|Reviews for The Truth About McDonald's|
| Cinnia Aine 8/26/09 . chapter 1
I like this one because it is amusing in a morbid way and has good spelling and grammar. But the story is rather short.
| Counting Petals 7/13/09 . chapter 1
I liked this because it was amusing and because McDonald's is such a murky area, anyway, there's a lot you can play around with here.
I wish there'd been a little more, though, because right now it seems a little...short. Like I said, there's a lot to be said about McDonald's, and with this idea you've got here, it would be easy to expand.
-Othello, Review Squad prize review
| simpleplan13 5/26/09 . chapter 1
"over later remains to be seen."... that didn't make sense. Remains to be seen means something will happen later to answer the question. Something like "is not quite clear" might be better.
"The prevailing theory is that if we thought McDonald’s was run by humans and served cows, but it is run by cows, then it must serve humans."... the second part sounds awkward. Maybe "served cows, if it is run by cows, it must serve humans"
I think you should have said in the beginning that this was just a news report or such since I thought it was 100% sure fact and the ending confused me until I reread it a few times. I do like the piece though, it's a really great idea and very unique. It made me laugh.
-Review Marathon April Review Squader Mini
| Julia Wall 4/21/09 . chapter 1
Haha! That was so cute!
| Written 12/26/08 . chapter 1
haha, very cute! I chuckled quite a bit. I love the way it sounds like a real expose style article, and the quote at the end is the best part, because it sounds rather professional to be honest.
I think the only thing that might need work is the flow of the sentences... some are just a bit awkward. while the things you say in the parenthetical notes are funny, they end up making your sentences long and unwieldy. some editing and sentence splitting or something would likely help solve this little issue.
definitely enjoyed this piece!
| Ersa Crayold 11/18/08 . chapter 1
Review Game - Easy Fix
Oh god that was hysterical. I think this is one of the funniest pieces I've seen on FictionPress.
Good Part: Your grammar is very good because I honestly could not find one single error. This made the story flow nicely.
My Suggestion (not necessarily a bad thing): I'm confused about the format for the story. In the summary you describe what the parody is about but not what your trying to imitate with the story. If you were trying to replicate a news paragraph (which is my interpretation of the piece) then maybe you could put some kind of sub-caption at the beginning like: "You've never seen fast food like this before." (Obviously better worded than that.)
Or some other kind of tagline. This way the story doesn't just jump into juicy part of it's story immediately, kind of prepare the audience/readers for the heart of the piece.
Once again this is just my suggestion. _
| dragonflydreamer 8/31/08 . chapter 1
Haha, this is a nice little humor piece. I like how you try to make it all sound so logical. It just increases the humor.
I found the parantheses a bit annoying after a while, because they interrupted your train of thought and were used in excess. But if that's your style then I'm not one to question it.
Great work! :D
| japlover 3/18/08 . chapter 1
Perhaps a cow from chick-fil-A took over.
| Imalefty 3/1/08 . chapter 1
review game! :)
okay, i know that lots of others have reviewed this, but it caught my eye and i just had to read... XD
wow, how do you come up with this stuff? i definitely wouldn't have thought of this conspiracy... ever! XD it's a great conspiracy, though.
your style is quite nice... although it's humor, you write it seriously. it reads like an article in a newspaper. :)
Beau Vine is amazing. :) so good!
there are a few awkward sentences in here, but i believe lucien picked them up already.
i like how you ended it. it's kind of open-ended, but not REALLY... XD anyway, good job on this!
ps: i looked at your profile. "Just another deviation from the norm. Heh heh, I like those! Alton Brown, Good Eats" - YES! :D such a good quote. :)
| LucienofShadow 2/22/08 . chapter 1
"While the workers the general public actually sees are human (or very small cows in clever disguises), the ‘people’ at the top of the company making the decisions are cows."
The parentheses here take all the impact from the rest of the sentence. It gives your readers good reason to suspect that McDonald's is being run by cows before you tell them, which makes the rest of the sentence seem superfluous and messy. I would recommend changing the sentence to read "While the majority of the workers the general public actually sees are human, the 'people' at the top of the company and making the decisions are cows."
I made a few other minor changes, grammatical and otherwise. I added 'the majority' to give some of the same meaning as the parentheses did without giving away information. I added 'and' because the sentence needed a conjunction or a comma there.
"The prevailing theory is that if we thought McDonald’s was run by humans and served cows, but it is run by cows, then it must serve humans." is messy. I'd recommend turning it into an 'if...then' statement. "The prevailing hypothesis is that if when McDonald's was run by humans it served cows, then now that we suspect it is run by cows, we must assume that it serves humans."
You should probably edit my suggestion some, but it makes a bit more sense than what you have.
Lastly "Until then, Burger King’s sales have doubles since this disturbing information was unearthed last week." should have 'have doubled' in the place of 'have doubles.'
| writingxonxwalls 2/21/08 . chapter 1
writingxonxwalls from the review game
ahahahahahahahaha, that was so... genius! How does one come up with a plot like this? It was absolutely hilarious! I loved how you set it up like it was a report on the news. Congrats on a good fic!
Advice? Umm... write some more? Haha, I'm not quite sure I can give you anything to work on with this... Sorry!
Off to read the second one!
| The.Wizard.Pen.Dragon 12/26/07 . chapter 1
I'M NEVER EATING AT MCDONALD'S AGAIN! (And if I ever start breathing again, I'll add this story to my C2. But I'm not making as promises!)
| Amethyst Asheryn 6/5/07 . chapter 1
Eww. That is gross. LOL! I like it! Mr. Beau Vine, that's great too. :)
| American Mouth 5/17/07 . chapter 1
I love it!
| DarkBlysse 5/16/07 . chapter 1
I don't care if it makes me a cannibal-I like my Big Macs!
"Mr. Beau Vine"? Ahahahahahaha! Frikkin sweet, dude. XD
Ah, this was priceless. It was wonderfully written, and I haven't a single critique, really. It sounded just like a newspaper/tabloid article, too. Great work!