No way, I think this is a great poem!

'Looking down at a lifeless body...

Realizing it was my own.'

This line is especially powerful.

The only bit I don't like is the sudden exclaimatory. It seems to break the quiet, tense atmosphere. It reveals emotions tho... well it's just my opinion. ;)

Anyway, this is one good poem, I really enjoyed it!

I like how you slowly stole the life of the speaker, making the reader feel her pain, as it sucks the life outta her. I just don't think the "..."s did the poem justice though, it'd be better if you used proper punctuation. Otherwise, great job! 8D

dude! holy. freaking. crap. that was SO AWESOME! OMG!

i like it, tis kinda mesmirising, a little scary! but i'm not sure about the ... at the end of each line, i find them a little distracting but maybe taht's just me. i like the ideas though, good read :)