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| Fractured Illusion 2007-07-22 ch 1,  | abuse"Leon did not respond. Timothy rushed him to the hospital." Okaay. A bit of a jump between simply being in deep sleep to "OMG I gotta get him to the hospital". Explaining what led him to the reasoning of taking him to the hospital would be sufficient enough. "Timothy believes he is with Sharolyn now. Leon was buried next to Sharolyn." Repeating her name twice is unnecessary. How about replacing the second Sharolyn with "her"? The last paragraph would do immensely better without the "...". replacing it with commas would be improvement. As for the story itself, it felt a bit weird in the way they spoke. I myself have done that mistake of having characters speak too formally, so I'm not going to crucify you over it. As this takes place in almost prsent time their way of speaking is far outdated. I also wished you would have brought more personality to the characters. They felt a bit bleak, and all I knew was that tehy loved each other, but there was really nothing proving WHYthey loved each other. Just the generic loving lines exchanged throughout hte story. It does not create big commitment. What made me read onwards was that I liked your plot and story concept. With a bit of editing and fixing some things, this story could be a lot better than it is now. So if either you or your friend wishes to improve this, please listen to my advice ^^ (of course you can choose not to and do nothing or something totally different). Bye bye! |
| FantasiaFirst 2007-06-18 ch 1, | abuseHi my friend doesn't have an account here... |
| For What Its Worth 2007-06-18 ch 1, | abuseYou're right, it isn't your style! It is very sad..yet sweet. A pretty nice one-shot, but elongated, it could be better. Does your friend have an acct on FicPress? |