Oh my goodness, I'm totally into this! I really want to keep reading, but there's nothing left to read. PLEASE KEEP WRITING! Oh, and by the way, I absolutely LOVE Kewjo!

Sammy B.

omg vesta. finally. i've been waiting for an update on this for so long. dread. interesting. keep moving the plot! i wanna find out what happens! come on, already!! post again soon. please please please.

Hey VJ! Been a while since I saw you on this site!
I just read this chapter [and I realized I forgot what was going on so I had to read the chapter before it] And I realized how well you can write dialogue!
Like when you write the conversation flows...like a river or water...
its pretty cool [me get jealous now]
I mean there is never a moment when the weay you word things end up awkward...
I think your writing has improved since the beginnign of when you atarted this story
I give you props for that!
Lavi is very much Proud of Her VJ!!
good job cookie!

I love weekends where I supposedly dedicate myself to homework, and end up writing massive amounts of non-homework-related stuff instead. That's what I call being productive ;-)

Anyway.

This looks pretty interesting, and I'm interested in seeing where you go with it. I'm assuming Kewjo is the girl Jesse is supposed to sit behind? And/or that Jesse was the hott guy she saw on her way to school?

Either way, interesting introduction for the characters. I like how you've done it from both points of view. Keep it up.

A few minor things you may want to look at:
Tell me why didn’t I run? --> Tell me, why didn't I run?

If that’s a word? --> If that's a word.

'Anyways' is always 'anyway.' No 's.'

I think I should tell you just who I am ’cuz you know, you shouldn’t let strangers... --> I think I should tell you just who I am, 'cause, you know, you shouldn't...

I’ve had old people on the city bus strike up conversations with me, no, to me, about random things... --> I've had old people on the city bus strike up conversations with me - no, to me - about random things...

Front foyer... I wonder if 'front' should just be taken out. I think most people assume foyers are immediately inside a building, when you first walk in. In which case, 'front' would seem a bit redundant.

You seem to jump back and forth between tenses, so maybe just go back and look at that. For example:
I headed for my first period class from the front foyer. It’s my first day here, but I’m not too late. It’s only the third day of school. --> I headed for my first period class from the foyer. It was my first day here, but I wasn't too late; it was only the third day of school.

He searched the names and apparently found one that was marked away. --> The end of this sentence just sounds a bit awkward. 'Marked away?' I'd maybe rephrase that.

As I said, all very minor. Good luck with this!

Cheers,
Sammy

Oh, wow, I love the way that you change the POVs. I prefer third-person myself, but it's interesting to see different views. You are doing major well. ^.^ I'll check out the rest of your stories when I get the time. >.> In a bit of a rush right now.

Ciao Ciao!

Ah! Still too choppy! Make it flow, woman! -_-' Make your chapters longer as well, so that the reading isn't dirupted as much. Otherwise, it was fine. Fer now...hehe.

-Ramen

really cool so far. i'm glad you clarified a few things in this chapter. and emily's a ghost! omg! hahaha. not much action in this chapter...so not really much to say...but i hate leaving short reviews, so i'm just gonna keep talking. or typing. whatever.
i love how the words just seem to flow for you! and i like that it's in first person and the perspectives change. i've written in first person once. and i'm going to do it again soon... i need more practice at it.
OMG you should do a chapter from Emily's perspective! ah! that'd be so cool!
and i think that the last chapter you posted...chapter 12...should be from emily's perspective. i can't remember if it was or not. so if it was, ignore that comment. haha. it would be cool though if she were a witness to that whole battle scene... oh wait, that was jesse's dream wasn't it? ok ignore me. i'm going to stop now...

oh and the plot thickens...
what is jesse gonna do about his thirst for blood?
and when is will gonna make an appearance?
oh its getting interesting...
don't you dare get bored of this or else...
dun dun dun
:D

OMG!!
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!
the action was pure awesomeness...
best chapter so far
the fact that it is in third person adds to the mystery
well so now we know how he became a vampire
btw,
"Victoria spoke softly, yet the evil in her tone was undeniable"
(i know i seem to much of a grammar freak for this but)
instead of evil, use "the cruel tone in her voice was undeniable" lol
other than that PERFECTO!
WOOT WOOT
good job...
im so proud of you VJ!!
i love action scenes with swords
(you know that)
bye fer now
*~LaVi~*

Hm. Try to make your sentences longer. It kinda disrupts the flow of reading if you make it too choppy. And try to put more dialog
in there. You sped through all the parts where they talked, and you also skipped some crucial places where you could have added detail. Writing is not a race. Believe me, when it comes to chapters, people prefer quality over quantity. Since you say your only 14 (I am, too)you still have much to improve on. One of the best thing you can do is find books you enjoy reading, and study that author's style. Make footnotes if you have to. I do it all the time.

And if your one of those kind people who review back, would you mind checking out my story, Choking on Rabbits? It's a comedy, so I hope you enjoy. It's my first SLASH, so I hope your not a homophobe. ^_^'

-Ramen

AH! i'm so glad you put this up! this was the BEST chapter yet! i love all the action. you really described the scene well! ah! this is so good. it's ok that the chapters are even. don't flip out. haha. only suggestion is that you reread the beginning of last paragraph up to " She gently laid the unconscious boy to the ground..." you might want to reword a few sentences of that paragraph. hahahaha you don't want to know what i was thinking when i read the second sentence: "Colorado Jesse Villas lashed out in fury with his long gleaming weapon." hahahahahhaha. ok i know i'm weird.
i really really liked this chapter. this really was the best one so far.
if this was a rough draft, i'm gonna kill you. i wish my rough drafts could be this good.
this chapter was amazing. write more like this one!
luv,
suze

First of all, hooray for having a character named Hazel (sort of)! And I would like to say your story is interesting, short, and easy to read. Very good. I like it so far, and I'm going to be watching for updates. ^_^

good chapter! i really like it. nice CLIFFHANGER. that means you have to post soon.
that rule doesn't apply to me :D jk... i'm just stuck. i'll post asap. :)
anyway. i had to ponder the first part a little bit until i understood where they were. keeping the whole beginning/introduction thing in the present tense was a little weird. i understood it as i read on, though. so don't feel like you have to change it :)
really great chapter!
post soon

Haha...Jesse seems kinda **...
Ugh must you always end things with a cliff hangar??
I can't wait for the next chapter! and seeing as a certain someone-i am not going to say any names here (*Cough Vesta Cough*) - decided not to send me chapters of her story earlier, i have to wait until you put it up on fictionpress...
gr...
Well anyway when you described Kewjo's mom as looking like Jennifer Garner, it was in Jesse's POV, since he's a guy you could've made it seem more guyish...
I dunno like instead of him saying : "She looks like Jennifer Garner"
You could say: "She looks like that Sydney chick on Alias-you know the one that married that Ben guy?"
Though if he is old fashioned and polite I am not sure if he would use the term "chick"
lol
other than that- excellent chapter, sweetie
I have a feeling this is the longest review I have ever written,
lol
yours has to be just as long as this one...even if you have to ramble about randomness!!
lol
kayz, later VJ
*~LaVi~*

OMG! He's a VAMPIRE?!?!?!?! What the hell?!?!?!
wow
this plot isn't going where i thought it was going... hahahhaha
of course, i really couldn't tell where it was going before this chapter
i love how informal it sounds. it actually sounds like kewjo is telling the story. good job! :)
aww poor jesse.
the next chapter should be from his point of view. i wanna know what he's thinking! he should describe what he felt when he saw the blood on kewjo's finger. "need, desire, passion, craving". hahah just a few ideas. :)
post soon!