i'm no editor so all i can say is that your story was really good. i liked reading it. i read through some of the other reviews and they pointed out abuot how you wrote. i LIKE how you wrote 'Tethys loves us no longer' and 'then i saw no more'
i hope this does get published, i'd love to pick me up a copy

I'm liking the sense of detached Omnisicience here, there's something fairly Anime about it.

Despite the nearly poetic prose, it's rather detached and emotionless, is that a reflection of the main character's personality flaws?

While I like the sense of detachment, it's hard to see where you are going and some of it seems detached from the story rather than beinf the storyteller's detachedtelling.

Also, Amethyst is a bit overused. Violet, Lavender, Purple... Amethyst has that overtone of Teen/anime/angst that tends to grate my teeth a bit. Once is fine.. after that, I get this Record of Lodoss War fanfic image in my head and start wondering if Deedlit and Drizzt Do'Urden are going to hook up in a corner somewhere to the side of the REAL story.

I think that's part of it. A sense of forced prose... But you're pretty on the mark overall. It's not so forced that I roll my eyes, but it's forced enough that it makes it hard to emotionally invest in the story.

Okay, (), [], or * signifies the corrections.

Kk, first off, the mistakes. Instead of:

The whisper of the surf on far-off shores, the taste of salt and sand carried on the wind, the blinding heat of Kalamia’s white cliffs in the sunlight:

try

The whisper of the surf on far-off shores [that only I could hear]; the taste of salt and sand carried on the wind [a distinct memory of only this place];the blinding heat of the Kalamia's white cliffs in the sunlight [like a holy beckon]; this was my life.

You trade tenses, "to watch", instead say " I watched" of "watching the ships".

Edit: carried out of the harbor with my family’s colors flapping and the sails pregnant with wind, to hear stories of great battles or sea monsters as they wind their way through the city streets, up to the very door of my mother’s palace: that was what it meant to be a Marmaras of Cephalonia. What it meant to be loved by Tethys.

Try: carried out of the harbor with my family's colors flapping(,) and the sails pregnant with the wind(;) (hearing) the stories of great battles or sea monsters as they wind their way through the cities streets, up to the door of my mother's palace(;) that is what it meant to be a Marmaras of Cephalonia(,) what it meant to be loved my Tethys.

Edit: Tethys loves us no longer.

Try: Tethys no longer loves us.

Edit:Until now, I have never sailed aboard a ship. Until now, it was never safe. But looking at the cliffs where just lately the magnificent city of Myrtos stood, the cliffs that look now like a face without skin, the purple and red of the rock like exposed muscle gaping at the sky, I pray that the Goddess is satisfied.

Try: Until now, I have never sailed aboard a ship; it was never safe. But looking over the cliffs where [recently] the magnificient city of Myrtos stood, the cliffs that now looked like a face without skin(;)the purple and red of the rock like [an] exposed muscle gaping at the sky(;) I pray that the Goddess is satisfied.

Edit: Only a thin rail separates me from the churning waves, red-stained by the rising sun. Around me, sailors in black armbands turn the sails this way and that, searching for a wind to carry us away from this place. There is none, only the dying breaths of the storm that murdered a city.

Try: Only a thin railing seperated me from the churning waves, red-stained by the rising sun. Around me, sailors in black armbands turn the sails [about], searching for a wind to carry us away from this [land]. There is none, only the dying breaths of the storm that murdered [our?] city. *Or you can keep the 'a city'*

Edit: Beneath us, the sea moves with the silence of death.

Try: Beneath us, the dea moved with the silence of death.

Edit: Thalassa’s crew went throughout the city spreading stories of the wealth the Marmaras had found on the island of Cephalonia, and of the mighty city they had built on the cliffs of Kalamia, so flawless and lovely that it must have been placed there by Tethys herself.

Try: Thalassa’s crew went throughout the city (,) stories of the wealth the Marmaras had found on the island of Cephalonia, and of the mighty city they had built on the cliffs of Kalamia(--) so flawless and lovely that it must have been placed there by Tethys herself.

Edit: “The purple of their robes is bought by the blood of their child.”

Try: " The purple of their robes was bought by the blood of their child."

Edit: Sometimes, they said, the ship’s reflection shown on the creature’s skin as in a mirror.

Try: Sometimes, they said, the ship's reflection [was] shown on the creature's skin as [if] a mirror.

Edit: Legend has it

Try: Legend [had] it

Edit: Some days I was a pirate queen, and the others belonged to my fierce and loyal crew: other times I was the Goddess herself, sending my minions out among mortals to claim tribute in my name.

