Reviews for She Walks in Beauty

Reviews For: She Walks in Beauty - Reviews: Page 1 of 9

Vivian J. Edwards 2008-08-13 ch 29,	abusei really love this story, please update soon!
Aquilarealm 2008-07-17 ch 26,	abuseDrat…it seems my suspicions were wrong and it WAS Hades and not some creature in disguise. How horrible for me… Though, I will say that chapter 25 is exploding with possiblities...say for instance Hades finds her while going to visit Cereberus one day or that he rescues her...their relationship deepens, does it not? But, it's just a suggestion, whatever you choose is your choice. At first, I didn’t see how the saying at the top fit with the story, but after reading it a third time i realized the "the heart asks pleasure first" applies to Hades and Persephone being reunited, then "excuse from pain" could be applied to Persephone retelling what happened during her encounter with Discord, and the "liberty to die," i suppose would apply to Discord herself. "sleep" i'm not quite sure what this applies to, unless you're referring to the pain husband and wife were put through. You started off nicely for this chapter, but i almost threw my lunch at the screen when the time came for Persephone to tell Hades about her encounter with Discord. The transition was not very smooth and I was utterly confused whether Hades had turned into Acantha or (back to my suspicion) everything was false. only toward the end of this recollection did i realize this was the scene that was missing while Persephone brooded in the woods in one of the earlier chapter. the timing is very odd because you choose to insert that section in this chapter, but it would be lacking if you had decided to continue it right after their first meeting. Try working on the transition, make it smoother so it doesn't confuse the readers, you can do this by shedding light slowly instead of quickly like when you write "I stood up, but wished I hadn't..." The very same flower Persephone plucked to summon Hades is a nice touch (and so brutal). The end of this recollection where the spring goddess peers at her husband, in this section the transition from past to present was much more fluid and flowed well. Even better, you choose not to tell the readers what Discord had said to Hades. (i'm anxious to know what). I am perplexed by several things. If Hades can materialize, why doesn't Persephone materialize next to him? she's divine, shouldn't she be able to? the next question i have in mind, Can Hades do that? DRAG a goddess down to the underworld and judge her? that's a very interesting concept you have going on! Now, to Discord. Even though she was badly beaten, I felt absolutely no pity towards her. Was it your intention for the readers not to feel pity even though you described her covered in the most foul of appearances? (by the way, Hades is wonderful angry, particularly when he can actually put someone so evil into a sack and carry it like a feather. the two thrones were a nice touch too, i personally would have liked you to describe them to me. but it's good you didn't include it in this chapter). Finally, finally, who is this saying from? (remember to credit the originator(s)).
Aquilarealm 2008-07-17 ch 25,	abuseWell, I certainly can’t blame the rest of your fans if they say ‘Bravo, Bravo, I want more, It’s so great, Love it, Where the heck are you with an update?!” If it is possible, I think this section was even better written than the previous chapter. Persephone’s voice is surer and less wavering now that she’s to see Hades. (It’s amazing how she goes straight to him without any thought that she’ll not see her mother for 6 months). You got straight into the action, the first line in itself “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea” propels the readers onward. One of my favorite lines “Despair was setting in. Now the quiet wasn’t peaceful, it was tense and anxious, waiting for something to suddenly spring out.” This line captures my attention more because Despair is an interesting subject and I’m so fond of that topic that I’ve used it similarly to how you’ve used it here—as a live creature. I remember in my Classical Studies course, the Professor gave us a map of the underworld. I don’t have it on me but I distinctly remember that all the Harpies, Furies, Titans etc were on one side of the Underworld…before the Elysian Fields? But this approach you used was a very good method for introducing the Titans and other Greek Characters. There is something very eerie about her encounter with Hades in the part of the Underworld that happens to be called False Dreams. I was thoroughly absorbed (and blushing furiously, might I add) in the interaction between Hades and Persephone that I bought into it until she whispered to him “this can’t be real,” to which Hades (or his copy) replies “why not?” and invites her “down”…possibly into his…er…its lair. As a reader, my red face and smile vanished immediately and my eyes widened and jaw dropped as I stopped to think…what would Hades be doing there? The saying at the top speaks of truth and ‘by her eyes’…is Persephone seeing what she wants to and is truth what’s missing? I also wondered how Persephone could even stand let alone talk after crashing her way down a craggy hill without wincing in pain as she kissed Hades. She’s a goddess, but I’m sure she would be aching and bruised. An incorporation of this pain (and Hades concern even) would be an even stronger feel to this section. (The black fire was a very nice touch and the fact that it felt cold). I will see if my suspicions are correct in the next chapter (and whether my imagination has stretched even further). Amazing read.
