Reviews for Aeryan Guardians - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Aeryan Guardians - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Ekuboryu 2008-08-19 ch 15,	abuseWell you held my interest to the extent that I made it to the end without stopping. That must be saying something, right? Sorry to review it all at once... I like the way the action runs, and RC really does seem to think like a fifth grader. I loved the part where he compared the situation to a really hard test, and the fact that it was so hard for him to admit that Sara was smart. It amuses me how Rachel is more concerned about Sara while the boys are worried about the boys. Another fifth grade sentiment. Is it just me or did they start out as fourth graders? I may have been confused. Did it change? I also love the fact that everyone contributed. Especially Danny. The mood of the action is also well done. You manage to make it scary and make it seem like they are in real danger without making it too scary for your intended audience. My only little problems is that there are a few times when I think you mix up your names, refer to one child by another child's name. Also there are a few places where Mrs. Ryden's vocabulary spikes above what I think elementary school students can handle. But she is an English teacher, it's to be expected. Looking forward eagerly to the conclusion!
Joelle Duran 2008-08-19 ch 15,	abuseYAY! Kids to the rescue! Great to see a new chapter and see poor RC's desperate gamble pay off, thanks to Danny. (Though I'm afraid it's been so long since I've read the earlier chapters I no longer remember the other kids' personalities...which is a hint to write faster, ahem! ;) Quite curious to see if this begins the ending of the story or if there are more twists and turns ahead. Thanks for brightening up my lunchbreak!
Ekuboryu 2008-08-18 ch 3,	abuseand as usual, your writing is too good for me to give sensible comments about what needs work. Your description is excellent. You manage to describe exactly what is going on without getting bogged down in the words. There is a flow to your writing that makes it easy to continue. In other news...If I was in 4th grade I would most certainly have a crush on Mr. Ryden. silly grin
Ekuboryu 2008-08-18 ch 1,	abuseAfter a four year hiatus I am back on this site and I decided to look you up. You certainly don't disappoint. This chapter made me smile. RC and Danny's logic seems very typical of the 4th graders I have had the privilege of knowing. With this little glimpse we can see already that Mrs. Ryden is a very interesting character. The dialoge is well done as well, appropriate for the characters and the situation. next chapter here I come...
Joelle Duran 2008-04-30 ch 14,	abuseYet ANOTHER sadistic cliffhanger, you bad person, you! ;) Anyway, great chapter, the action and suspence never flag, and I hope somebody out there grows half a brain and helps the poor guy out. ;) Hard to write a story from a dead protagonist's pov, afterall... Keep them coming!
Joelle Duran 2008-04-15 ch 13,	abuseOkay, first off--way to get me nervous with that chapter title! Secondly, if I have to wait six months for the next chapter after THAT cliffhanger, I am going to sue you. ;) I am honestly intrigued that the demon is so untalented at finding people (no 'extra' perception abilities, etc). And that its fire seemed not hot...wondering how it causes damage, then. Anyway, definitely a nail-biting exciting read of a chapter. Keep them coming!
Huda Allie 2008-04-15 ch 13,	abuseI LOVE THIS STORY! Please finish it soon!! I mean it!! i love it that much! will you please please plaese finish writing this story quickly! thanks!!
Joelle Duran 2008-03-10 ch 12,	abuseWhew! Happy to see them rescued, though I'm bracing for another twist. Good descriptions of the battle and staying in the kids' perspective. I think this was my favorite bit: "Now that everyone was together again and safely out of the cage, he felt both better and more nervous. It was sort of the feeling you get after you’ve taken a big test at school, but before you learn if you’ve done well or not." Great to see more writing from you!
Joelle Duran 2008-03-10 ch 11,	abuseA good continuation, and it certainly keeps up the suspense. It's fun how the Rydens just assume the kids know certain things. "The dead ground was unnatural. Even the very biggest trees had been burned completely to the ground, leaving only a few large rocks and bumps in the ground tall enough to hide behind." Ground 3x here, which is a little distracting. "The only thought RC had the whole way down was, I can’t puke in front of Rachel. I just can’t! He had to bite his lip to make sure he didn’t." That's such a delightful, 'real' touch. Nice work!
Ryth 2007-10-24 ch 10,	abuseWow, this story is fantastic. It sounds almost like it could be a movie, the dialogue is so good. Can't wait to read more!
