good story so far

I like that this chapter doesn't focus as much on cards. I find it very difficult to pay attention when there is so much description of the cards. One thing I noticed this time is that you switch back and forth between verb tenses. Sometimes a single sentence will have present tense and past tense. You should pick one for the story and stick with it. For example, you say: "He snaps his fingers and created a small bright flame to light his way." It should be "he snapped his fingers and created a small bright flame" or "he snaps his fingers and creates a small bright flame." See?

Personally, I suggest sticking to past tense (snapped/created). Writing in the present tense is difficult and sounds forced.

You very clearly have the stories in your head, playing a lot like a movie. You've made the first step of translating the stories into words, but some work still needs to be done on making the visual descriptions a more organic part of the text. The things that you want your readers to see are coming out more like directions than narrative. One thing that might help is thinking about why the visual parts are important to the story.

You also use the word "something" a little too often. It's clear that you're trying to keep the readers guessing about what the "something" is -- like when you say "Something from the water shot out!" It may be helpful to try writing the mysterious parts from the point of view of one of the characters, like: the kids jumped back as a surprising splash shot out of the pool.

Nice Chapter. Very interesting allusions to the movies. And I like Rubia's character. I'll try to get others to read this!

Interesting developments...I found it funny how Mariah ended up becoming a mini-Corina.

Nice Chapter! I like the interweaving of the various mini-story lines in the chapter, and it seemed to resolve well in the end. Good job.

O-O that was long... good job

Hi.

Sorry I'm reviewing like this again (stupid computer freezes when I click go to reviewing).

 I liked the following chapters and I have one question.

Who's Riku going with?

This keeps getting better and better. I've been working on my digimon story on it's better than the virtual battle story.) you're welcome to read it. (I'm trying to get reviews T_T) any way keep up the good work.

This is really amazing! I see you put alot of heard work into this, and it came out wonderful. Its actuly good enough to have me give it a ten out of ten! I cant wait to see more of this beautyful work! I have a story that I want to show to squre enix, which has a like kingdom hearts and metal gear solid theme, but with a Bleach style twist. I was wondering if you would'nt mind take a look at it and review?

i`m a fan of you`re stories. if u didn't yet, read my story: virtual battle and tell me what u think.