Aquilarealm 2008-07-17 ch 24,	abuseOh Bravo! (I will try to be short and to the point). This section was not very long but so many things were taking place. Because it was not long, I found it more enjoyable than the previous chapter. For the first paragraph, try a different word choice than hope. The first time, you write, “I had begun to lose hope” and it fits but the second time, instead of saying “where I had hoped there would be peace,” try something like “where I longed for peace,” or a different word of your choice. Making a drunken Hermes spill the truth to Persephone is clever and a funny scene as he splashes the marble with nectar. I realized you stuck with Demeter when Persephone talks to herself but when she speaks aloud, she calls her mother. It’s good you kept it this way, but I was astonished that she would force her mother to tell her in front of everyone (even though they all knew). This added tension because the feuding set was the center of attention. (If you’ve read Oedipus, he makes his promise public and cannot take it back. The same thing here when Persephone declares her love for Hadesmore shocking to make it public). Even more astonishing, it was Zeus who had to tell Persephone rather than her own mother and the fact that Aphrodite came to Persephone’s defense made it even more enjoyable than the reader’s first encounter with Love. There were several few grammatical errors, to which I won’t get into, (it’s not as important as the overall work). It’s an interesting view to see how horrible everyone thinks of Hades, Demeter herself called him ‘filthy’ and referred to her daughter as being possibly ‘damaged.’ This is what makes it so shocking for her to accept that her daughter has fallen in love with the ‘filth.’ The fact that you made the time midnight seems very Cinderella-like, only she’s going toward her love rather than running away from him…yet at the same time she’s leaving another love behind; her mother. (As you can see, I’m analyzing right now). My only complaint (apart from having Persephone say “see” before she starts to say something as seen in chapter 22) is that while the readers can see the other gods and goddesses, they are obscured because there is no indication of what they are wearing. The readers know what Demeter and Persephone are wearing, but they are clueless when it comes to the other gods and goddesses. For example, what is Zeus wearing? Or Hermes? Or Apollo and Aphrodite and Aries? I did enjoy your making Aphrodite bicker with Demeter and called her a hag. It added such character to her than the usual lovely divine we are generally associated with her. As usual, lovely saying.
Aquilarealm 2008-07-16 ch 23,	abuseIt seems Frost's sayings go along with the story well, doesn't it? Just a suggestion, but you can use lyrics too, there are some wonderful lines out there that'll suit this story. It's hard to believe that someone spends almost the entire day looking for the 'perfect' dress, though it was not at all suprising that Persephone would choose a darker color than the spring time dresses belonging to her mother. I almost imagined it was Hades who left the dress for her. You did a good job creating anxiety and tension (or the building up of it) between Persephone and her mother, the reader's can see this not only from Persephone's suspicions and the shift from Demeter's usual behavior, but from the way she cackled like a mad woman. I thought that was a very nice image to see (Persephone) and Demeter in total disarray something i wouldn't have imagained for two goddesses, (esp. when the daughter began trying on the dresses and the mother fighting to withold letting Persephone know about the bargain etc,). The idea that the divine never being disheveled is thus refuted. Also interesting, the shift from the spring goddess calling "Mother" to "Demeter." this could be taken two ways...one, a mistake on the part of the author (even the best of authors become lazy) or you did it intentionally, to which i will give you the same advice my professor gave me, (if you're going to switch between 'mother' and 'demeter' do so throughout). if i recall correctly, i think you did mention the spring goddess calling her mother 'demeter' in some of the earlier chapters. i was astonished at the interplay between the two of women as they searched for the perfect gown. for instance, take a real mother and daughter looking for a suitable dress for, say, a prom. whatever the daughter chooses (most likely something revealing), the mother will object and bickering ensues. therefore, it was suprising to see how calm demeter was about helping persephone, (aside from the fact that she's overly protective and want to make her happy etc). excellent job incorporating what the young demeter was probably like. the extravagant dresses did the job nicely...not