Joelle Duran 2007-10-06 ch 10,	abuseI like how you break one of the thoughtless cliches here. So many people think 'flying! Fun, like a rollercoaster! Whee!' But there's nothing fun when there's no restraints, no control over the route, and no real assurance of making it safely. Well described! I liked the levity about the line about Rachel shutting up quickly. And also the description of the ruined land. You're working in plenty of information about the 'rules' in this story, and it comes across pretty naturally, rather than an infodump. I'm guessing, whatever happens next, it won't be simple or easy. ;)
Joelle Duran 2007-10-02 ch 9,	abuseGood follow-up chapter. Some questions answered, more raised. The stress-level of the adults comes through quite clearly. And I'd forgotten about Danny too! "“Guardians?” RC repeated. ”Silence!” snapped Mr. Ryden. “No!” screamed Rachel. “Your Master took our friends and we want them back!” “Not... our... Master,” grunted Mrs. Ryden, pausing in her chanting." These four lines are basically identical in their layout, just with speaker attributions varied. Maybe a little switching around or a gesture or something would vary it up somewhat. "RC put an end to any potential kissing right there. Seeing your teachers grow wings was one thing, but seeing them kiss would be just plain disgusting. " That is a priceless sentence. ;D Curious to see where this goes! I liked the trick with the bench.
Joelle Duran 2007-08-11 ch 8,	abuseOkay, I'm afraid this one didn't go over as well for me. It's the Demon Master, who comes off as either a walking cliche, or a jarring shift of gears to a more comic/satiral storyline. For me it's the 'diabolical laughter' and helpful explanations that bother me. Seems awfully talkative in a playfully sadistic fashion. Despite my dislike of the main villain, I did like the rest of it. RC being too stressed to care about if he got hurt, their forgetting the salt in the excitment--both ring quite true. Poor Kevin futilely dumping salt over the claws grasping him is a poignant image, but also shows he's quick-thinking. A couple small things: "There, above the little slide he and his sister used to play on, was a glowing hole of light hanging in the air. RC couldn’t think of another way to describe it: it looked like a dark hole in the sky – he couldn’t see any stars or clouds through it – and it was surrounded by swirling lights of all different colors." See, when I read 'glowing hole of light' I think the hole is bright, not dark. "It had black feathers and wings like them, but unlike them, it’s hands and feet were curved into vicious, hawk-like talons." Should be 'its hands,' tsk tsk! ;) Yikes, but this sure doesn't look good for those three kids, though I expect (hope) a fair few things are going to get revealed now. Keep those chapters coming!
Sasha Lynn Stowers 2007-08-06 ch 1,	abuseVery nice work. I've read a lot of this genre, and I think your word choice is fine. What you have so far pushes me into the next chapter, which is always nice. I do think that you need to tighten it up a bit by removing unneeded words, sentences, and phrases. For instance, I would restructure your first two lines: "Mrs. Ryden had to be the single most boring English teacher in the whole world. She could spend days discussing the difference between an adverb and an adjective, and you didn’t even want to get her started on prepositions" to "Mrs. Ryden could spend days discussing the difference between an adverb and an adjective, and you didn't even want to get her started on prepositions." You don't need the first sentence, because she's not doing anything in the first sentence and you've already shown in the second sentence that she is boring. Also, I'd suggest you run through the story and circle all of the adjectives and adverbs. See if the words really change the meaning of sentence, and if these words really need to be there. In "RC listened impatiently while Mrs. Ryden drilled the other students," "impatiently" does not influence the sentence dramatically so I'd suggest leaving it out. I'll be looking through your other chapters : )
Raptora 2007-08-03 ch 3,	abuseHello again! “He’s got to be a mad scientist,” RC whispered to Jason."--Haha. Well, considering what he sounds like, not entirely unlikely. “Ah, yes, alright,”--I forget if this is officially incorrect or not, but for me it's always been 'all right.' Again, though, I have no idea if alright is acceptable or not, so...take or ignore, I suppose. ;) I like how you consistently use 'ah' in Mr. Ryden's sentences. It shows he's nervous without outright stating it. Nice work. "Jason looked at RC before raising his hand and hesitantly answering, “Um, because it ran out of magic rain?”--Haha, good line. Interesting development with the teacher--magic is always intriguing, especially with kids this age. Really couldn't find much fault in this chapter. It's well-written, still maintains a young voice, and is quite intriguing. Nice work!

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