Reviews for High School Fairytale

Reviews For: High School Fairytale

PoorEnglishArtist 2008-05-22 ch 3,	Well...I'm not quite sure what to say, other than I don't really like it all that much. It's not very original, you know? Well, the storyline itself IS original-ish, but your characters are flat, and I don't really find myself caring about them much. Katrina is a whiney, self-centred person, so much so that I can't even start to think that she might be real. Bryan is...uh, well, what is he? Are there really people like him in the world? I'm not sure. Everything goes a bit fast - maybe slow it down, and...stop talking about the AP class. Where's the significance, other than him falling asleep? However, I DO like your grammar, 'tis good, and there's not a mistake that I can see...so, uh, continue with the good grammar! Sorry for being so negative, I just felt that it needed to be said. Apologies if you hate me forever.
elle 2007-06-25 ch 2,	Hey, I came to check out your stories after reading your complaint in one of the forums. So I have some advice to give. ^^ First, I picked this story after skimming your summaries because I liked the mention of a romance and so this one was the best choice. On the summaries: I think perhaps the reason more of the "cliched" ones are more popular instead of yours are because yours come across as a little /too/ weird. Reading them they seem a little too far fetched. Definitely original but not really a genre most people are interested in. If this is just your favorite way of writing then go for it! But to draw in more readers perhaps highlight more character relationships and such in the summaries. As for this story, it's kind of slow in the beginning. There's not much to snag your interest. You get bored after a while just like the characters in class. Another point I want to comment on is your characterization and just kind of setting? They seem unreal. Hard to relate too. Most school bullies I've run into and people who get picked on, the bullies are a lot more physical and subtle. Verbal too but usually there isn't a whole "let's stand here and chat" conversation between the two. And those getting victimized, there is usually a much clearer reason as to why. Perhaps a quick temper, violent nature, whiny personality, obsession with something unusual, talk really loud, are annoying, etc. Most people aren't just victimized for no reason. Your social ladder seems a bit messed up in that those on top are a little /too/ conceited. People like to relate to the stories their reading. This one doesn't really do that. Good points: Bryan seems to definitely have more character the farther in you read. He's a pretty strong main character. You use good word choice. The hook on the end of ch. 1 made me just interested enough to flip the page (metaphorically speaking.) So, hopefully I've been of some help. =) Sorry if I came across as rude. =( Good luck with your writing!
Anonymous 2007-06-11 ch 3,	Same Anonymous as before. Hi. I like this chapter a little bit more than the first two. Here's why: The teen behavior, while a little forced, was mostly natural. Katrina acted a little more like a cheerleader might. My favorite line being when she asks Bryan what he's thinking. Girls do that to guys all the time and I know it drives most of them crazy. Areas for improvement: Title. I'll concede on that point as long as you capitalize "not" it's okay. The couple still doesn't have much chemistry. They have potential though. I suggest that you soften Katrina's personality a bit when they're alone together. Make her seem more human. In response to ah... Whit50: I stand by what I say. I don't appreciate my comment being blown off by some arrogant writer who doesn't even use proper spelling and grammar. It's people like you that make this website suck. And I'm a MISS Anonymous. Not Mr.
Whit5000 2007-06-11 ch 3,	saw two errors i think. “The teacher actually 'brought' that excuse?” bought. "She wrapped her fingers around his arm tightly and 'starred' dragging him along" started. I was surprised. I thought that Katrina and Bryan was gon somehow make up a lie ta stop his two friends from knowin. lol, that fifth period class is weird. XD All that happened and the teacha ain't even see it. I don't think this relationship's gon last... And i'm only thinkin that cuz Bryan's got too much doubt right now, which can destory the relationship. At least that's what i think from experience.
ihrtbks 2007-06-11 ch 3,	I love Meng and Shigeru. Are you, by any chance, going to put them together? I love how you show Bryan's hesitancy and Katrina's frustration. UPDATE SOON!
Whit5000 2007-05-31 ch 2,	Wow... the reviews here is interestin... anyway, this couple is strange, lol. ch.3 should be good. Now... i need ta respond ta some a the comments... Mr. Anon: I ain't even gon argue about the title... but, the japanese names ain't fake, so i dunno where ya got that from. The romance is outta the blue, but that's also what makes it interestin. I know Serom's gon give us more info on why Katrina likes Bryan so much in ch.3 and beyond. As long as she do it right, it should be fine. the description wasn't bad at all. When you said that, i was expectin Serom ta describe Katrina's appearance in a list as a big paragraph, which she ain't. So, i ain't see no problems here. Now... the role reversal... yea, Bryan was actin girly and Katrina was actin more manly. Serom, the reason why everyone says Katrina is actin like a boy is cuz a the way she acts... This