too much but just enough. (personally, i would have liked to see what she was really like, not just glimpses, such as when zeus raped her). you've got a knack for describing clothes and furniture and even dreams (all surreal/beautiful things) very well. the library, the dresses, the bedroom in the underworld, all of these you did so well. i daresay, i am totally clueless when it comes to describing clothes, architecture and even furniture. i look up the terms in books and on the internet just to get a jist of what is what. you describe these things very well, (perhaps you can give me some tips, i'd much appreciate it). "medium empire waist" for example, i've never even heard of that until now. the bows were a nice touch too. but i admitt, i was confused at the choice of gray with black, until i realized you were describing the bodice. of this entire page, the paragraph that begins "Her eyes reflected a similar pretty-but-not-for-me look" was most engrossing. you've got the distance between demeter and persephone dead on, the longing for Nyx and you have the spring goddess trying to do things on her own...symbolic for a separation to come...oh,but wait, she still wants her mother's approval, which means she's still tied to mom. (i could be reading in too much as usual). i won't get ito the imagery of the party, because it was very detailed...though i was confused about the mirrored glass falling, not sure what it meant or it's purpose (to look pretty/momentarily blind us before seeing beyond?) continuing on...Aphrodite! nice job on incorporating the affair between ares and Love. if i hadn't known that, i would surely have gotten it from this section. Aphrodite is an interesting character (you will see my version of her over the weekend) in that she's represented as this trouble-maker (ex. the Illiad) and also as this caring goddess (ex. the Aneid). the way she walks around persephone sensing that she had been with hades and the "“Oh darling,” her voice was dripping with sugar sweet empathy" made me dislike her immediately. she's obviously stirring up trouble for what's to come, and there you have your foreshadowing. You leave your fans wanting more (something all authors should do), but yo don't give us enough to determine who it is she's speaking to...i understand you don't want to give it away, but a blurry tip might calm the readers, (don't reveal too much). the last thing before i leave, is Zeus's speec...if it can be called that. it would be much better to have Zeus say a few lines as to why everyone was gathered. the readers know it's to honor persephone, but a little more from the ruler, other than let the party begin, will make him seem less of a drunk and a teeny-tiny bit a ...er...important person (aside from his anger and thunderbolts etc.). it was a long read, but i'm sure this review will be even longer to read. until the next chapter, ciao.
Aquilarealm 2008-07-15 ch 22,	abuseOh! It’s been ages! I’ll probably be writing about things that your more loyal fans have already brought up (I’ll leave out punctuation), but here goes. First off, lovely saying (as usual). I thought it fit rather well with Persephone’s feelings; her working extremely hard to not think of Hades…yet still her “agitated heart” yearns for him…which we can clearly see from the way she counts how long they’ve been apart and her dream. The beginning section, where leaves unfurl and the wind beckons young flowers, while it is a nice image, it would be better to write it in the present tense. I understand that it’s in the past tense to show time passing by, but for some reason I pictured Persephone standing with the sky, earth and a tree behind her, and while the wind blows her hair, the sky changes so that the sun sinks and rises, the leaves on the tree push its way out and the earth grows grass…yet Persephone hasn’t changed. If anything she’s getting exhausted and unhappy, her eyes are glazed and contrasts from the blossoming background because she’s the only one paling and dwindling away…(maybe I’m just reading too much into it). The second paragraph (the weariness in the steps and voice had a particularly human feel to it that everyone can relate to) and third paragraph were very well done; it gave the readers such a good idea as to how she felt and what she did while she felt that way. The only thing that threw me off is the line “see, that’s why I kept those out,” which isn’t necessary because the readers can see it without her telling us that. Speaking of that line, it felt a bit odd because it was as if Persephone were telling her story to an audience, more importantly…she is aware that she’s doing so. If I remember correctly, the previous chapters were done almost as if Persephone were keeping a journal, but she wasn’t aware that she was telling her story to an audience. Moving on, the