Try: Some days I was a pirate queen, and the others belonged to my fierce and loyal crew(;) other times I was the Goddess herself, sending my minions out among mortals to claim tribute in my name.

Edit: Lord Rhesus was out at sea with a large convoy when it struck: he never returned, but soon after, a fisherman found the Marmaras and Scala banners washed up together on a beach in Ithaca.

Try: Lord Rhesus was out at sea with a large convoy when it struck(;) he never returned, but soon after, a fisherman found the Marmaras and Scala banners washed up together on a beach in Ithaca.

Edit: For this reason, the people began calling her Cassiopeia, or “she whose words surpass.”

Try: For this reason, the people began calling me Cassiopeia, or " she whose words surpass."

Okay, I'm done with the edits and tries. The flow and tone was like one of those epic tales that you're English teacher would tell you in class, and though exciting, you put your head on your arms, close your eyes, and let their gentle voice lull you into the cinaplex of this tale where you become the narrator. This was good though, despite the mistakes, and with a piece this long, it wasn't that many.

Well, I hope that this was detailed enough for you!

The story was amazing, compelling, and caught me from the first paragraph. It held my attention all the way until the end, where you have this:

-And so I began the long journey to a seaside village, a trading partner of Myrtos, where I knew some of our merchants to be trading. I joined them upon their ship, which was seventeen years ago named Andromeda in my honor, and now I sail with them, wearing the black band of mourning around my arm and looking out at the angry water that covers the remains of my kingdom.

The sea, that clear and violent mirror, shows me nothing.

And yet I know that a thousand feet beneath me, past the ash-choked water and through the bloodied sand, down to the very bottom of Tethys' reign, the church bells toll in the restless current.
-

The second paragraph, about the sea, is good. It's descriptive, and somewhat shows what has become of her city - it too, is nothing. You continue that in the last paragraph, where you tighten your bow one last time to be sure it goes out with a bang.

but that third to last paragraph singlehandedly destorys the story and stops the flow. It just... I can't even come up with a way to fix it. It is, to my mind, simply awful. Yes, she must flee somewhere. And from the little I remember of that myth, those out of the city were the only to survive and she joins a merchant ship (I don't remember the name though). However, its too blunt. You go from a style of desciption that is somewhat like poetry, it flows, and describes the city and the child with metaphors that bring everything to life. That paragraph is blunt in the way that the descriptions, what there are of them anyway, don't flow at all. They have no poetic sort of metaphors, they don't describe anything in particular and seem to be nothing more than a way of saying "I'm sick of this writing, lets cram the last bit of the myth into a single paragraph". Some elaboration, or else just better description, more, a use for that paragraph other than to tell where she is going, is needed. Give something of a why, or a how. If its such a long journey, does she ditch the dress and run? She would either be in sorely uncomfortable shoes or barefoot, either way she would end up barefoot, so why does what she walk/run on not cut and blister her feet? Why does it matter where the merchants are from? All of these little things just add up to make the paragraph a horrible disgrace to the rest of the story, and sadly, being how close it is to the end, it is one that sticks in the mind of the reader.

I don't know what good my criticism is, because I am only vaguely know the story of Andromeda.

You do use some really good similes in the course of the story. I liked the bit about the sails pregnant with the wind. That seems to work well with the whole of the story.

The structure if the story is nice with the present, distant past, recent past, then the present again. The tense change seems consistent with the time.

Was it boring anywhere. I don't think so. I didn't need to skip any paragraphs. So, that works.

I guess the only thing I can think of is about Andromeda's objection to being married off. I don't know. It kind of comes off that things should be different, but this was the norm. Yet, throughout the story, it does come off that she is selfish.

It is odd that she saw her father's face reflected in the monster. I did not get any indication that she had any closeness to her father to be affected by this. I would have thought that her mother's face would be the more proper one.

As I have said, I know little of this story. It seems odd that Andromeda was accepted by any country at all that is related to the sea, because of the goddess' wrath and what she did to Mytros.

I do like that the old gods did rise to destroy the new gods, but then again, did Andromeda's mother hold true faith in anything? This makes the ending kind of odd, because of the sunken cathedral.

As for your prose, it flows, rhyme or no. I had no trouble with the writing style.

I caught two typos:

My maids woke my at dawn and, with the Queen in attendance

The second my should be me.

As we came to a halt before the church, I head my maids

head should be heard.

I don't know if I am any help, but these are my thoughts. I don't know if you do any better on Booksie. There is a site called Universal Writers' Group that is pretty good for critiques. http://groups. You may try them out, and membership is not very hard to get.