FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| summerbee 2007-11-21 ch 1,  | abusethis is a really cool poem, most especially for your diction. you use a lot of good adjectives and verbs- things just seem vivid and active, the way you describe them. this- "Gossamer white winged things" - is my favorite line for just that reason. my biggest critique is, I'm not a big fan of the little formatting bits. the lines seem to divide the page too harshly and sort of mess up the flow. plus I have to admit the italicized words and use of "..." a lot sort of threw me off. otherwise, I really love this poem. cool descriptions and a nice, fluid feel to it. great writing :] |
| Twilight Starr 2007-10-03 ch 1, | abuseGreat poem. Good luck with poetry and life. Have an awesome day. :) ~Twilight Starr~ |
| Eos Erigeneia 2007-05-24 ch 1, | abuseVery nice, I really like this. It flows superbly and none of it seems out of place. You've used a mixture of natural, spiritual and man-made things to reflect your own view of beauty, and while often a combination such as this can jar on the tongue and make the poem lose its magic, you've somehow managed to make it ... fit, I can't quite explain why. The poem has a very strong structure and each verse has its own feel to it; for example, the third verse makes me think of a gently flowing river from the use of words such as 'flowing', 'fluent', 'fluid' and 'melding'. There were a couple things that confused me, however. I was unsure as to the purpose of the words in italics. Also, if we take the extract "... Rather invaluable to some ... But amazing to others ..." it is evident that you are using 'invaluable' and 'amazing' as contrasting adjectives. Remember, however, that 'invaluable' does not mean 'not valuable' but on the contrary, 'too valuable to express', rather like 'priceless'. This means, therefore, that the contrast in this instance - if I am right in thinking that was your intent - is somewhat lost. I was intrigued to see that in the phrase "With bits of Dust and moonbeams" - lovely imagery, by the way, although I felt 'bits' was too harsh a word for it - you capitalised the 'd' in 'dust'. Was this an accident or did you do so purposefully, perhaps in the same vein as in Phillip Pullman's 'His Dark Materials' trilogy? Incidentally, I like your usage of the Latin word for beauty. Do you study Latin? There are so few people studying this amazing subject now, I am always on the lookout. Just one more bit of pedanticalness, you may wish to captilise the 'v' in the title 'venustas' as it looks a little sloppy at the moment. Overall then, despite the finicky criticisms, this was a wonderful piece and I hope that you will continue writing. Thank you very much, Eos Erigeneia x |