|Reviews for TAG:Technical Assault Group, 'Girl Troubles'|
| Fish E 5/19/13 . chapter 44
This was another solid chapter. I liked Decker's interaction with One, and especially when it was drawn to his attention that TAG makes gestures, but outsiders cannot hear what they are saying. It's an interesting way to make a point, as opposed to just telling us that outsiders can't hear.
However, I think this same technique was poorly deployed later in the chapter, when Two says something like "That explosion was huge". You tried to use dialogue to describe the setting as opposed to narration, which is often a good idea. But in this case, it came up contrived. Just take more time to actually describe the explosion. Things that are that incredible to behold deserve artful imagery.
The fight scene was intense and abrupt, which worked will in your favor. I was intimidated by the android by the end of it, and hoping they would find SOME way to win. Which means you got across what you wanted successfully. Great work there.
I have only two complaints with the fight scene: the imagery was lacking in the first half. When Two joined the fight, I could see everything clearly. Before then, though the actual action was described, it was in a semi-void in my mind. Be careful here, just a few more details (not a whole slew of imagery) will flesh out the scene and make it better. This is a very minute criticism, and I could easily see another reader disagreeing with me, so consider it, but don't take it too much to heart.
The other complaint I have is how the android suddenly TALKS like an android. It's assumed that, usually, she talked like a normal human being. That's how it maintained its cover. So for her to suddenly say "It's not in her programming" doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe saying "You could never make me tell, because I don't know!" or something spiteful like that would make more sense. Also, her announcing that she is going to self-destruct doesn't make much sense. It would be more logical to program her to explode completely by surprise, not giving her enemies a chance to react.
My complaints are small, though. Overall, this chapter was strong and exciting. I look forward to your next installment!
| Fish E 3/29/13 . chapter 43
This was a pretty awesome chapter! A lot of great action, twists throughout the whole thing, and great comic-book-esque dialogue. My mind was blown by all the villains being together at once, and Waltrum being a teacher reminds me of how Miles Warren (the Jackal) was actually one of Peter Parker's professors. There are a few minor errors here and there, which I was too lazy to point out this time, but read through it a few more times to fix that up.
Maybe put a little more time in describing the setting. Not much, just a LITTLE more.
But overall, a very satisfying chapter. I was amazed that Jon made it out okay, and your explanation for it was clever and believable. Great work, all around.
| Fish E 3/18/13 . chapter 42
'As the student body as a whole stood up'
This is redundant and awkward. How about 'The students stood up'
'I understand things like this happens'
Should be 'happen'
'They were able to easily find three empty seats in the front row'
This is a bit of an unnecessarily lofty sentences. As a rule: only use adverbs when they are necessary. 'easily' is not necessary here. Neither is 'they were able to'. Instead, simplify it to 'They found three vacant seats in the front row'. Stylistically, this is more professional.
'Michael shuffled his feet nervously as he made his way to the front.'
Once again, too many words. 'Michael shuffled nervously to the front'. This is more effective and economic.
'"Well for Hannah's sake just make sure he keeps his ring finger intact'
This was a very good joke. Well done!
"Oh hey Sophia", come a voice
'came' a voice
I really like how you wrote that Sophia felt betrayed. I assumed you met at Jon. It was an interesting twist for her to be angry at Carrie. Nicely done.
'Or do you reveal in turning yourself into a piece of meat"?'
'Reveal' should be 'revel'
I really liked the outburst Jon had at Carrie. It's hard to do those and really capture the emotion, but I felt it strong. It was scathing and real. Definitely a good climax to end your chapter on. Also, Jon's getting over his guilt a bit and starting to live for himself, while realizing this is only a step in that direction, was really mature. This is the sort've character development that is often lacking from comics, which your story is inspired from. Kudos for that.
In contrast, the beginning of this chapter was lacking. Obviously, it wasn't a very important addition to the overall novel, as it just foreshadowed the vigil, but I think it deserved a little more effort. The principal has about a paragraph of dialogue where he goes through several emotions, and you didn't even break it up to quickly describe his facial expressions, or perhaps even the way the lights hit his brow. Little details like this make your story vivid, and the opening lacked that.
