Reviews for Corporate Apocalypse

Reviews For: Corporate Apocalypse - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Possessed Pencil 2007-12-27 ch 8,	abuseSomewhat longer, but still not much of a plot. It built up but it seemed the climax was lacking.:/ But I liked this chapter best. Random note; the shopkeeper reminded me of Hagrid.XD
Possessed Pencil 2007-12-27 ch 6,	abuseNice name, but the chapter confused me a little...where did Sulfur come in and who was the girl who was previously speaking?o.o
Possessed Pencil 2007-12-27 ch 5,	abuseNice poem...now i am curious as too what the next chapter shall bring...but I think the next chapter could go in here and he could explain the poem or discuss it.:/
Possessed Pencil 2007-12-27 ch 4,	abuseShort...O.o It makes it more suspenseful if you have more events in this chapter and then abruptly stop...don't have a few paragraphs and then try to add suspense...it just makes the reader confused.:P
Possessed Pencil 2007-12-27 ch 3,	abuseMEH! Too short! XD there is so much going for this story...it needs more length! D8 lol, but really, I hate sci-fi stories and this one is really good and it keeps abruptly stopping to go to another chapter.:P try not to switch between characters wither...it's just something in the rules of English. Unless you write one chapter viewing what ONE character is doing, then another chapter with what the other is doing it's alright; you started off with Neon in this chapter then went back to K1 all in this chapter.O.o
Possessed Pencil 2007-12-27 ch 2,	abuseInteresting...one typo though; Neon to hlep him up I assume you meant "help"? lol, anyways, I love the detail in this story...but I find that the chapter is still quite short. O.o Maybe you'd consider lengthening it a bit? perhaps I am just a fast reader though...idk.
Possessed Pencil 2007-12-27 ch 1,	abusehmm...kinda short but I kept reading so it's bound to be pretty good.:) I give it a 4 out of 5.
Wes Sheaborn 2007-12-08 ch 8,	abuseWell not much else left to comment, on, other than a tournament is exactly what I expected (props there). I'm a bit curios about those factory things and I hope that isn't the end of that storyline. Oh, and I don't think sulphur actually "decided" to sneeze. That made it funny. Keep it up
Wes Sheaborn 2007-12-08 ch 5,	abuseAs far as characters go, I found K1 to be the most interesting, although he wasn't exactly human was he? The other characters were flat in my opinion and there wasn't very much development done for them. Your writing is good, although I spotted a single spelling error in one of the previous chapters, I think it was chapter one not really sure. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful by pointing out where. Your grammar is also very good and precise, making everything easy to catch, although sometimes you use this "-" when you should be using the double lengthed one. As to enjoyment, yes I did enjoy it! It's very humorous, but not to the point where it detracts from the plot. I found myself almost toppling over at the part where Charles went to search for the glue gun. I wish I could comment on the plot, but at this point I haven't seen that much plot development to make a decision as to how well I think you are doing it. Although, the idea of corporations taking over might be a bit used. However the way in which you seem to be going is a nice refreshing change to that storyline. I don't get what the rubble had to do with it though. Finally, I just wanted to comment on the length of your chapters. I am not satisfied; they are too short. I noticed the same with Hard Death's Life. It's like you get invested in the damn thing and then suddenly it ends. Aw crap, I just noticed that this thing is 7 chapters long and this isn't the last chapter, but being as lazy as I am, I'm not going to delete this and start over again when I finish 7. I doubt there'll be that much change in what I have to say then though xP (what with the chapters being so short).
GilanSalehi 2007-07-24 ch 7,	abuseInteresting story. The chapters are very short, but the characters more than make up for it. You've got all the ingredients you need for a Hitchhiker-style sci-fi romp. I was a bit confused in chapter 3 when the narration changed from past tense to present tense, then it went right into the prophecy and back to past tense. Perhaps this is intentional, but I thought maybe that chapter should be written in past tense as well. This is solid, keep up the good work.
M.H. Moosetail 2007-07-22 ch 7,	abuseits very brief, the chapters. good thing for lazy readers. bad for those that like to read more into your story. I would think your story isn't done yet, if it is, very unremarkable ending. Your last chapter, this chapter is done better than any of the rest in writing wise. Just one liner, which is acceptable. Yup, i'll your story into my Community thinger. its nicely written, just no real plot and very brief. Yup, if you that sorta stuff. you gotta read my lastest and possibly best work, The Sinister Wolf NV. alright, keep writing.
M.H. Moosetail 2007-07-22 ch 6,	abuseSo those three monks are the head of the Order of the Cockroach? i would think monks talk different. They sound like a group of teenagers that had too much sugar. Storywise, what the is Neon trained for? You don't state what his purpose is. just that he's the only hope for peace in the universe. That doesn't say much or goes any further. next chapter.
M.H. Moosetail 2007-07-22 ch 3,	abusecyborgs for monks eh? that is just redicilous, but funny at the same time. Again, the one liner speeches with no ID of who said it or how he said it. yeah that's all i got to say about this one. next chapter.
M.H. Moosetail 2007-07-22 ch 2,	abusei gotta say, just the way you write is golden. just how your wrote the beginning where charles is waking up neon. But a trenchcoat, leather strap belt thing, and black sunglasses? Is he Neo? and then you go into those one liner sentences, example, "Of course he is, calm down." if it wasn't for that, i wouldn't comment on your writing. and the bold letters "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND CON-GRADULATIONS, NEON!" BIG no no. you never see any published authors do any of that do you? or do those one liners? and don't use all caps to express excitement, just like your " ! " take care of that, and a little thing after like "Charles said excitedly." that's okay. next chapter.
M.H. Moosetail 2007-07-22 ch 1,	abuseAlright, wasn't bad. Could use more description on where they are. i got lost, first i find their on some field, then digging for something, then i think their underground. and i got confused with your little, "Alright, two of them were still alive. No, wait, one- Well, one's better than nothing, wouldn't you think?". could be humor,but just as well as confusing. then bang, they start talking one liners which i don't like. and you dont even say who said this and that. you cant expect the reader to know how each monk's own way of speaking so early. i hope the other chapters aren't like that. but it flows, and good.i'll continue reading.

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