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| Atari Tariyama 2007-06-06 ch 1,  | abuse"“Very well. Now that you know you’ve died, Mr. Malakie, I think it’s safe to tell you that you’re death wasn’t an accident.” Malakie thought nothing for a few seconds, his mind, or whatever was left, completely blank. This Dresden’s last comment had taken him by surprise, which was strange because the entire conversation he’d had with Dresden was a shock." In particular, 'This Dresden's last comment had taken him by surprise' is superfluous and almost childish. (no offense) It is painfully obvious that the last comment is what made him pause, and restating it makes it seem as though you think your readers are five year olds. No big deal. But that aside, I read a lot of it, and the story itself has me very interested. But your writing-- well, it just doesn't keep me interested. I guess THIS is what would be considered 'bad' or 'mediocre' writing. The story and everything is good, but the way in which you write is very un-appealing and doesn't hold my interest. I dunno. Maybe it is just me. - Atari |