Truly..this is an amazing piece of work..you worked your way all to the top with this story..I really like it..Hope you update soon..Keep up the good work..Peace.

pleaze continue!

Well, I can see what you were talking about with this and how it lacks a certain "spark".

Personally, I feel you tried to do too much, too fast. Start slow, humbly, and gradually reveal the facets of the main character and the others. If the main character is meant to have an air of mystery about them, wait to reveal stuff about them until later.

I've actually seen a lot of people who turn fanfic based ideas into original works. Even if it's fanfiction and the characters aren't yours, original characters and the plot is yours to use as you wish.

i rather like Zeke actually. He's probably in my top three favorite character list.

Another decent chapter. You're story is coming along nicely.

link for last comment(i forgot to put it there, sorry. ^_^)



i dunno if it's gonna show up. I'm not that familiar with FP or FF. Sorry.

Hello!
I like you story so far, it sounds very adventurous. I suppose it's an adventurous story, too.

I don't know much about the plot yet, but I'll give you some pointers on your writing and voice.
Your writing seems sort of new to writing, and that's great! It means you get to start to get down and study! :D
I think your voice is a little bit out of tune.. when i say voice, i mean voice as in the tone and rhythm and WAY of speaking you write stories with.
for example, the following are the same phrase written with different styles and voice.
a) "Oh. My. God! IthinkIforgotmypurseatthatstore! AGAIN!"
b) "Aw, **. I think left my wallet behind at that store again."
c) "Oh no.. I believe I have abandoned my pocketbook in that boutique once again!"

A-- sounds sort of valley girl. Person A is very flustered and somewhat furious. She speaks very fast, and emphasized 'again!'
B-- sounds lazy, laid-back. As if Person B doesn't care that he left his wallet behind. cusses... so he's sort of rogue-ish. I dunno about you, but I think cussing isn't very intelligent, unless you use it very carefully.
C-- sounds dignified, somewhat. Classy,wealthy woman or debutante with rich vocabulary. "pocketbook," isn't used very often nowadays...


When you say "'Hello, Nezz.' Momiji said."(chapter 1) I think you want to emphasize Momiji was trying to get his attention with a different kind of tone. So you would spell 'Hello,' differently. It's kind of weird and not what your English teacher would suggest, but I think it falls under a type a writing, one I forgot. Also, you might not want to use the word, "Said" too much. Said is dead. Here's a site with many, many different words to replace 'said.'

Original: "Hello, Nezz." Momiji said.
Rewritten: "Hello. Nezz?" Momiji beckoned.

Whew! I wrote a lot on just one little quote. o_o
I normally give out story-overall reviewing critique, but I think I can finish here, and then watch you finish your story. :D
I like your story, btw. it sounds like a very well-developed one. You said you 'wrestled it for years', anyhow, so it's not supposed to sound made at last minute. xD Good work, good job! Keep it up...

Well, you want feedback, thus I'll give you some (as I write action stories myself and apparently I'm not that bad at it XD):
To start off I think the flow of the story should be more consistent. At points it seems that something pops out of nowhere and not in a way of surprising twist, but giving more of the feeling you invented it "on a go" and put it in. That makes the reader think you haven't planned it out beforehand.
The fight scene was theoretically there, but it lacked that 'something'. I especially felt disappointed when Nezz used his wind magic: it's pretty clear he didn't really know much of it and yet he was able to use it easily, no surprise on his part. It makes him look Gary Stu-ish (even more so with him being only 6 at the time).
The part you could improve on is either making the fights more spectacular or with more feelings in them. The ones here just seemed 'dry', not really awakening any emotions in the reader.
Also I advice you proof-read before submitting, coz I spotted several mistakes that could be easily avoided.
However the setting seems intriguing and could prove interesting. Good luck with future chapters.

This is my first time reading or even seeing this story here. You have a good sense of description and characterization. I actually really like this so far and I'll definitely read your next update.

If you wish or have the time, feel free to check out some of my works. You may like them.

Great imagery! One typo in the begining,
"It was only a amount of time" Should probably be, "an amount of time". Other than that, I love!

Going strong! Keep it up!

Great descriptive...ness! >.> Or whatever that's called...

Anyway, I'm loving the story line! Really captivating!

I actually fairly enjoyed this story so you know, it's not the super intense action storty, but just for something so good it belongs in my C2. Congrats. So you know I do constantly turn down submissions. I don't post every story an author requests... Not that I'm an **, it's jsut that if I don't find the story to be that packed, I don't add it. But I like this, keep it up, you'll go far someday

Nice. Continue soon.

I like. It's a captivating story. Well written so far. I'm waiting for the next chapter!