slain", the missing verb makes it sound like when the girls are among the slain, they fear their father . . . instead of they feared their father WAS among the slain. That make sense?

Anywho, I hope I didn't sound like I was nitpicking too much. As I said, I think this is really excellent, and any of the suggestions I made are so minor and only because I think this has really great potential.

I can't believe this has no reviews yet. What is wrong with people?

I'll definitely be moving on to read the next chapters ;)