i don't see what you're not satisfied with, this is fantastic. the metophor's you use are great. the whole war paralel not only makes it heavier and more compelling, but it also relates it to current events which lets people who have never gone through something like this understand.

The only line i didnt really care for was 'seeping bitter tears of corn-syrup happiness'. It works fine on its own, but to me it doesnt fit in with the brutal nature of the rest of it.

i absolutly love the last stanza. just powerful stuff. very very good.