I deff. like your style. Its a lot like my or at least seems to be, inspired by the Late Great William Carlos Williams. I feel your pain about the formatting that fictionpress has. I'm jotting you down on my favorites.

Overall I like the poem. But I would love to see it in the original format. Its much like a narrative story.

I liked this chapter, even if you didn't.
-Corrections-
1.) "said you too could" you TWO.
-Shadow

Nice.
-Shadow

Wow, I love this. I can't stop reading.
-Shadow

I love the format. Just make sure to put periods, not commas.

-Corrections-
1.) "Just leave me alone," It would be a period, not a comma.

Nice chapter.
-Shadow

Fantastic! These chapters keep getting better and better! I loved this one--the ending was breathtaking.
-Shadow

This chapter is much better than the first! I love the last lines, and how the bold parts could almost be a poem in themselves.

Pretty first chapter, but it's hard to follow. Be sure to make it clear who is speaking, and about what.

I love the format! And the character people are very interesting. Well, off to explore chapter two!