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| Squidy 2007-11-07 ch 1,  | abuseVICTORY IS LISSA'S!! Okay, you know me. I always have something to say, right? So here we go...for the first chapter anyway. So. Dialogue=GORGEOUS. Not kidding. It's amazingly realistic, and not just because half of it SCREAMS tribe ;D. Paragraphs=not so much. They're great, don't get me wrong here. I love your word-choice and such, but try to get the sentences themselves to flow with each other more. There are a few choppy bits. I still think the first sex scene is random, but it makes me smile, so don't change it. So yeah. Oh. And I was wondering while I read it...so...I don't know. Wouldn't Mariah's sexuality crisis and the fact that she believes she's straight interfere with kissing Mandria in the first place? I don't know. It was strange. PS I was definitely listening to "Unwanted" by Kill Hannah when I read the party scene and it was AWESOME. So when I steal the rights to this and make it a movie, I want that playing in the background for some of it. :D |
| Gogoh 2007-06-26 ch 9, | abuseI had so much fun reading it! I actually fell in love with Erik and Dan! I don't know how I should look for flaws...the fic's so amasing! I wonder if you're into dark romantic tales...if you are, will you read my fic "Night-In-Gale" and review? I would appreciate the review. And I totally loved your story! |