It's quite the masterpiece! Congratulation! :)

OK, you've got me hooked. When will you continue writing it?

A nice enough story, this is well written, well paced and interesting.

The dialogue could be better. It's not bad, I just wish it was better somehow.

"ran a hand through his dense, unkempt blonde hair"

I would know you were the author of this if I hadn't already known as soon as I read that phrase. This is truly a nod off to Anime without pictures. When I read stories, I almost always imagine the story in my head as if it were a movie (this is how I write as well). I imagined this story as an anime, which is awesome because it just came naturally as I read it. And it is just imeasurably sureal, which is a trademark of yours, I think. Seeing as how you essentially tought me how to write, I see so many similarities between our styles that it is uncanny. Attention to EVERY detail and relentless description before the occasional line of dialogue. I love this because it gives a BRILLIANT and complete image of what is going on; an exact replica of what you had in your mind as you were writing this and I just get a kick out of that. People really do not understand you and me when they do not write like you and me. When I show my stories to my friends they continuously tell me that I should not have many descriptions, I should not be telling the reader that my character's hand is going through his thick and unkempt hair. I usually listen and just delete some stuff. But now, reading your work, comes inspiration. I hope my stories sound as good as yours, because this one, even if it is not done and only gives a tiny fraction of a much larger world, is a piece of gold as far as stories go.

-Brandon