Other than that, this was a fun, intense chapter. The dialogue, as always, was believable, and the characters entertaining to watch. Great work!
| X. Scriptor 3/7/13 . chapter 1
This is a pretty intriguing and well written beginning. I didn't catch any grammar mistakes and I already like Jon even though I hardly know much about him. Your story has a lot of potential and I will be reading the next chapter as soon as possible.
| Fish E 1/24/13 . chapter 41
There's a lot of intensity here. I understand why these three chapters came at once. They each help establish the mood, and develop the sense of oncoming calamity. There were a few minor errors, but other than that, good work. :) You do a really good job of maintaining a dark mood, which I know can be exhausting.
| Fish E 1/24/13 . chapter 40
'Quickly he rolled under the bed as Hannah let out a soft "coming" in her best 'you just woke me up' voice.'
'Quickly' is the third adverb you've used in this paragraph. Typically, adverbs are to be avoided unless truly necessary, and, unlike the other adverbs you used, this one does very little or nothing to more clearly portray what is happening. We know that he rolled quickly without you telling us it was quick. On the up-side, I like the ''you just woke me up' voice' bit. An original way to express the thought ;)
'I so what did that say about how his father viewed him overall?'
The word 'I' should be removed.
I like the tension with the father! I'm really looking forward to seeing how this conversation is going to turn out.
'Suddenly they both felt like they were back in interrogation rooms.'
The adverb 'suddenly' should be removed, but other wise this is a clever sentence that really helps establish the mood.
'"No son, you're wrong, I know exactly what you two were doing".
"We're not like that dad! I'm dating Sophia; I want to be with her".'
This was another clever exchange
'I watched you use your composure.'
I assume you mean 'lose'
I felt a little awkward, with Jon's dad talking about Kimberly. I assume that's what you were going for here, and it comes off really well.
'"Well you haven't been too cleaver in the present either son'
'Cleaver' should be 'clever'
'Mr. Hall shrugged at the question, unsure how to answer. He was saved the attempt by Hannah's ringing phone.'
I liked this line. It was more powerful than Mr. Hall actually saying something.
The zombie line at the end was nice touch.
All-in-all this was another interesting chapter. I look forward to reading the next!
| Fish E 1/24/13 . chapter 39
This was a really strong chapter. Atmospheric and insidious. I like that you kept it short, so that it was a full experience, all contained in just about a thousand words. A nice interlude, if you will. Just a few pointers:
'King replied back as the car lurched forward'
The word 'back' is redundant.
'Murphy turned to face the source of the voice but instead found herself staring down the silencer for a semi-automatic handgun.'
I REALLY liked this line. I could really see the imagery here.
As for the nod to me you mentioned? I didn't notice, you'll have to refresh my memory ;)
The reviews for the next two will have to wait until later today! But I really look forward to reading on :D
| InfiniteComics 1/23/13 . chapter 2
This was impressive. Your story has depth, it's witty, engaging, and above all highly entertaining. Jon's suit peaks my curiosity. I want to see how strong it makes him, what kind of damage it can take, how long does it stay up, and where did it come from. TAG is a great idea and your antagonists KATS I expected to be cheesy, but I like the idea of them so far, although I don't know much about them yet. Normally when a story star's a male, I stray away from it, but I like Jon, and can't wait to continue this. Infinite Comics
| InfiniteComics 1/23/13 . chapter 1
Well the prologue was written quite beautifully, I was very surprised. Short, but written very well. I began to read your timeline as you suggested, and found that I was completely lost. Since the prologue was so short, I'm going to read the first chapter and then go back to the timeline, but your off to a good start.
| Zackdorrego 1/21/13 . chapter 7
This is my first story reed on this site. Enjoying every sec of it. :) keep up the good work.
| Fish E 8/21/12 . chapter 38
Hmmm... I definitely remember reading and reviewing the last chapter, but the review seems to be missing now. Strange.
'"Her head? He cut off her head"?!'
