Reviews for Holy Wars - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Holy Wars

misery sister 2008-05-12 ch 1,	abuseI think it was a very good beginning chapter. It was smooth,a n you have great descriptions. My only critique is maybe, you could space out your paragraphs a bit more. Long paragraphs are daunting and also, it's best if you space it out so you can give us breathers and process what is happening. And this, I think, is important because this is an adventure story, where a lot of things will be happening.
Asherah Seirei 2008-05-09 ch 1,	abuseVery suspenseful. It keeps me wondering and wondering what's so bad about the city. The bartender made me laugh. He seemed so...real. - This mission had “bad” written all over it from the start… - What a way to end a chapter. X3
Viking Berserker 2008-05-09 ch 1,	abuseJust started readin your story and i must say its definatly up my alley. I love the idea, though i am not an anarchist, i love the setting and find it hard to stray from. Your story is excellent so far and I can't wait to read more.
Esther Jade 2008-05-09 ch 2,	abuseReview game! I like Joann. She seems, to me, like a much more sympathetic character than the main character in the previous chapter. I particularly liked the detail of her looking for hidden messages. It gave the story a feeling of authenticity. I didn't really understand the motivation for her trashing her house. That seemed quite weird to me. On a technical note, I think it's more commonly accepted that one should spell out in words numbers smaller than ten. Also, it felt to me like this chapter had too many ellipses. It got a bit distracting and they lost impact. Minor points: her blonde hair messily framed her face. - I would suggest changing this to "her messy blonde hair framed her face". still in the holster, and strapped the holster to her belt. - I think you could change the second "the holster" to "it". utter dismay. - I think you mean "utter disarray". laying in ruin on the ground. - I think that "laying" should be "lying".
Esther Jade 2008-05-05 ch 1,	abuseReview game! I liked the plot premise. A city where the government has pretty much disappeared allows for many different types of development. At the same time, many such cities do actually exist so, if you haven't, I would suggest maybe doing some reading on zones in Africa, Asia and the Balkans where civil war is pretty much endemic. Overall, the dialogue sounded authentic and I liked that you gave your characters different voices. One thing I wasn't sure about is whether I buy that Anton is Russian. Perhaps you develop it more later, but his speaking patterns sound quite American. For the internet especially, this chapter was quite hard to read. It's quite a small thing but I would recommend breaking up the paragraphs a little more. It's a lot easier on the eyes and in the action sequences especially it would give things more pace. The beginning section before the story starts I would perhaps take out. Rather reveal the context and background as you go - it will add to the suspense. Also, you might want to give the start of the chapter a bit more of a feel of Anton's personality. The writing at the start is quite impersonal (compared to the rest) and I think it would help the reader connect if you put more of Anton's perspective in early on.
Distilledfx 2008-04-09 ch 1,	abuseReview Game :D Ok, this is the first action story I've reviewed, but it's a lot closer to my native genre (Horror) than most of the stories I review for the RG. First of all, your plot is an interesting one. The idea of a city that has been cut off because it was out of control is a new one to me, and that first scene of the taxi driving across that enormous bridge really seemed like the opening credits of an action movie. Your ideas work well, but need some polishing in order to make it seem a lot more solid. Something else that could use some polish is the character of Anton. While he seems like your typical action hero, you swing between him being cold and hard to being concerned for killing people and crossing the road at the lights. The character of the bartender seemed out of place too, for someone who lives in this town and is confronted by Anton, he was too comfortable. Maybe if he was nasty and difficult or he acted more scared and intimidated he would fit in a little better. The pace of this story is great, it's very fast and kept me reading throughout. This is doubly important with an action story and you did well. The fighting sequences are well thought out and you delivered the fast parts of action quickly and the long suspenseful parts (when he is fighting that man at the end) equally well. Overall this is a good idea for a story that could be really good. It just needs to be more thought out and polished. Keep writing, you'll get that stuff down and then it's easy.
helixdown 2008-01-20 ch 6,	abuseALAS! An update! I thought you had discontinued or someting! It's been so long i almost forgot everything about this story, i think im gonna have to read it all over. Oh well, it doesn't matter, great chapter, i dont know how you do it, but you manage to make it so that the dialogue actually sounds good, whenever i do it, it sounds choppy or misplaced, well good chapter, hope you update soon!
helixdown 2007-10-16 ch 5,	abuseThis chapter was good, but, hateful. ooh, I like the last part, this story is going in a directon far better and different then i could have imagined. When will be the next update?
helixdown 2007-10-16 ch 4,	abuseI like your story, don't get me wrong, but there's just to many thingsw happening at once, but oh well, as the good writer you are, i'm guessing there's a reason for that
helixdown 2007-10-16 ch 3,	abuseI like how you show the true side of war, where its not just killing people, when you kill someone, you take them away from their families, their dreams, their hopes. I admire your writing, and look forwards to more.
helixdown 2007-10-16 ch 2,	abuseAh, so Jonathan is going to have to save his lover, classic. Good chapter, i don't really know what to say other than that right now though.
helixdown 2007-10-16 ch 1,	abuseHello, this is a review from a fellow writer, though probably most reviewers are also writers, anyways, I was just watching "Behind the Taliban" when I came across your story, the title "holy wars" caught my attention as it was the thing the show was about. Though I don't know if this has anything to do with terrorists, and you probably don't care what I was watching, I'd like to say your story is very good so far. I am interested in where it leads, your writing is excellent, and there are very few, if any, errors. I will continue reading, and, if you don't mind, reviewing every chapter?
Hope-For-Life 2007-08-17 ch 4,	abuseWow... Ness... .> I like it. Sierra Elizabeth

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