u shouldnt leave them like that. the suspense is going to kill us and then u wont have any readers left to leave u wonderful revies like mine. just kidding. too bad u didnt leave any trivia q's and thanks for the cookies. and continue the story.

I wanted to read this, I really did. But then I have a short attention span and the lack of spaces on some places gave me a headache. D=

Please fix it.

u have to continue writing and the song is from the fray

ok.

Stories that start off with the 'inner tour guide' can be very annoying at times.

The ones who nail it perfectly, come a dime and dozen.

I don't think you nailed it.

You have to use proper grammar and spacing so that the reader (who is probably already annoyed with the fact that they have to endure a sappy 'tour guide' prologue) isn't so annoyed by the grammar and the spacing that they just want to run away and major in English.

If this is your first story, just get the hang of it, by playing around with the editor until you get it just right.

A reader wants to be able to focus on the story without needing to pull out their old bifocals…or binoculars even…


Now, on to the story...

You're normally supposed to give us some insight to the main characters... but since you kind of did that already with the 'tour guide', you just went on a tangent about some suckers... which could've been way cuter, if it had some sort of sappy purpose.

Now, about the boy getting his balls crushed because he merely said that the main character was "fine"... wow.. That kind of threw me for a loop. It was very unnecessary to me. Maybe you could have shown Jay get jealous or have Kandy throw in some quirky remark to him... but not beating him up... that's kind of extreme...

Well, good luck with this story!! I hope my comments were critiques more than criticism!

You have a cute storyline and a wonderfully weird leading lady!

Kudos!

The Fray. I like the story. Can I please be your beta, pretty pretty please with sugar on top and tons of candy in the middle...I really like sugar. Anyways, can't wait for the next update. ^_^

Uhm, this was pretty much impossible to follow.