'Jenny hesitated for only a moment.'

Gah! First person to third person! What's going on?!

'...I wanted to smack myself on the forehead. I sounded so dumb on the phone.'

Oh, we're back. Good. I was afraid that you were going to change the perspective randomly for a second there, because of THAT ONE TYPO. And TBotF was doing so good up until that point, too!

But then we suddenly yank the plot into another dimension...again. Nannying? Different country? What? Where was the forewarning to this? I know that Jenny hates her parents, but suddenly they seem to have no mention, and her desire for her own freedom is the only thing that occupies her mind.

She'll never find it, though. If Jenny doesn't stop running, she'll become a slave to her cause. But I doubt that she'll realize this...and I doubt that she realizes the little tinges of selfishness that lie beneath her impromptu escape. Unless the parents are truly as one-dimensional as they sound and don't give a crap about her.

But you know, I'm not even sure if they'll come up again :(.

5/10

Oh yeah, Mrs. Soriano is definitely evil. Look out, Jenny.

Kidding! But I'm still unable to find the story. It's jumped from parental conflict to living with the Clements to the excursion into the city to Mrs. Soriano. Where is the continuity?

The typo issue is significantly better, at least, although it makes Jenny's tendency to exaggeration more obvious. Some hypothetical thinking is allowed, but it's all about the past and not the present with her, why can't she look forward?

7/10

'So I told her the truth. All of it. I told this lady about how I had to run away from home because my parents wanted to lock me away in a marriage or a nunnery. I told her about the awful school I had been sent to and the brownies I made. I told her about running and Josie and the blue or white twinkle lights. I told her about how I wanted to do everything and go everywhere and drive a car and climb a mountain. I told her about the goldfish and leaving my home and buying a train ticket. I told her about the scary people, the hot dog, and the mean landlord who kicked me out when I told him how much money I had. I looked down at my shoes and then burst into tears. Before I left they were so pretty and white, hardly been used. Now they had scratches and mud and what looked like a glob of gum on the bottom. These shoes which I had kept tucked away in my closet for so long were now used and dirty from it, they would never be the same.'

Yup, that's the story so far. Mrs. Soriano's response to Jenny's ill-planned dash for freedom?

'“Jenny, you are a very brave soul...You escaped. You are truly one of a kind...'

Why isn't she questioning Jenny at all on her running away? How does she know that Jenny isn't just exaggerating her problems? How is escapism brave? Mrs. Soriano just seems too good to be true.

It may or may not be the case, but is this story a story or a fantasy of the author? That's kind of what I'm concluding from the style of writing.

Hm, maybe Jenny is at risk for murder living with this overly-understanding woman.

Ah, and not as many typos. It's surprising the impact one little typo can have on a story.

6/10

Getting a little jumpy now. Forgetting commas, using the wrong words, etc.. But I hate to focus simply on the grammar.

Although the length of the chapters is something that I like about TBotF, you could have integrated ch. 3 and 4 together. It would have made a little more sense that way, because most of ch. 4 could have been taken out to just emphasize ch. 3.

When there isn't much dialogue, Jenny's thoughts take up the chapter and she makes herself sound just a little naive...why is she thinking of all these things NOW? Sheesh, way to plan running away.

Ah, but props for getting this far, and even though it isn't the best feeling, it has been somewhat maintained throughout the story.

But that's just it. Everything negative that I've said so far can be summed up in this: WHERE'S THE STORY? Okay, occasional dialogue, a couple of metaphors, the basic, rough idea of running away, but where's the depth?

5/10

'What do I do now? I had no car...'

Present and past tense mixup. And it's 'principal'. And you forgot the 'd' on 'prejudiced'. And...and...and...

Typos galore. A story seems to be emerging from the somewhat confusing, maybe overlookable first two chapters. Actually, this would have made a pretty good first chapter itself. But that's just my opinion :).

Mrs. Soriano seems just a little creepy...I wonder what would happen if Jenny stayed with her. Hm.

So where will this go? It feels like I've started all over from the beginning! But despite the discontinuity and increasing typo count, I have to say that this chapter is better than the previous.

7/10

'Dam' not 'damn'.

Who are the Clements? Friends? This is so confusing. And the occasional metaphor was cool, but it's becoming overload (my favorite so far is the one about the goldfish). It's like I just want to breeze over the paragraphs, colorful and well-written as they may be.

I hate to say this, but it started out with a good idea and it's spiraling into typicality...It's too focused on Jenny, I think, on Jenny's mind and on Jenny's thoughts. But such is the first person perspective trap.

It has a good beat and voice and feel, but it's practically routine already. Every setting is the same, with a few dots of character here and there.

Will 3 be better? I hope so.

5.5/10

One typo; it's 'shutters' not 'shudders', I believe. Otherwise it's really neat looking, and has nice length.

TBotF does have the potential to get redundant, judging from the first chapter. It's pretty common for first-person stories to only skim on the top of issues, and I hope that as this goes along, it won't get caught in that trap (i.e., "oh, look at my life and how angsty it is, woe is me").

Positives: Mentioned above, the format. Pretty and easy to read. Also, the meanings I'm expecting to find within the story, and the way you make me curious about the characters. And the colorful description of boring Carolton (could this be from your own dislike of a town? :) )

Jenny does have a good voice, despite inching into the first-person trap. However, it's not like I look forward to ch.2, it's more like I want the story to continue...still not sure whether this is a positive or negative detail.

6.5/10

oh, this is good. :) please update.

that first sentence really caught me attnention :] right from the start, you give a clear picture of what jenny is like. i love how instead of saying directly "my father is so strict," you add those little incidents like the home ec brownies or the homecoming dance (especially how she had to go with her younger brother =p). i'll be reading more of this soon :]

...Well, that was a neck-breaking shift.

It's really cool to see how your writing has matured over the past few years...so far, I like this story and the exposition.

Hm... I like it... odd... weird... but good... -waits for more-

Interesting...

WOW...just..WOW
this actually really good
PLEASE UPDATE SOON *makes goo goo eyes*