For some reason this line had a really good dramatic flair to it. Nice!
'I will personally string up by their own intestines. Thank you"'
I really like this. An aggravated 'screw you' to the press. Powerful and well-worded.
'It was the easiest money she had ever made as a struggling actress that didn't involve working for a pervert with a camera.'
I'm not sure if I should feel bad for smirking at this...
'"Sorry dear, but we can't afford any lose ends'
I liked the interlude with the actress. It adds another layer to the dense, dark tapestry of POVs in this story.
Lady Venom had a human heart? That's really interesting. I wonder what it means.
All-in-all, another strong chapter, and I look forward to the next installment.
| Guest 7/3/12 . chapter 37
I DID really like this chapter. A lot of references to Genesis, and we see Holloway repeating his actions with Snake Maker. There were a few minor spelling/grammar/technical errors, but I chose to ignore them this time around instead of pointing them out. There were only maybe two or three, and they weren't embarrassing.
I look forward to the Press Conference. That sounds like it'll be really interesting, with a lot of good opportunity for conflict.
'Maybe sometimes men like him who are so important to keeping the gears of the world turning have to change with it.'
I LOVED this sentence. Very profound.
'I am a very busy man whom values his privacy'
Okay, I'm just pointing this out because it was very close to the end. 'Whom' is used for direct objects or indirect objects. 'Who' is used for subjects. 'I' is the subject of this sentence ('privacy' is the object), so the proper word is 'who.'
Kudos for getting this one done quickly! I enjoyed it a lot, and look forward to the next installment.
| Carmel March 7/2/12 . chapter 37
Wow, this is still amazing stuff. Loved this chapter. Hope you update soon!
| Fish E 6/30/12 . chapter 36
'"And that one's going to be out of the park folks"'
That made me smile :)
The propane fuel tank bit was clever. I dug it.
'As his arm move forward though Edge fired more of her projectiles'
'move' should be 'moved'.
'Edge's body was suppose to be laying'
'supposed' and 'lying'
The whole action scene with Edge was fantastic. Very clear, fast-paced, exciting. The last scene where he kills her is wonderful, leaving the reader guessing in time with One, and then realizing what he's done. It comes together very nicely. I forgot why I love TAG so much, but now I remember.
'standing in the middle of a golden spotlight roughly ten feet across he guessed.'
Your 'he guessed' at the end of the sentence makes this unnecessarily awkward. Cut it off, and the sentence flows much more nicely.
There's a lot of pain and maturity in TAG One, I'm remembering now. It's brought out well in the Kimberly scene, but I don't fully understand it.
'short about fifty feet away from him, suddenly it felt like five'
This is a really good line.
'we do not have the luxury of time to discuss that'
I'm really enjoying this chapter, but these moments with Kimberly are getting on my nerves a bit. she's being so unnecessarily cryptic. I know that you're just trying to build suspense, but it's not quite working because I don't know why Kimberly doesn't just tell Jon who is going to die, instead of spending so much time with vague descriptions, especially when she claims they don't have the 'luxury of time'. It's just a small problem though (despite the amount of words I took to describe it), and overall I'm still really enjoying this chapter.
I really like you had Lady Venom talk and the characters look around to figure out who it was at first. Really helped build interest and suspense.
'As what sounded like a fight continued on the outside his armor finally came back to life'
Either separate this into two sentences, or use another comma to help pull it together better.
'He took a few deep breathes'
'breathes' should be 'breaths'
'"Be careful about making promises Nicholas, sometimes you can't keep them', Jon warned him, 'and those are the things that really kill you"'
This is a powerful last line, and helps build the theme of the novel.
I really liked Kendra's death, sad, heroic, sacrificial. You had a great moment when Lady Venom and Kendra killed each other, and I think you should expand on it. Slow it down, give it slow-paced, powerful imagery. You can make that moment last as long as you want.
Another great chapter. Wow. Really, really good. I look forward to the next one :D
| Carmel March 6/25/12 . chapter 36
Wow, I am so happy to see an update for this story! I immediately got right back into it. I hope you update soon!