Wonderful once again! ^^ i love Ian he's so sweet and caring =3

Oh no! I read the last line and tried to scroll down but hit the bottom of the screen! I was all "Ah!! Oh no!! God damnit!!" And other profanities, along with some girly squeeling mixed in. So I spent the next five minutes re-reading my favorite lines and then scrolling up to find the update date, and I almost cursed again. Then I had an idea. I know my stories are horrible and ugly and remind me of my little cousin trying to draw a hand and ending up drawing six sasuges on a fat wrist. Anyways, that's not the point, but the point is..well, maybe if you liked one of my stories, and we agreed to it, I could update it for you, and you could update this one. It'll be like a trade!! Ah, I don't know. I'm trying to leave the longest damn comment possible in hopes you'll see this story is in need of an update. Just snap your fingers, and I can update that story for you? Pretty please?

Firstly, watch the spelling. About five or so mistakes there.

Secondly, nicities, fangy, and unfortunance aren’t words. Midnight can be labeled as creative license, but that’s not used in the right sense either.

So, the positive aspects first.

You keep a good persona. I find that many people are writing (this happens often to me too), their style jumps around from Dickensian detail to a basic depiction, or some sort of gap in the writing styles. Perhaps it is attributed to this being a fairly short story, but that doesn’t happen.

Also, some of the dialog was well done. Some of it became poor, but on a whole, nice job.

This whole thing is fairly steady. There are a lot of bad things about it, but none of them dominate the story. They all nuances that irritate me, some on higher levels, but none actually make me really dislike this story. It’s all pretty good.

So, bad aspects:

1) Mild character development can be argued, but really, not much changed about the character. As a matter a fact, there is so little development and so much accentuation on sex (and at that, gay, furry fantasy sex) that this is unavoidably labeled as…
2) Erotica. It’s a given that good romance usually has sex, but this dominated the story. If this was a WIP (Work-In-Progress, in case you didn’t know), then at least give some detailing on what will happen later on, or some signal that it will be continued. When so little development occurs, and the sex seems somewhat extricated from the character, and is less heartfelt and more ‘sex’ than it is ‘making love’, if you get my gist. I have nothing against well-written erotica, but FictionPress does, so watch it. Also, without development, it seems to be empty, and, therefore, poor romance/ erotica.
3) Lack of background. Why does your character hate women so? Why does he not speak since his sister’s death?
4) Description. Sometimes good, usually poor (e.i. fangy, ‘hot’ tears). You can do better. Not to say quote-on-quote ‘big words’ are needed for description, but it appears lacking. I don’t get much imagery. Or any, in some cases.

Overall, the whole things lacks on everything. Too much sex, too little everything else. Not something to trash, but add an work on it. It ended and I was just, sort of like, what? What happens? Where does it go? Where is the dilemma? Where is the denouement? Development? If this was a WIP, hold off on it until those structural necessities are added.

Don’t stop, but edit seriously. I’ve seen worse, but I’ve definitely seen better.