going back to the “five months and twenty-eight days…” was a nice ending touch. And now to Demeter…it was a well done beginning section to include Hermes and incorporating a small change in the paragraph, such as Hermes staying because of Persephone to not doing so anymore because she’s Hade’s woman, and to have Demeter realized this small change develops the characters and what they think like. Her reaction upon reading the invitation was not at all surprising and that brought me back to Demeter’s character, even though I last read about her 07. This is good because it shows that Demeter’s character is fixed and not wandering all over the place, yet at the same time characters shouldn’t be predictable, depending on the situation. This is true for Zeus, but he seems extra sarcastic and extra human-like when talking to Demeter. The “unless you suddenly become ruler of the Gods…” and the “don’t get you panties in a twist” made him especially human like. (I had the urge to kick him where it hurts), if an author can get the characters to evoke this urge from the readers, this means that they are engaging the readers and pulling them into the story. (well done). Little elements like the fireball blasted invitation and the revelation of Demeter not telling Persephone of the arrangement made this enjoyable too. Alas, alas, we come to the concluding section of Persephone. Awesomeness…I think you do dreams very well. Everything about that her encounter with Hades atop the veranda to falling off the bench was memorable, even the contrast of Hades against the pale light was burned into my mind. While I like Hades dark, this was a nice side to him, (again, very human-like…but not like any human guy I’ve ever known). Persephone’s reaction to hearing about the party in her honor slapped something into my face. I began to wonder (especially since I can’t recall), whether or not she is still just a child…in her late teens or early twenties. Before that, the matter of age didn’t come to mind, she seemed older. But thinking about it now, I can see there were hints that she’s a young girl, the way she disguises (not very good at it) her feelings from her mother, her longing to be with her love and keeping track of the time…all these things point to youth. You did a good job developing the characters even further. Aside from separating lines so it doesn’t overwhelm the readers, tenses and punctuation, not a bad continuation. I do hope there will be more of discord though…I specifically remember you doing a good job introducing her, then poof…she faded. (Hope all this isn’t too much).
FreakWriterCHM 2008-07-11 ch 29,	abuseOkay, this is definitely the best version of the Hades/Persephone myth I have ever read. Everything is just so perfect that I can't even tell if there's anything wrong... because there is nothing wrong. And yeah, I'm quite new to the site, but I think this is the best story I've read since. And about that extended scene, I wouldn't mind reading it :)
Fragile boxes, paperthin he... 2008-06-21 ch 29, anon.	abuseWow, this has to be the best story of Hades and Persephone I have ever read. Truly one of the best. Though I must say, I am interested in the extended version of chapter 29. Would it be a pain to ask?
Paper boats and plastic kis... 2008-06-14 ch 29, anon.	abuseHey there, I have to say, out of all the fics I have gone through on Hades and Persephone, I would no undoubtedly say yours is one of the better ones I have come across. Continue the good, if not great, work. And I am quite interested on your extended version of chapter 29, if its no trouble at all.
The Writer's Goddess 2008-04-28 ch 29,	abuseexcellent story. I would absolutely love an extended version of this scene.
Carolyn 2008-04-15 ch 29, anon.	abuseGreat story, the story of Hades and Persephone has always fascinated me, and I really like the way you have developed each character, particularly Zeus and Persephone. Some advice would be to watch that things don't get too confusing or complicated, as sometimes I get lost, and have to re-read things a couple times to understand it. But, maybe that is just me. I would love to read an extended version of chapter 29, I love the tension between Hades and Persephone and the games they play with each other! Great work! Carolyn
Call Me Crimson 2008-03-03 ch 29,	abuseI can't wait to see more. I really love your re-telling (?) of this myth. :)
Victoria 2008-03-01 ch 29, anon.	abusethe story was awsome! Hungering for more ike crazy! Pleaze email when when more is compleated!
Victoria 2008-03-01 ch 1, anon.	abuseI love that you copied that poem from Lord Bryon, it definately sets the theme! Beautifull beging! You were descriptive and attention grabbing at the same time. Well done!!:)
Stephanie 2008-02-24 ch 29, anon.	abuseI would love to read more of this scene!

Return to Top