this is good

The conversations are a little difficult to follow. If you give each speaker a new paragraph, I think that might clear up some of the confusion.

I noticed one of your other reviewers from another piece commented on story flow. I think there's something off about this one too. Maybe if you work on showing more than telling, the story would seem less disjoint. (Ex. "I got dressed and ready." Be more specific-what did he do? Put on a jacket, combed his hair?)

The language needs to be cleaned up too (missing words, missing punctuation, awkward word choice) but overall, it's understandable. All the 'sweeties' and 'babys' get kind of excessive as well as all the random mentions of them kissing. I mean, romance is great but again, I think you need to show more instead of telling. Why does Max like Megan?

The plot line is adorable and I think this could be an "aw" inducing story if you work on the language a little more.