FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| concerto49 2007-09-15 ch 1,   | Heya, Concerto. Um, felt some of the sentences were too much of a mouthful, and that it was too long - could have been broken up in the sense that they would have served better as multiple sentences instead. It was bit rushed, and needs more details on things (describe/explain them more). Saw mix ups in tense, guess adds to your confusion when you add in recount of the past. Ha, but still. Some of their reactions were rather cool and dramatic. There should be a touch more differentiation between the two characters and their lines of thinking. Anyhow. Cheers. |