They're going to Israel?! This story is getting juicy!

The ideas and conspiracies you have put forth in this story are really something else, because you know what? A lot of it is true! It's amazing what one can come up with based upon a few little known facts and some great characters. Keep writing!

Hullo. I assume you were reading my beta profile?

[The sorority house of Phi Theta Kappa buzzed with a myriad of activity.] Myriad refers to a large number of things, so it should definitely be followed by "activities".

[party being thrown for one of it’s senior members] should be 'its'.

The dialog sequence where the girls are discussing the game is very confusing. You might want to give them all names for continuity's sake, and if Daphne is your main character, she should be the first described or it throws off the story. I didn't even think she was important at first until I read several paragraphs further. If you're having an important guest over to your house, you always introduce her first, right? :P

[As the hours rolled by Daphne, engaged in a number of party games such as Spin The Bottle, Drink Till You Drop and Pin the Tail On The Hottie.] Should be: As the hours rolled by, Daphne engaged in a number of party games...

Hmm... pin the tail on the hottie? Interesting mental image. ;D

[A soft pulsating red light seemed to glimmer in the distance, quite unlike anything she had ever seen before. Quite distinguishable from any of the stars, the peculiar object stood stationary, glowing with an eerie brilliance.] Should be "soft, pulsating red light". Also, you use the word 'quite' twice in this paragraph, and the second one is unnecessary.

[It wasn’t to long before she drifted off to sleep…] should be "too long"

[The blue light became stronger and almost became blinding.] "The blue light became stronger and nearly blinding".

[The door opened in swarmed dozens of little creatures.] I think you need an 'and' in there.

[A suffocating odor pervaded the room and assailed Daphne’s nostrils, she thought she was going to die.] Should be: "A suffocating odor invaded the room and assailed Daphne's nostrils: she thought she was going to die."

Also, immediately after the above paragraph you switch from past to present tense. You might want to change that as it makes the flow of the story very uneven. I was like, huh, what? Tear in the space time continuum? It shouldn't be too hard to fix. :D

[instead in large completely white room] "instead in a large, completely white room".

[computer like] should be hyphenated. Also, you need to separate the two separate adjectives by commas.

[machine like] hyphenated. The second description of the voice is redundant, since the reader already knows that the voice is lacking in any distinct qualities of human emotion. If the thing speaks again in later chapters, you could remind them again of this in the description, but you don't need to do that now. :]

[laser like] should be hyphenated.

[humanoid type] hyphenated.

[Her face pale and flushed] Her face is/was pale and flushed.

Let's see. Well, you've got an interesting concept going on here. You need to fix the tense changes and some of the technical errors, but other than that it's a good start. There isn't a lot of dialogue, though, and we really don't get to KNOW Daphne in this chapter. Having her do things that show bits and pieces of her character might help people connect with her earlier on.

xCandid

This is a very good story. There are a few spelling and grammer errors, but is easily readable. I find the characters very entertaining if only a little far fetched. On a scale of one to ten I'd give this a nine. Keep it up, I'll be back later to check for updates.

You have a unique style, if nothing else. Your sentences are interesting in their own way, not just for the content.
Good capture scene, you don't just mention how they looked, but the smell and her emotions and such.

After she woke up you changed tense to present instead of past. I don't know if this was intentional or not or what.

Well, I enjoyed the story, and other than the tense thing I didn't spot any big problems. Could you please review my story, Blade of Baikon? Thanks.

Aliens, Illuminati and satanic murder. This an awesome story.

Snowzinger.

"...It wasn’t (too) long before she drifted off to sleep…"

The birthday girl imitated a scale with her hands “Let’s see, Ouija Board or being twisted into compromising positions with some hot guy, that’s a tough one.”

I really like that line xD

"...The door opened in swarmed dozens of little creatures."
I think you should reword this, maybe 'As the door opened, dozens of little creatures swarmed in.' Or something along the lines.

"...but instead in (a) large completely white room..."

The verb tense in the following paragraph is all wrong. I see you're trying to go for present-tense, but then you have a mix of past tense verbs and it just makes it a chore to read. It's really challenging to write a story in present-tense, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, since the rest of this story is quite well-written, and hope you know what you're doing.

"...once again she finds that she (is) paralyzed.."

"...monotone (computer-like) voice."

Overall this chapter was pretty good, I'll definitely go back to look through the next few chapters =)

Good job

~ Audy

Great story so far, I have only read a couple chapters but I like it.

Great suspense you've got going on here, really wild. I'm still trying to figure out how the aliens figure into all of this and what is the thread that connects the conspiracy...can't wait for more.

All right, now things are starting to heat up. Nice attitude you gave Chris, by the way. I remember reading Angels and Demons. That book was heavily focused on the Illuminati as well.

At any rate, there's definitely a story here that's being told quickly, and that's all right. There were several grammar mistakes that I saw, though. Nothing that makes it impossible to read, but they're still noticeable. Also, you've been using the present and past tense still. I guess there's no point in saying this now because you have the next 10 or so chapters already posted, but if you're still working on this, you might REALLY want to switch it all the past tense.

But enough on the writing. Sounds like this story is going to be heading in a very interesting direction.

Very eventful and catching opening to the story. Sounds like Daphne is going to be a part of something big, and based on your summary, it sounds like this will be a very suspense filled story. One thing to watch for, though: occasionally you switched between writing in past tense and present tense. You should really stick with one, preferably past. But other than that, good work so far. I hope to be able to read more soon.

Wow this is great and is shaping up to be a great thriller. The plot is very heavy and I can't wait till it gets full throttle. Kinda reminds me of the DaVinci Code meets the X-Files...excellent job.

Aliens. The Knights Templar. Cults gone crazy. Baby harvesting. This just gets better and better and the conpspiracy stuff is great. Though how would Carly's murderer be a serial killer if he only had one victim and that was Carly? And it took a little while for me to figure out that she had been murdered on a military base, so I guess that could have been sooner. Oh, and 'cross between Denzel Washington and Wesley Snipes' is the most cliched description ever. Give me something about studious eyes or a determined gaze instead. Other than that, this is turning out very well and I hope to read more soon.

That was a pretty good opening, and I liked the Alien abduction in the prologue. The cop character is good too, but a little cliched. A loose cannon on the edge who enjoys a good time but gets the job done! Please. Though making him play Halo was a good touch in cementing the time and place. Also, if there were politician murders going on around Washington DC, you'd think the local cops would be into it just as much as the Feds. Politicans make the laws, and protecting themselves is their first priority all the time. And are cops allowed to just pull guns in the street in order to solve driving disputes? I don't think that's exactly legal, though that did show him to be a loose cannon character. Anyway, good writing, good aliens, and I look forward to seeing more soon.

I liked the detective character, hope to see some more chapters up soon.