Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search Login Register Extras
Reviews For: The Shutters
Hemingway Solution 2007-06-13 . chapter 1
"his hands tangled in his hair"
I think you mean "fingers," not hands.

"They sat for awhile in that way."
Kinda awkward wording here. Maybe "They sat that way for a while." Or a long time?

"and stirred it with her untouched egg fork"
If she's using it to stir something with, how is it untouched?

"Somehow, though light flooded the room still, though the toast was where he’d left it and her eggshell was broken into a thousand pieces as always, though the curtains fluttered in the breeze, he felt the closing of shutters."
Not only is it a huge run-on, but the conclusion of the sentence doesn't satisfy the suspense that's being built up with all of those "though"s.

"and he got his hand on the knob but it wouldn’t turn and wasn’t that just ** classic."
I like this. :3

Aren't bread knives sort of bluntish? Or am I thinking of something else? And what exactly is an egg fork? Haha I'm digressing.

“Ack,” he said, helpless,
onomotopoeia or however the hell you spell it is sort of tacky in dialogue.

Otherwise I really liked this, and your style. It just needs a bit of tweaking here and there.

Kudos.
E.B. Rowling 2007-06-10 . chapter 1
Somehow, though light flooded the room still, though the toast was where he’d left it and her eggshell was broken into a thousand pieces as always, though the curtains fluttered in the breeze, he felt the closing of shutters.
~
RUN ON, RUN ON.

But other than that, this story was really great. Your word choice is phenomenal, and it's just ... a very good plot.

I'm interested for more?
Caitlin Kane 2007-06-10 . chapter 1
Not necessarily the kind of story I usually read. However, it was descriptive and interesting. Well done.
queeran 2007-06-09 . chapter 1
LAWL. poor husband. dude, she was -SO- an alien. o_O that can't be healthy.
Return to Top