girl comes outta nowhere and pins him to a wall, raped him with words, and made him her . lol. (she threatened to get his kicked outta school if he said no to her and was all in his face. She was the one makin the moves and everythin.) Bryan was wonderin why she liked him, i woulda asked myself that too if i was him, but i definitely wouldn't be tryina turn her down. I mean, she's spose ta be beautiful and... she's also the richest girl in the district (MONEY!). Bryan ain't care about none a that and he even stopped off the kiss. Had this been me, i woulda been all ova her. (most guys would do the same.) And... what guy wouldn't like bein man handled by a hot girl? i'd love for a girl ta just come outta nowhere and pin me to a wall. lol. Anyway, there's nothin wrong here. People, there is girls out there that act like brats and is real aggressive. And there is guys out there that ain't all about gettin some and hookin up with girls. Bryan's the kinda guy who is more worried about finishin school and gettin into college and etc. He ain't worryin about bein popular and datin girls. He's like any nerd. Katrina is a rough, rich girl, who gets what she wants, but is also worried about her popularity. She was bein rough with him cuz she knew she could without gettin in trouble. Anyway, these kinda couples ain't wrong at all. Watch any Harem anime. (if ya dunno what that means, it's an anime where a regular guy gets hit on by a lotta beautiful women.) The guy in these animes is always girly. He neva takes the opportunity ta get with the girl or get sex. He's always more emotional than the average guy (and women in the story most a the time), is more carin, and a nice guy. This is what Bryan is. But, i gotta say... From my view, bein a guy, if i was his friend, i prolly woulda thought he was gay if he ain't jump at the chance ta be with a hot, rich girl. but, yea, there is people like that in this world. Anyway, that's all i gotta say. I saw nothin wrong with it. Characters is fine. Fun argument.
ihrtbks 2007-05-30 ch 2,	Does Katrina really want him or is she using him, like as a rebound or to make someone jealous? Not that either of those would work if she doesn't want to flaunt him. Or maybe your story is exactly like those other cliches but you have to flip the genders? No offense, but Katrina has a slight attitude/arrogance problem. UPDATE SOON!
SuperTD 2007-05-30 ch 2,	I like it, but I agree with the previous poster, Katrina does seem to be acting to much like a boy. Any, great story, update soon!
Anonymous 2007-05-29 ch 2,	I like the theory, but you're not making it work. I have just a few suggestions for you: 1)The title. It should read "Life, Not a Fairytale". My engilsh teacher would have a fit if he saw it. 2)Quit with the fake Japanese names. If you REALLY want to use Japanese names, go to wikipedia, look up an anime, and use the voice actors' names. Think of it as your own little inside joke. 3)The romance is out of the blue. I think you should've taken a little more time to develop both of the main characters before they get into a relationship. It makes them more relatable. Right now, all I'm getting is Emo Asian Nerd and Popular Cheerleader Skank. 4)They have no chemistry. They have nothing that makes the reader want them to stay together. It's important to have this in even the earliest chapter or nobody is going to want to read any further. So far a girl randomly jumped a guy she's never had any contact with. It doesn't catch the attention very well. 5)The descriptions. What can I say? You've made one of the most common faux pas I see on FictionPress. You describe the main characters in detail in one big paragraph all at once. The reader doesn't need to know all of that right away. Slowly trickle in details about their appearance throughout the first few chapters of the story, and leave some details to the imagination of they reader. We like that. 6)Finally, the role reversal issue you seem to have. Your male lead character's inner thoughts are decidedly girly. They're worries that a girl usually has. Your female, however is rather masculine. She pushes him against a wall and forces herself upon him. It's not believable. Highschool girls are insecure about those kinds of things and cheerleaders EXPECIALLY use cunning and sneakery to get their way. I think you have potential. Your grammar is generally good and you've got a good idea going. With a few improvements you could have a really great story, and even if you don't want to change it, take my advice. You'll be a better writer.
Whit5000 2007-05-28 ch 1,	this is the otha dream story ya had? errors. "She waited for one of them to start talking, but when neither of them did_ Meng" comma afta did. Yeah,” Shigeru agreed. “I’m going to 'get' on home as well. See you later, Bryan.” go on home? Don't really know what ta make a this story right now, but i do know that it's a high school type a story from the nerds' side a the story, i guess.
ihrtbks 2007-05-27 ch 1,	OH!! Love the disses to Jake, but it would have been funnier if he didn't get them. Is the girl who 'jumped' him Kathy by any chance. Nice to see geek guy with popular girl instead of the other way around. UPDATE SOON!
whisperedXkiss 2007-05-27 ch 1,	I want to read more of this if only to find out who it is that pinned him! However, I also like your narrative style, and I can easily relate to the characters as I am also a high schooler. Hope you update it soon!

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